Guest Post - 1,000 Needle Sticks

I asked my husband to guest post a while back because honestly, I love his writing and it always sticks with me regardless of what he writes about. This post is no different. I hope you enjoy.

******************************

1,000 Needle Sticks

Shot of what? Inject it where? Mix it how? Give this why? Is it time? Hold your legs up? How long has it been?How long do we wait? One day two days three days four days one week two weeks two weeks and two days two weeks and four days now your’re late we’re late really we’re late how do you feel I feel nauseous a bit you do yep I do man man man oh man do you think we got it right this time yes I feel like we finally got it right this time holy cow I think we got it right this time how late are you we are late baby baby baby –STOP – I STARTED TODAY….blank expression…watery eyes…turn around, turn away, walk away, stay away for two more weeks of avoiding the topic and wondering how on Earth we’ll ever get pregnant…

Infertility kills. Infertility hurts. It will –and yes it will – beat you down. It will be the elephant on your shoulders, weighing down your every step. Making every movement slow, deliberate, burdened, unnatural. You lose the flow of life. Lose the simple joys of a mockingbird on your brick wall somehow mocking the sound of a red tailed hawk. Normally, that would be fascinating – absolutely fascinating. But you just shrug that off and put your hand on the car door, open the door, sit down, close the door, sit in your silence for a few seconds, then put the key in the ignition and spiral your way back down into your own private hell. Every. Single. Cursed. Day.

The mechanism of infertility. The steady, methodical demolition of the self. The brutal machine that quite quickly condemns one of life’s greatest joys into one of life’s greatest failures. That “BFN”. Big. Fat. Negative…Big. Flaying. Nife.

You may never feel this alone. You may never feel as alone as you will as you endure this arduous process. But it is a process. But you are not alone, unfortunately. There is no solace in that, however – because who gives a rat’s rip that other folks are in your unique position. It doesn’t help. There is no help when there is nothing to help you. Either you get pregnant, or you don’t. If you try to look much beyond that, well… then I wish you the best of luck, friend.

Luck. Faith. Work ethic. Talent. Humor. Perhaps we’re not as solid as we thought? Perhaps we aren’t the strongest person we know? Perhaps we will never, ever get pregnant? Perhaps. I mean, it’s been over 2 years (I quit counting the months when I realized it’d been two years) so why should it change now?

And then I came home from Dick’s Sporting Goods around 8:00 one night. Had to get a new team catcher’s mitt and new BBCore approved bat. I walked in from the garage. I took two steps into the kitchen. And then I saw her emerge from the hallway. Her hand outstretched. Her face a beautiful display of one thousand raw emotions at once. In her hand a white stick. But I already knew because I had already connected with her eyes – her beautiful, oceanic eyes. She was shaking, barely able to speak, barely able to stand, barely able to barley be able to. Her body, like a life-sized tuning fork, hummed and sung with limitless energy. The test said we were pregnant…

So did the next test. So did the third test. And the fourth. And the fifth. And the sixth. So did the bloodwork. So did the next round of bloodwork. So did the ultrasound. So did the world-changing sound of the “thwump-thwump-thwump-thwump-thwump” sound of a beating heart – the beating heart – of our baby. Yes, yes – it finally worked. It finally, finally, finally, finally, finally actually worked.

Look. You may be down in that deep, dark, dank emotionless cave that only you can reach. You may be as cold as a mountain stone. You may be one step away from either retreating for good, or taking your first step towards the mouth that leads out of this damned cave. I wish I could take your hand, look you in the eye, and tell you that it’s going to be perfect. I wish that would make a difference. At some point, you’ll either get pregnant or you won’t. At some point, you’ll either keep trying for one that is of your own blood, or you won’t. Just don’t ever quit trying to fight your way out of this. Fight your way through it. Fight your way to your own unique sense of peace with your path –whatever that path may be. It isn’t easy. It was never meant to be easy.

I wish for you that which you need most right now. - Rik

Updates...

It's been a few weeks since I've posted so I'm going to keep it simple by bullet pointing what's been going on with us.  I said simple, not brief.

• We did injections last month.  We were super excited about that because we were hoping to get more aggressive with our approach since we have a cutoff date in mind.  We went in for our scan and had ONE follicle.  I was really floored.  I'd been expecting 2-4 so that we would have a better chance at conceiving.  No such luck.  It's frustrating when you spend that much money and anxiety over something and it doesn't do what you hoped it would do.  Then again, that's the chance you take with this mess.  We went forward with the IUI because the doc said if money wasn't an issue, they'd recommend it because it does improve your chances even w/ one follie.  We decided to pretend money wasn't an issue. :)  Isn't money always an issue when you're going through fertility treatments?  It's friggin' expensive!  If you didn't have a tight budget before treatments, you do now.  Anyway, we found out a few weeks ago the IUI wasn't successful.
• I had a long talk w/ my RE that day and asked her if we could go back to Clomid for one month because it was obvious to me that Anastrazole wasn't going to work and I wanted to wait another month before doing another round of injections. They want to double my dosage of Bravelle in hopes for more follicles so from a cost standpoint, we wanted to wait a month.  Dr. S thought Clomid was a good plan since I had consistently ended up with 2-3 follicles per cycle on Clomid.  The whole reason she put me on Anastrazole was to keep my lining from thinning out but I was still averaging between 9-12 mm (same as on Clomid) so I didn't really see any progression, we actually saw the opposite b/c we saw less follicles, same lining - go figure.  She doubled my Clomid dose and I started that on CD3.  She said we were going to start pushing the envelope.  I kind of wondered why we weren't pushing said envelope a little sooner than this, but I decided some things are better left unsaid.
• On CD4 I developed a massive headache that ended up becoming a really wretched migraine that lasted for five days.  I was miserable, but it was worth it.  At my scan on Sunday, we got the good news that we had a total of four follicles.  11, 12, 16, 21 mm.  Lining was 7 mm, lower than usual.  What's crazy is that she said that was still "a-ok" and she was only concerned if it was 5 or below.  (Which made me wonder why she ever took me off Clomid in the first place!!?!?)  We triggered Monday morning, had our IUI yesterday morning and I came home and rested the WHOLE day just to encourage everything to stay where it needed to stay.  Oh, and Rik crossed the finish line strong with 30 million on IUI day so this month is looking good for all intents and purposes!  We'll see what happens.  Please pray for us as we only have two months left to conceive and then we're moving on.  That's not written in stone or anything, but....that's where we're at currently.
• Time is just flying by these days.  Friends of ours that started trying to have children after we started this journey are now having baby #2 in a few months.  I'm really happy for them, it's just crazy how long we've been going through all of this (and I know it's nothing compared to some of the other stories we've heard!)...and we still aren't there yet.  I was thinking today that while I long to have a baby and want us to have a family of our own, it's not something that even seems like a possible reality to me anymore.  It just seems impossible that we will ever have a three part family, baby stuff laying around our living room, bottles in the cabinets, toys (not of the dog variety) all over the place or a nursery.  Those just do not seem like attainable dreams any more.  They are just dreams it seems and sometimes, that's difficult to get past.  It makes me think more and more we're wasting our time, even though I know we may NOT be.  Does this even make sense?  I'm not down, or sad or anything right now, it's just something that was on my mind today.  I just don't feel in my heart like we will EVER have a child.  The thought of it seems preposterous.  I could almost see us going to the moon on a hover craft before I could imagine us taking our own child to the playground for an afternoon.  But, I guess we'll see.  Hope leaves and then comes back in the same minute these days...which leads me to my next point...
• We're going to an adoption education class next Tuesday.  I was really pumped about this but now I'm a little leery.  I don't know if it's because I'm so hopeful this month is "our month" (see, hope has re-entered the program) or if it's because of my feelings noted in the previous bullet point.  It just seems like even if we went down that path, something would still happen to where we never succeeded (aaaand hope exits stage right).  I'm downright scared of that being the case.  I don't know what we'll learn or what we'll decide but hopefully, it's informative and I come away from it with a sense of peace.  I'm just scared of getting hurt by that process too.  I think some of these feelings are also a bit of a defense mechanism I'm throwing up to protect my heart a little....maybe.
• In other great news, a good friend of mine found out she's pregnant after trying to conceive for quite a while.  It's still early for them but I am so excited for her.  It's such a warm feeling to see someone who has gone through a lot of the same struggles we have gone through finally get the great news they've been hoping, waiting and praying for.  They are very special people and will make amazing parents.  I couldn't be happier for them!
• Rik's the new head coach of a high school baseball team here in town.  They've been conditioning for months and finally got started with tryouts and practices in the past few weeks.  The team had their first scrimmage game this weekend and I have to admit, I was SO proud of my husband.  Seeing him out there in his uniform, talking to the kids, working so hard on the field, working with the parents, making a difference for some of these guys....it was just a great thing to see.  All of his hard work has paid off and I am so happy for him.  Baseball has been such a huge part of his life, it's heartwarming to see him stepping from the role of player to coach and thriving in that role.  The kids love him and the parents and faculty members can't say enough good things about his efforts so far.  Did I mention I'm proud of him?  :)
• I went to watch my nephew, Matthew, play soccer last Friday night.  It's his first year of high school soccer and it's much more competitive and aggressive than the rec league or middle school soccer he is accustomed to.  He did great!  I sat in the stands, cheering against my old high school (weird!) and laughed myself silly over my niece and her crazy sense of humor.  Mallory's 11 years old and like Rik said last night, you never know what she's going to say or do next and it's adorably entertaining.  I honestly just LOVE being around her.  For about 20 minutes, she spoke with a British accent telling us stories about her classmates at school, then she was imitating how a girl on her softball team runs (imagine swinging your arms back and forth very quickly while you're flapping like a chicken) in front of everyone without the slightest bit of embarrassment.  She's hilarious!  My mom and stepdad came out too and we all had a great time.  Owen (nephew #2) wasn't as interested in hanging out with us since he had a friend with him but that's ok...I remember being 13 and being way too cool.  It was such a great night just being with my family and it still warms my heart to think about it.  I love them all so much. 
• Mallory invited me to come to her "Parent Shadow" day at her school yesterday (isn't that precious?) and we had a great time.  I went to lunch with her and then joined her in her 4th period class.  I absolutely loved it!  I felt honored she would ask me to go and be her stand-in Mom.  She has an amazing step-mom but it feels great to know she still loves her Aunt Shae Shae now and then.  :)

Ok, enough for now.  If you're still hanging around, here's a picture or two as a pay-off.

Someone in Altoid's market department never battled infertily.

This is my Mallory.  Proof of her insane personality that is such a joy to be around!

Matthew, Me and Mallory being our normal selves while Dad drove us around town last month.

Owen resting his beautiful eyes while we finished up our shopping.  Did I mention my brother makes beautiful kids?

Maddox (adopted nephew) was my date two Friday's ago.  He had raspberry sherbert!  We had so much fun!

Mallory and Chloe at Parent Shadow Day yesterday!  You can see how "snaggly" Mallory is in this picture.  She usually won't smile because she hates having snaggle teef.

Thought Vomit Thursday! Get It While It's Hot!

Hello friends.  Sorry it has been a week since I've posted anything.  It's not even that it's been a busy week, I've just been super lazy.  I'll do better, I promise.  This is going to be a Thought Vomit Thursday of EPIC proportions....mainly because it's a long post.  If you're not interested or in the mood for a long read, I understand, but keep reading anyway.

I have literally felt so uneducated this last week.  I don't mean like the "I didn't get the proper education" uneducated, but more like the "I don't know enough about my "situation" to know if I'm on the right track, the wrong track or no track at all" uneducated.  I read your blogs, I see your stats and your measurements and your test results and I can't help but wonder why I don't know all of mine off the top of my gourd and does that mean I am not serious about this infertility business?  I feel like I'm serious business.  I also have no clue what 90% of the hormones the doctor is testing me for are supposed to do and if mine are at normal or abnormal levels?  I will say though, I have come a long way in the past year or two.

Before last year, I had no idea where my cervix was or what it did, where my uterus was hanging out in there and where it all was in relation to my fallopian tubes and ovaries (which I was semi-familar with).  Up until one year ago, I had NO idea that your cervix was a little tubish shaped thing with a hole at the end.  I kind of thought...never mind.  You get the point.  Sure, I have seen the diagrams but they are usually a frontal view and I needed a more accurate and lifelike illustration to help my visual-learning self come to grips with what the doc was seeing when I was on the table being fileted during my once a year appointment.  Thanks to a lovely book my friend gave me, I now get it and understand and can pretend to be knowledgeable during my procedures that involve discussion about such things.

What I do NOT get is how medications work, how they effect my body, why we use them, what my hormones should be doing, which tests do I need, which tests have I had and ultimately, why is nothing we're doing working and by working I mean getting pregnant?

Tuesday, I had my 12 day scan.  I had done what Dr. S asked of me and taken the crappy anastrazole for the alloted time and so there I sat, with bated breath, while we waited for the ax to drop.  As you'll recall, last month, the anastrazole did nothing more for me than my body was naturally doing.  I produced ONE follicle, released one egg and didn't get pregnant.  What happened, was not at all what we expected.  Who happily gobbled up an entire humble pie and asked for seconds?  This girl.

We had three follicles.  They measured in at a lofty 10, 12 & 14 mm's.  All on the right side which is usually my "quiet" side.  The left was completely silent this month.  A ghost-town if you prefer.  Dr. S was pleased and said my endometrium was nice and fluffy, triple-striped and measuring 9 mm I think it was.  She told us to go home, continue the OPK's and when we had an LH surge to call and report it but if we didn't have one by Thurs or Friday morning to let them know and we'd do a trigger shot Friday with an IUI Saturday.  Easy as humble pie.

While we were there, Rik asked if we needed to sign up for the class on the injectable meds and go ahea and have those ordered so they'd be here for next month just in case this month was another failure.  Dr. S basically said that she didn't think injectable meds would be a good benefit for us because it would only increase our chances about 1-2% because we have already had so many failed attempts w/ IUI's after good responses from Clomid & now Anastrazole.  She said there gets to be a point when you have to start questioning the fertilization process, egg quality and other more serious problems.  It wasn't easy to hear at all.  I have to tell you at one point I thought I was going to fall over.  She said those problems were confirmed and worked around by IVF.  The three letters I never wanted to hear.  She said she would recommend continuing with the oral medication and IUI's until we couldn't do it anymore emotionally and then move on to IVF if we still weren't successful.

We left with our results both happy and sad.  Overall, I felt pretty good because that little light of hope was already starting to shine through the clouds and lift my spirits.  Three follicles this month!  Then my mind started working and thinking and wondering about things that maybe it shouldn't, but usually does and I end up emotional, frustrated and cranky.  By the end of the day, I was all of those things.

Total sidenote here: At the old clinic, they did lots of things to/for me like prescriptions, scans, bloodwork, trigger shots and tests during a cycle (albeit with wretched service) .  It sounds like the same happens for all of you ladies as well.  I got accustomed to that level of pampering (not that being stuck and jabbed and poked with the DC is pampering, but in this twisted IF world we live in, you get my drift) and at this clinic, it's more hands-off, let your body do the work if it's working and we'll do our part when it decides to cooperate.  My body cooperates and they do their thing and viola!  No baby.

So my thoughts were centered around why they were letting me ovulate on my own instead of using the trigger shot to release more eggs, does my body only release one egg naturally, and if so, why the heck are we trying to create more follicles with medicine when we are only taking a stab at one per month anyway?  So I started trying to figure out if the hcg shot causes more than one egg to release (I had no idea!) and it seemed like that was a true statement.  Then I started researching ovulation and it seemed like what I read stated that the most mature egg would release during ovulation.  Naturally, I was confused.  I felt like we should be getting two or three follicles to release each month so that we had more than one shot to get pregnant.  Again, I've already admitted I'm uneducated about this girls so don't beat me over the head if you already see where this is going!  :)  Ultimately, I just needed to know one thing, "What's the point?"

I received a positive LH surge yesterday morning and called it in.  They scheduled our IUI for this morning.  While I had the nurse on the line, I asked her the above questions and she stumbled around a bit and ended up sort of confirming what I was thinking and then also saying I should ask Dr. S.  So, Rik and I discussed everything last night and I typed out a few questions this morning that I wanted answers to.  I always get nervous or anxious in the room and all of my well planned questions and coherent thoughts take a vacation the second the doc asks if we have any questions for her!  She surprised me when I pulled out my sheet of paper today (with about 9 questions on it) by pulling up her stool and reading them all one by one, taking time to thoughtfully explain each and every one of them for us.  I had to fight back tears the whole time and ended up covered in hives by the time it was all said and done, which also happens when I am nervous or anxious or both.  The IUI didn't help things either because it had actually been the most painful one I've had to date.  Stupid tilted thing-a-ma-jig aka uterus.

Here were my questions and her answers and hopefully, this will help someone else that might be uneducated and confrused about what the heck is going on down there and why we are doing what we're told to do in the first place.

1.) Does ovulating naturally (without a trigger shot) release only one egg? Dr. S = Not necessarily.  If you have two that are mature, two can release naturally and the same goes with three.  That is why we have you take the oral medicine so that you have as many mature follicles as possible by the time you have an LH surge or we give you an hcg injection.
2.) Does HCG cause more eggs to be released if there are several mature follicles?  Dr. S = Yes and no.  It causes you to ovulate when you're body doesn't naturally.  The reason we let you ovulate on your own is because at times the risk outweighs the rewards in that hcg can cause your eggs to die if they aren't mature enough when released.  When you're not ovulating on your own, obviously that risk is worth taking because the benefits are that you will then ovulate and hopefully one or two will survive.  (this one, i got a little fuzzy on because I thought about it too much so this may not have been her exact response but it's close)
3.) What is actually considered a mature follicle?  I think she said anything over 13 or 14 mm's.
4.) If ovulating naturally releases only the most mature follicle/egg why are we taking medicine to produce more follicles and then being allowed to ovulate naturally, releasing only one egg anyway? ((See above so she didn't really have to answer this one.))
5.) What benefits are there to taking medicine if this is the case (above)?  Dr. S = The goal is to get several mature follicles by the time you ovulate so that you do have a couple of eggs that are released.  
6.) Can we be more aggressive without moving on to IVF? Or is this our next best option?  Dr. S = Not in our case.  Basically, we fall into a grey area in that we are partially unexplained infertility, partially explained by endometriosis.  The possibility of getting pregnant doubles for people with endometriosis during the six months after having the surgery and getting it all cleaned up.  With us, however, it's not really that cut and dry because I didn't have any of the closed off fallopian tubes, seriously effected ovaries or misshaped/deformed uterus that was corrected in surgery.  At this point, it's a waiting game and if it doesn't work in six months or so with what we're doing, we'll have to decide if we want to move forward with IVF to check egg quality and fertilization issues.  My body responds so well to oral meds and I ovulate like clock-work it seems so it really doesn't make a ton of sense why this isn't working.
7.) Why were injectable meds mentioned at our last IUI if not it's not something that would really increase our chances of conception?  (I had gotten excited thinking we were heading in a new/agressive direction and now I feel really let down and like we have hit a dead-end.)  Dr. S = At the time of the last IUI, we hadn't gotten any response out of the Anastrazole.  If we hadn't gotten the response we needed from it this month, she was going to pair it with something to stimulate my ovaries and just let the Anastrazole do it's thing with my lining.  Since we did get the response we needed this time, there is no use in using injectables because getting five or six or more follies is not something they want to see (and I don't either). I just had NO idea that's why she recommended it or why it was no longer something that could benefit us.  I am happy with this answer, most of all.
8.) Do we have any idea why this isn't working or what our problem might be?  Dr. S = Nope.  Hopefully, it's just a matter of time and we do something right and get a positive result.  I have to keep reminding myself we have had one IUI since surgery (even if only slightly increased our chances) and it was working with ONE follicle.  Patience.
9.) Are there any other tests that can be done? Dr. S = You've had them.  Other than retrieving eggs and testing them in the lab/doing IVF, there aren't any other tests to do.  


So, I'm still a mystery....but a smarter one now.  I'm still frustrated but more so at my body than anything else.  I'm still cranky, but mostly just because I'm tired of all of this, depressed that I've gained an extra 10-15 lbs, exhausted from the emotional mess I stay these days and annoyed that I haven't done more Q&A in the past.  I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I had thought to ask all of this information on the front end or at least during the past year.

Anyway, she sent us on our merry way today by telling us to take a home pregnancy test in two weeks and let them know the results.  Sure, I still wish I could go to the office and have them draw my blood and then let me know, but I'll do it the ol' fashioned way and POAS like the rest of the TTC community.  She also recommended that I start taking a different Progesterone supplement, one that doesn't cause me to look like Sponge Bob Square Pants.

And to round out this post which has turned into a seriously long novel that could have been delivered in a Trilogy (a la Matrix or Lord of the Rings), I give you (insert dramatic drumroll) my stats, measurements and a few test results.  Yep, I asked for a printout!  I'm such a big girl these days (and I don't mean because I'm chubby now)!

Baseline Ultrasound (I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS MEASURED!!!!!):  Antral Follicle Count 10-20 (read somewhere that this is "normal")

IUI Cycle #1:
Clomid 50 mg x 5 days starting CD 5
3 follicles greater than 16 mm (one was 30)
Endometrium 9mm
10k hcg given
TMC (what's this stand for exactly, I know it's the specimen that was used for insemination) 13 million
Provera 10mg started for 10 days   (this is NOT true - I didn't take Provera, ever....Thanks old clinic!)
BIG FAT NEGATIVE!

IUI Cycle #2:

Clomid 50 mg x 5 days starting CD 3

3 follicles greater than 16 mm

Endometrium 9 mm

TMC 11 million

hcg 10k given at home by hubby

E2 = 254 pg/ml (Estradiol is at a normal level)

THIS is when I started taking Prometrium 3 x's a day on CD 14 but it's not mentioned in my chart.  Thanks again old clinic!

BFN

IUI Cycle # 3:

Clomid 50 mg x 5 days starting CD 5 - I still think I was at CD 7 at this point but devil nurse insisted

3 follicles greater than 15 mm (I had already ovulated at this point though - Thank you old clinic!)

Endometrium 12 mm

hcg 10k after natural ovulation

Progesterone was 8.9 when tested (no clue what cycle day this was though)

Prometrium 3 x per day for 12 days starting CD 14

NO IUI performed, just timed intercourse (the name of which makes me think you're supposed to use a stop watch or something - makes me giggle)

BFN

IUI Cycle # 4: NEW CLINIC

Anastrazole 2 mg x 5 days starting CD 3

Endometrium 9 mm

1 follicle @ 16 mm on CD 12

No hcg given

Motile Sperm Count 39 million

Prometrium 1 x per day for 7 days before eye-bulging incident and discontinued :)

BFN

IUI Cycle # 5:

Anastrazole 2 mg x 5 days starting CD 3

Endometrium 9 mm

3 follicles - 10, 12, 14 mm on CD 12

NO hcg given

Motile Sperm Count 32 million

Progesterone supplement to be started on CD 16

results: TBD

If you hung around this long, thank you and I love you.

Shannon

A Choice

There was a comment made to me yesterday that pretty much ruined my whole morning.  It came across a little more harshly than intended, but it still stung because let's be honest, we infertile's are sensitive.

I was talking to a friend about someone else we know who is going through infertility treatments and how they were strapped financially but because she coupons, they were able to survive through the tightest times.  This friend of mine (who doesn't like the person I was talking about one bit) said, "Um, I do NOT feel sorry for someone who is struggling because they are spending their money on infertility treatments.  That's a choice she's making!  Feed your family or infertility treatments?  She made that choice to spend all her money!"  After a very deep breath, I politely said, "I disagree.  It's really not a choice for some people."

I understand where she was coming from.  I understand she was saying we CHOOSE to spend our money on these treatments.  It is a choice to spend the money, but what other choice do we have?  If you want to share your life, that bond with a child, see your family grow, your parents hold their grandchild, your husband hold his baby, if you want to find that unconditional love you've heard about and longed for, you spend the money to adopt or get treatments for whatever it is that's ailing you.

It IS an ailment most of the time.  Infertility is an illness.  It's not something you chose to have "happen" to you!  It's usually indicative of a problem you need to have addressed or corrected.  A hormone problem, an immunodeficiency issue, infection, scar tissue, deformities, and on and on.  So technically, it's choosing to correct an illness or problem, or not.  Is it any different than choosing to get treatment for other serious illnesses?  People who don't know the longing, the emotional roller coaster month after month, the hope, the loss, the sadness can't understand.  They may try.  They may think they do...but they don't.  They say things like, "Enjoy your free time!" or "At least you can go out any time you want." or "Come get my kids, that'll change your mind!" or "Just relax!  You are thinking about this too much!"  and every single one of those hurts beyond words.

We've had our fun with our free time.  We've gone out any time we wanted to.  We would love to take your kids and we know it won't change our mind!  We have relaxed for years and that doesn't get you pregnant!  Trust me on this one.

Anyway, back to my story.  This friend of mine happened to realize that the person she was talking to actually fit the same scenario she was talking about and honestly, I saw a physical change in her appearance when she realized she had hurt and offended me.  I know she didn't MEAN to hurt me.  I know she had no ill-intent when she said what she said.  I still decided it was best to end the conversation.  A while later, she came back and apologized if she had hurt me with her comment.  I had already decided that I would do my best to educate her because it was just her ignorance about infertility and the situation itself.

So, I said, "It's ok.  I don't expect you to understand.  It's hard for someone who has never wanted a child so badly to imagine how it feels to think or feel that you will never have a child.  Imagine if you lost your baby right now and tried but could never get pregnant ever again?  It wouldn't be a choice for you either if you thought you could fix the problem.  There are days I would gladly go without food if it meant having a child of our own!"  Yes, she is pregnant.  Accidentally.  She's 22 years old and extremely naive.  I know these things, yet I couldn't help but try to educate her.

Her response to all of this was, "Oh....really?" and that concludes our lesson for the day.  The student taught the teacher a thing or two with those two words.  I just shook my head and again, ended the conversation as politely as possible.

My morning was shot.  I managed to get it back together by lunch time, but it got me thinking.  How many of you would go without food to pay for your treatments or your medicine?  Is this really a choice? By definition, yes.  "Choice: An act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities."

I was pregnant once.  I remember the joy I felt.  The little life I couldn't wait to share with my son or daughter.  I remember that love I felt for my child even though I had no idea who he or she was.  I know what it feels like to know I'm going to be a mother.  I know what it feels like to have that taken away from me.  I can't erase those feelings and I can't forget how good in my soul I felt for that brief period of time.  How could I not try to fix this problem of ours?  How could I ever choose to ignore those feelings?  I can't.  It's not a choice.  Not for me.

In one way or another, I will become a mother.  Rik will be a father.  My mom will babysit her grandchildren.  My best friend will get to love my little one.  There's no "choice" about that.

The Not-So-Hostile Take-Over - Hubby Style (again)

So, Rik's back with a brand new edition and honestly, he had it ready before the weekend last week but I had to post something from me before posting another one of his or else it would then be HIS blog and we just can't have that now can we?  So, here he is....again, rocking my socks off.

**********************************************************************************

There probably isn’t a perfect way to feel about things, but there are some things I’ve felt throughout the process my wife and I are going through. Sometimes, the “observation deck” from which I’m watching everything is miles away from my wife’s observation deck, so much so that we end up seeing things from entirely different viewpoints. Other times, we’re standing shoulder to shoulder (well, my elbow to her shoulder).

Point being is that I don’t always feel the obvious things about all this.  Details, for example. I don’t typically dig to deeply into them.  “Oh, you’re having an IUI? Cool.” What I take this to mean is that there is a non-surgical procedure where the doctor will use a long skinny squirt bottle to shoot my boys up inside.  Shouldn’t take 2 minutes, right?

But I don’t think about the psychological effects.  Personally, I have no problem with getting assistance to put my fellas in the best spot possible to do their job (yob).  That doesn’t feel like a failure to me, or doesn’t make me feel like any less of a man.  It’s just one step in the process.  The ends justify the means.  And that could be where my wife and I end up looking at things from different observation decks.  The means are definitely important to her, especially since she’s the one that must endure said means. 

Cramping, bleeding, swelling, discomfort.  Naturally, I don’t want my wife to suffer those things.  But, since I don’t dig into details very often, I don’t always know all of these byproducts and side/after effects of having an IUI done on you.  Now that I know, I do feel a little differently about putting my wife through that.  Actually, after the trauma of the first one, and seeing how utterly miserable she was BEFORE the procedure, and then seeing the aftermath, literally made me state, “We’re not doing another IUI” to her.

Not doing another IUI.

That took a minute to sink in…for her.

She thought I had changed my mind about us trying to get pregnant through the fertility clinic.  She thought I was pulling up anchor and heading off to deeper seas to sail around for a while.  She thought we may never have kids together.  And all I meant, really, was that if the IUI process was going to be this emotionally and physically traumatic, then I cannot ask her to go through that again…but we’d find another way to achieve our goal.

I guess my “feelings” on this stuff is that if we have no better options, then we just have to go through with it – whatever that may be.  The endo surgery, for example.  I actually did a little research on that, but never real put myself in the shoes of having to go through it.  No, I didn’t like the idea of a probe going in through her belly button, but I never thought that she might not ever wake up from that (as mentioned in my last post).  It was just a step in the path along our way.  Just grab the ball, put your head down, run hard, and keep running until you reach the end zone (um, football analogy there – just kidding – I know you know it was a football analogy). You ignore the hits and the cracking of pads (bet you though maxi pads there, didn’t you? Stick with football just a minute longer) and keep fighting through the pain to make it to the goal. Period (um, not THAT period).

I do feel some anger, though.  Angry that it wasn’t easy.  Angry that it still isn’t easy.  Angry at that damn nurse at the other clinic that really and truly seemed to ruin everything.  Angry at seeing my wife become someone else’s science project…and sad about that, too, really.

~Rik

One in the ovary is worth two in the...no, wait...um....

So, got my scan on yesterday at the doctor's office.  It showed me what I was already expecting.  No, not expecting like that, expecting as in I just knew it.  I've gotten so accustomed to seeing the ultrasound machine images of my girl parts that I knew exactly what she was (or wasn't) seeing.

See, in the past, when they've done our scan, we've gone through the measuring of the endometrium lining - which was just mediocre since Clomid tends to thin your lining out a little bit - and then onto the ovaries.  It's a routine all infertile couples go through and figure out and grow accustomed to seeing.  How many of you think you could do your own scan at this point?  Well, with a little help unless you're like Gumby.  Anyway, through the grainy black and white, you're able to distinguish your triple stripe, then the dark circles come into view and you can almost immediately tell what you're going to be dealing with for that cycle.  It's reassuring to see those little black blobs show up because you know that something is working properly for a change.  At least that is how I feel.  Usually.

On Clomid, my body responded well.  No hot flashes, no mood swings, nothing.  I've actually felt happier while on Clomid.  Odd huh?  Dr. S thought so.  Anyway, we've seen follies as big as 33 mm across.  We've seen them as small as about 11 mm.  We've never seen less than three follicles that were "mature" and once, I think we had about five that were good, mature, healthy possibilities.  I've always been pleased with that (other than the scary big #33).  So, there I sat (laid) yesterday, on CD11, looking at the screen, seeing my ultra thick, luscious lining (ok, so the Anastrazole did do that right) and just waiting to see if my body had liked the new medicine as much as the old medicine.  She went straight to the right ovary and the black and white grainy business never changed...just more black and white graininess.  She wiggled the DC around and finally, two little marbles appeared that were just tiny.  She didn't even measure them they were so small.   She said something about the right ovary not looking too promising and moved over to the left side.  After just a second, our one follicle popped up on the screen.  Nothing too dramatic, it measured about 16mm on CD11 so in another few days, who knows where it'll be.  We've had two follicles in the past grow about 6-8 mm overnight so we're hoping this little follie will grow a little more, but not too much.

Rik says he feels pretty good about this little guy.  He even tossed out the idea that maybe he is just such a tough and scrappy little follie that he ate the other follies and he's the last one standing.  King of the hill style.  I couldn't help but smile.  My husband knows just what to say sometimes.  Dr. S asked us to pee on a stick the next few evenings and once we come up with a positive OPK, we can either do another IUI and hope our one follicle is a good one (it only takes one) or she can give us our trigger shot and we can do the IUI then.

Here are my thoughts (as if this whole novella isn't already full of my thoughts), I don't know if we should drop the moolah on an IUI when we had such a poor showing of follicles (no offense to my one little scrapper) because technically, couldn't I do this much on my own?  How much will it tip the scale in our favor?  I have no problem ovulating.  It's getting the two key ingredients together to make an...um.....omelet maybe?  What takes two ingredients? ok, I can't think of a good food analogy here, but you get the point.  Something fantastic.

Maybe I've just answered my own question though....I love blogging.  The IUI would give those two key ingredients their best chance to get together and make something wonderful.  Since that seems to be the problem, maybe the IUI is the answer.  Especially if in the past, the endometriosis was making this process tougher and has now been eliminated.  I was just feeling like we should try on our own, call this month a loss and jump back in with both feet next month.  While we're dropping the money on this, I want to give us our best chance possible, ya know?

ergh...I don't know what to do.  Rik said he thinks if we don't do this cycle just because of the money factor, we'd regret it later and he's probably right.  It does just take one egg.  And it's not like the other months (with all their glory) have been successful.  I do find it ironic though that my left ovary is so active.  Always the bigger producer, also the one with the cyst and now 3 weeks after surgery on it, it's our only shot.  Show off.

So, what do you ladies (& Doc) think we should do?  I need some advice.  Also, Dr. S said that for next month, if we're unsuccessful this month, we'll either go back to Clomid and some type of injectable or do the Anastrazole in combination with something else.  I don't remember exactly what she said though because once she said "injectable" I pretty much heard nothing but horror film music the remainder of the visit.''   Ugh.  Solo pronto!  I guess....

In other news, Rik has already finished a new post for all you gals (& Doc) but I had to post this before I posted his so that I don't feel like such a slacker.  Also, all grammatical errors can be chalked up to the fact that THIS little lady won't stop pawing my arm and dropping her ball on my lap.  How can I resist this face?

Tess is a jealous creature.

Guest Blogger - The Hubby Tells All (or at least some)

Alright Lady Bloggers (& Paul), my sweet hubby went out on a limb here and shared his feelings (gasp!) with all of you so that maybe you could share it with your hubby or someone who is going through IF and might need a little company.   Show him a little love.  He'll be writing more very soon because he didn't really get to write much of anything he really wanted to write about.....how well we all know that feeling!  It's what keeps us coming back.  

So, without further delay, meet my fella, Rik.  

I love this man.

*********************************************************************************

This article is geared towards guys who are going through the non-fertility experience.  My wife and I have been going through it for a while now, and she has asked me to write some thoughts from my perspective on the whole deal.  Not really sure where this will end up, by the way, but maybe something here will be useful.

First, I'd like to share a quick story.  My wife, Shannon, had to face one of her biggest fears very recently.  Namely, exploratory surgery on her girl parts (laparoscopy and hysteroscopy - Google them).  Yep, she was freaked out about it for at least 4 days prior (probably more, but she kept it bottled up pretty well if so) and we went through countless "what if" scenarios.  My job was to convince her that no, her abdomen will not explode and that yes, I will definitely still find her very attractive after it's all said and done.  But, to be honest, some of her fears gave me a little spook as well (although I kept that to myself).

So, anyway, after a few sleepless nights, we found ourselves sitting in the waiting room.  She was fully decked out in her hospital gown and kick-@ss hospital socks, kicked back in the chair and waiting to be taken back.  This was big. She was certainly terrified.  Terrified of being put to sleep. Terrified of what they might find - or, actually, what they might NOT find.  We wanted endometriosis to be in there because that would mean there was hope for us to get knocked up, and that it was the endo that was the culprit.  But still, this was big and pretty scary for her (and, ok, I was nervous as well).

In my mind, I figured she'd freak out when they came to take her back, throw some punches around, latch on to the arms of the chair and just refuse to go.  This idea couldn't have been farther from the truth.  She stood up when they came in, made some sort of joke about walking the halls with her backside exposed, smiled really big, kissed me as she walked by and said "See ya later."  That was it.  That was that.  Off she went.

Surgery was supposed to take between 30 to 90 minutes, tops.  I was prepared for this.  What I wasn't prepared for was the phone call I got from the Operating Room.  It had been a while since she'd gone back there, so I thought this was the call saying she was in the recovery room.  Nope.  This was a call to say, "Hey there this is Nurse Suchensuch from the OR...just wanted to give you a quick call...to let you know that it's taking longer than expected...due to poor visibility."  Poor visibility. Poor visibility?  So I asked the nurse, "Poor visibility?"  She said yes.  "What causes that?" "Hold on" she said, and put her hand over the phone.

I heard muffled voices and then she came back to restate, word for word, what she had already told me.  This concerned me.  I said, "Okay" and we hung up.  And now the mind starts racing.  You know that feeling you get when you know you're being lied to?  Yep.  Had that feeling.  Actually, I knew she had just lied to me, because why would she call to tell me something so meaningless?  I interpreted it to mean, "Hey, things are not at all what we planned for down here, and the doctor is still working and yes, your wife is still alive, we think, but we have some problems down here that we didn't expect and hopefully, if all goes well, neither you nor she will know the difference."  Not good. (By the way, she WAS lying to me. The reason it was taking so long was due to way more endo than the Doctor had expected, as well as some on an ovary...which makes it pretty serious. Poor visibility, my @ss).

For the next 45 minutes, I admit to you that I was scared.  What if she dies? Never considered that. What if they have to take out her ovaries? Never considered that.  What if she doesn't make it out of the OR?  I don't sit around at home on rainy days and think about these types of what-ifs, but a couple what-ifs were currently kicking my @ss in that waiting room.

Thankfully, the doctor came in a little later and first words out of her mouth were "She's ok."  I don't remember much of what she said to me from that point, but it involved photos and some pretty crazy stuff.  Truth be told, I was pretty shaken up.  Didn't expect that. Not at all.

And so, here are two points I'd like to make.  First, my wife is much more brave than I could have ever imagined.  Second, I'm not as bullet proof as I once thought.  What do these two points mean?  I don't know, probably, but I think recognizing both points are crucial to "the guy's portion" of the non-fertility process/experience/mind-bomb.

I have made progress on sharing my thoughts and feelings on things with Shannon, even though there is still room for growth.  But, recognizing and acknowledging to my wife that I am impressed how brave she has been through this whole cluster, and that she is showing strength that is truly admirable, can make a huge difference.  Think about it - think about how many different times you have said to yourself, "Man, I'm glad I'm a guy."  Women definitely got the short end of the stick, but they really, really, really, really get the short end of the stick (actually, make that the "sharp" end of the stick) in this whole non-fertility thing.  All we have to do is make sure we get as much as possible into the cup.  Damn, I'm glad I'm a guy.

To the second point (I ain't bullet proof), it probably is important to avoid the whole Macho Man Randy Savage (RIP) approach.  You can't bulldoze your way through this.  You can't put on that stone face and hit the mute button.  You need to acknowledge, to your wife/pincushion, that you aren't immune to the left field emotions that crop up during this stuff.

Combining these two points will bring you and your wife closer together in that she is getting stronger and you are getting...well...more open to being, well, less of a robot, I guess.  At any rate, it will help you both feel like a stronger team in this, and it does make it easier - on BOTH of you.  You still have to man-up and pick her up when she's freaked or worried or emotional or just pissed off at you in general.

Now that this article is ending, I had a ton of other things to say but...it is what it is.  Good luck and go kill some rabbits! (that means go get her pregnant, by the way).

- Rik

I know how this looks.....but I can explain!

****Mom, if you're reading this, please stop now and go back to Facebook.****

****Rik, you too.  I don't want you to be embarrassed (of me, not for me).****

If you're reading this post, you probably already know I had surgery last week to see if I had endometriosis and while they were down there, they also did a hysteroscopy and a tiny biopsy.   I ended up with four small incisions on my abdomen, each one probably half an inch long.  

Yesterday, I noticed my lower, left incision was a little inflamed and slightly angry.  I had some burning sensations and it was more sore than it had been the previous few days.  When I felt of it, it felt like a really hard lump had formed underneath the skin and it really grossed freaked me out.  So, I did what any smart, resourceful person would do and Google'd "lump under laparoscopic incision".  This resulted in me calling my RE's office lickety-split.  The four options that were bestowed upon me were: hernia, hematoma, infection, scar tissue.

I left the nurse a message about my lump, trying to remember to also leave the 64 pieces of personal information they require with each and every message.  After a half an hour or so, Nurse Rachel called me back and wanted to ask a few additional questions.  I got up, crossed my office and pushed the door almost closed for a little privacy.  ("The Man" doesn't like us to close our office doors and cell phones are frowned upon in the establishment - but this was serious, so I broke the rules.)  The conversation went like this:

                  Me: Hi Rachel!  Thank you for calling me back so quickly!

                  R: You're welcome, what's going on?

                  Me: Well, I have this lump thing that has formed under my left incision.

                  R: It is painful?

                  Me: Yes, more than it was yesterday and Monday.

                  R: It is oozing any kind of fluid?

                  Me (a little woozily): No, I don't think so.  Let me check.

So, being in a dress and all, I turned my back to the door (such a lady), stood behind my chair and pulled my dress up to check.

                  Me: No, it's not oozy.

                  R: Ok, is there a fever to it?  Is it hot?

                 

I hiked up my dress again to feel with the back of my hand, then decided I'd better compare that feeling to how the other side felt.  So, I put the phone between my shoulder and my ear so I could use both hands.  I couldn't tell a huge difference, so I went back and forth a few times rather quickly to compare.  Naturally, I was a little bent over so I could see, hold the phone AND feel my incisions for signs of "fever".

It was exactly at this point that I realized if any of the attorneys or, God forbid, my male boss walked in, they would see me from the back, with both hands up my dress, moving one of my arms back and forth rather quickly, hunched over, whispering into the phone and it would look exactly like I was pleasuring myself.

I don't think I've ever moved so fast in my life.

I removed my hands, released my dress and turned around to face the door in about .0000000000002 seconds.  

                  Me: Nope, no fever, all good!  I think we're good!

                 

Ugh....You just have NO idea the relief I feel that no one made an appearance in my office during those brief minutes when I was NOT pleasuring myself.

I'm immature....but you've probably already figured that out.

**For the record, this could definitely qualify as TVT, but since it's Monday, we'll just go with it!**

So, my brother and I have an interesting relationship.  We tease each other mercilessly and can be downright ridiculous when we are together.  I realllly wish blogger would let me upload the video I have of our Minute To Win It contest....but I digress.  This weekend, I decided since he hadn't checked on me since my surgery, I'd be a stinker and get even with him for forgetting not caring about me.  I sent him a pic text of the picture the doctor gave us which showed my left ovary with all of the endometrium fluid on it and said, "I hope you never look at chocolate syrup the same way again!"  Immature?  Yes.  Unladylike? Definitely.  Disgusting? Naturally.  Super Awesome?  HECK YES!  He wrote me back hours later and said, "OMG, Shannon, that just made my knees weak."  SCORE!

Come to think of it, he never did ask me if I was ok.  Thank goodness he has a wife that takes care of... well, caring for his family.  I sent her the pic too and told her my left ovary is the one that hates mac n cheese, NOT me.  I am no longer at fault there.  She wasn't very sympathetic to that....

I've ALSO decided that it's my left ovary that doesn't like doing laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, paying bills OR exercising lately.  It was diseased people!  It's not my fault...or at least it wasn't...now I guess it will be my fault again.  Crap.  Note to self: Find some other piece of yourself to blame for the above (or lack thereof).  It seems to be a reasonable detractor of attention from the entire self.

In other news, it appears we'll probably jump right back on the ART wagon - and I don't mean the traveling Dali & Van Gogh Scratch & Dent wagon.  I'm talking Assisted Reproductive Technology!  We're going to get right back to doing our 3rd IUI (since our last one was cancelled at the old clinic b/c they missed our ovulation period).  The (new and fantastic) doc said this is a prime baby making environment so...let's do it.  Why waste another month?  We just tossed two out the window w/ the bath water by first, relying on our previous RE to do a good job and failing and second, by having to take a month off for my surgery.  I'm just hoping that the endometriosis is our last hurdle before sprinting (or waddling) towards the finish line.  Since it's about that time, I guess I'll be starting Clomid again in about a 7-10 days.  I'm ready.  Let's do this (with assistance, in a clinic, on a table, in the stirrups)!!!

Also coming up, I'm going to have my first guest blogger ever....and I hope you all are over-the-moon excited about it!  It is none other than my wonderful, fantastic, amazingly gorgeous and sensitive husband, Rik!  He is a fantastic writer and I'm hoping once he gets a little taste of this blogging biz, he'll start his own about dealing w/ infertility.  He's such an insightful person.  I'm hoping he'll have something for me to post within the next week.  Any ideas for topics or should I just give him a free pass to say whatever he wants to say (could get interesting)?  I'll leave it up to you gals & guy (love ya, Paul!).

I will close by posting my all-time favorite picture of me and my best friend in the whole wide world.  This was taken this spring when we had a few snow storms blow through and it warms my heart every time I look at this photo.  It's framed on my mantle so I see it a lot.  He's such a good boy!

Chance & Mommy

Later,

Shannon

Infertility Survey - New spin on the old "Get To Know Your Friends" Survey

1. Name of the future mommy to be?: Shannon

2. Name of the future daddy to be?: Rik

3. How long has the future parents been together/married?: 6 years together, 3 years married next week.

4. When did you start trying to conceive?: February 2009

5. What is the hardest part of T.T.C?:  The emotional rollercoaster ride. Hoping, hoping, hoping and then failing month after month.  Dealing with people asking us when we're going to have kids ALL the time.  People telling me to "relax" when I know all the relaxing in the world won't help.

6. What does the future mommy want to have?:  A healthy baby to hold, snuggle, love and raise.  

7. What does the future daddy want to have?: He just said he doesn't care at this point, he just wants a child.  

8. Is there a certain month or season you’d like to have the baby in?: I used to think winter so I wouldn't be hugely pregnant during the summer, but at this point, I'd be pregnant through three summers if that's what it took.  :)

9. What are you looking forward to most when you finally conceive? Seeing my husbands face when he meets our baby for the first time, little hands, little feet, knowing we're a family, snuggling and playing, tickle fights, vacations, all the firsts that come with having a baby, loving him/her,  being someone's everything just because, diaper booty, toddler giggles... everything. 

10. What has been the best thing about the T.T.C. process? overcoming my fears, knowing I have so much support from my husband, improved communication in our marriage, learning and appreciating what a miracle having a child really is.

11. Pick out any names yet, for when the big day comes?:  Boy names are easy but girl names are always hard for me.  We have a few narrowed down and we talk about this quite a bit.  We are always throwing out possibilities.

12. Any certain reason for choosing those names? With a last name like ours, it's been tough finding names that go with it.  Our boys middle name will be the same as Rik's best friend.  

13. Do you know what T.T.C. stands for?: Telephone The Chinese?  Duh...

14. What things do you do to check for when your fertile?: Pay attention to my body, Ovulation Predictor Kits, and on treatment months, scans and trigger shots take the guesswork out of it.

15.Do you use Ovulation Tests? Yep.  Some months we do. 

16. What does the future daddy do to help you with T.T.C. process: My husband is amazing.  He goes to every appointment with me.  He brings his own list of questions to the appointments, he researches things, is incredibly supportive and protective and honestly, I could never have made it through this without his love and support.  He truly is amazing.  We've had our downs like anyone else, but he has put his own disappointment aside so many times just to help me through mine.  I owe my sanity to him at this point.

17. How long do you plan on continuing the T.T.C process?: Originally, one more IUI but now that I've had surgery and a new RE backing us up, we may give it a few more tries.  The others were futile attempts, these next few wouldn't be in our opinion.  

18. Will you consider In-Vitro or any other type of Infertility medicine?: I do not believe we'll go through IVF.  We'll try it all up to that point and mostly have already, but we won't spend that kind of money on a "maybe".  We'll spend it on a sure thing and start the adoption process.  I'd be just as happy mothering an orphan and making a difference in their lives as I would be having my own.  I'll be sad not to experience pregnancy, but thrilled to be a mommy.  If this doesn't work, I'll have no "what if's" and I'll be ok with moving on.  We would have given it a good shot.

19. Have you had your pre-conceiving physical?: Yes.

20.How many children would you like to have?: Two or three.  Either naturally or via adoption.  That's still unchanged.

21.Have you started buying some baby stuff?: When I first found out I was pregnant in 2009, I bought a picture frame that was not only the colors I wanted to do a nursery in but also vintage baseball themed.  That's always been how I want to decorate my little boy's nursery.

22.Any books that you’ve read that have been helpful?: A Few Good Eggs for me, How To Make Love To A Plastic Cup & Daddy's Pregnant Too for Rik.

23.Is your family and friends supportive of deciding to T.T.C.?: Yes, very supportive.  I haven't told that many family members about our journey, but I've told several friends who have gone through this themselves or people I just really trust and rely on.  It's been invaluable having them around during the hard times.

24. Have you made any BIG changes in your life to help you conceive? We've cut back on our spending, tried to reduce the stress in our lives, I've cut back on the social drinking and we've eliminated vacations and things that aren't mandatory so that we could save money.  

25.Have you abstained from alcohol and drugs? I've never been a drug user but have almost eliminated drinking from my life entirely.  On occasion I'll have a glass of wine, but that's about it.

26.So if you unfortunately do not conceive, then what?: Adoption, all the way.

27.Are you healthy enough to be pregnant?: Depends on your definition.  I'm in good shape, healthy...but obviously something is wrong since we aren't conceiving.

28.Do you really think your ready to be a parent?: Without a doubt in my mind.  I have 9 nieces, nephews and god-children.  Tons of love to give and I think I'd be good at it.  As for Rik, he's going to make the most amazing Daddy and some kiddo is going to be insanely lucky to have him as their father.

29.Any advice for other woman out there T.T.C.?: Educate yourself.  Learn as much as you can about the process regardless of what it is.  If your doctor tells you something, ask questions until you understand completely. Make your own recommendations and don't settle for anything until you're satisfied.  Find a support group or develop your own support system.  I can't stress how important this is.  Pray.  Be considerate of your spouse and his/her feelings.  They are T.T.C as well.

Thank you to my new blogger friend, M for sharing this survey with us.  Check out her answers!  It's crazy how similar our answers to these questions are.  :)  I had to try and change mine up a little so it didn't sound like I plagiarized! 

I knew I was pale, but low Vitamin D?!

So, we went to our new RE appointment last week.  It was fantastic.  It wasn't a mood-lit, privately situated waiting room, with a cozy feel kind of clinic like our last one...but I felt in better hands.  The office we met in wasn't posh.  It wasn't even fully (or comfortably) furnished.  It was bright, white, clean, sterile, serious, functional and there in the middle of the bare desk was our new client package we filled out the weekend before our appointment.  Complete with notes scribbled all over it, things highlighted, you get the point...

It felt like a CLINIC.  Not a spa.  If that's one thing I've learned in this, it's that it doesn't matter what a place looks like, how much they are blowing on tv's for the rooms, how cozy the waiting area is...what matters is that the doctors get to KNOW us, have their eyes on the prize and treat us with respect.  Now, let's be clear here-we didn't select our previous clinic for it's luxury or it's ultra-cool equipment.  We had TWO to choose from and we had a 50/50 chance of finding the right clinic for us.  And let's be honest, we felt pretty good about them at first too.  I'm not claiming this is the alpha and the omega of clinics.  I just felt secure.

The differences so far?  Dr. S (new doc) educated us.  Without having to be asked to do so.  She talked to us about miscarriages, about egg quality and ovarian reserve, about % of success with each type of treatment, she gave us charts and graphs, she asked us for information, listened carefully and then ruled out several treatment options because they won't increase our chances of conception more than a percent or two.  She suggested doing some tests (we were so glad about this) to try and figure out why we aren't getting pregnant instead of just throwing us into the same pool they throw every other couple into when they join the clinic.  She took five tubes of blood!  She asked if we could do an ultrasound at the beginning of my cycle.  These things were highlights of my week!  Sad huh?  I was just so happy that she was planning to dig in to find our problem (if possible).

Based on some of my responses to Dr. S's questions, she decided it's possible that I have endometriosis.  I am NOT thrilled with this.  My OB/GYN had very casually thrown out this idea a few years ago, but I have never felt that exploratory surgery was justified by a few crampy days per month.  Apparently, it's more than that and if this could help, I'm all for it.  So that's coming up very soon.  Soon as in, probably next Monday.  Eek.  I get really nervous about this type of thing.  I am not a good patient, poor Rik.  It's not that I am whiney exactly, it's just that if it hurts, well....I say it hurts.  Several times.  Ok.  Fine.  Maybe just a tad bit whiney...

I called today and left a message for the results of my blood work and it turns out everything came back "positive" except that I have low Vitamin D.  What's sad is that I had just gotten back from spending a LOT of time in the sun so can you imagine how low it was before vacation?  Sheesh!  I'm not sure what all they tested me for but since they were already closed for the day when I got their message, I guess I'll have to call them tomorrow.  It was nice to get a call back within 45 minutes.  Our last clinic never called back before 6:30 or 7:00 pm and usually, at that point, the nurse was a terrible grump!

So, we're happy.  Feeling positive.  Hoping for some good results in the near future.  If we can't get good results with this clinic's help....on to adoption we go.  I will update you as soon as I have more info to share.  In the meantime, I'll leave you with a pretty picture my hubby took.  I just love it.

RE Stands for Reproductive Endo!@#$!@#$%

No, really...it does.  Look it up in the dictionary.  That's where I found it anyway.

I have news.  I made an appointment with our new RE for next week!  I called, told the lady a little about our situation and she was incredibly sweet and talked to me for over 15 minutes.  I already feel better.  The funny thing is, I feel like we're cheating on our current RE.  It's like we have this clandestine meeting planned immediately before our appointment with our current RE to check my progesterone next week.  One appointment is at 10:00 (new clinic) and the other is at 11:45 (old clinic).  Maybe I should just ask the new doctor if they could do my bloodwork instead.  That way, I won't feel like an infertile tramp.

I'm excited though.  I feel like I have a little ray of sunshine peeking through the clouds after that phone call.  Yes, it is very easy to find the smallest reason to hope when dealing with an infertile tramp.  The new doctor even said they'd actually train Rik on how to give an injection (WOW!) instead of drawing an X on my butt cheek and telling him to make sure he doesn't snag the nerve that's right next to the X.  Who would have thunk it?  Sounds like my new doctor is a pretty smart lady.  Oh, and that's the other thing... my new doctor will be a chick.  I think I like that!  There's a 25% chance that she'll be hormonal at the same time I'm hormonal.  (Is that a little more sunshine I see?)

Ok, that's the news for now.  Rik said he isn't excited yet because he needs more time to enjoy his excitement over being done with our "old" RE.  He loves to savor the moment!  :)