Lovely Lunch Date!

So, today I met up with a gal pal of mine who is near and dear to my heart.  We had lunch downtown and it was wonderful to catch up!  I haven't seen her much in the past year or so and that just isn't working for me. :) Honestly, it's just not.

So, we changed all that today by having lunch!  Jennifer, over at A Journey of Baby Steps, is pretty awesome.  She is married to this giant ginger guy that I kind of love, too.  They are, together, pretty good peeps that you all should know.

They have been on an amazingly long, tough, emotional, exciting, loving, difficult, hope-filled, bumpy journey to adoption.  You can check out her blog for all the details, but let's just say, they've been through the ringer about a billion times already and they are still hanging in there, waiting on their sweet little miracle to fill their arms.  Just one more reason they rock my socks off.  They have faith like nobody's business and even though I'm sure they've both had their hours, days and weeks (ok, months) of tears and stress-eating and bouts of self-pity and everything else that has to go along with the adoption process, they always manage to smile and laugh and hope for the best, believing they will end up where God wants them with the child he has chosen especially for them to love and raise.  I can't wait to meet this little person and see just how much love they pour into that baby's love cup.  He or she is in for a treat (and lots of smother-loving)!

We had a nice talk about parenting of all kinds.  Good and bad and ugly...you know, stuff we infertile's really care about.   Sometimes, it's nice to talk to another IF'er to vent to or just rant with.  Mainly, because they JUST GET IT.  It's like being on the same battlefield, shoulder to shoulder, fighting the same fight.  We just have a lot in common when it comes to how we feel about people who don't appreciate their blessings and don't cherish the time they have with the kids God has given to them.

  Even though I have Easton thanks to ART, I still identify myself as an infertile and I always will.  I wouldn't have the little stinker napping here beside me if it wasn't for modern medicine and that fact isn't lost on me one bit.  

Anyway, Jennifer and Paul (the ginger giant) are finally getting closer to their little miracle and I'm just so incredibly happy for them.  They've been through a lot in the past few years.  They deserve to be happy and I can't wait for them to trade in THIS stress and worry for the stress and worry they are so ready for: parenting a tiny tot!

That's pretty much all I've got going on today.  Easton spent the morning with his Gamma and of course, she spoiled him by taking him shopping in his pj's for flip flops, toys and new clothes.  This boy is seriously never going to want to hang out with me once he realizes he has a choice.  Between my mom and my best bud, I'm going to be the lamest person he knows!

I hope you all are enjoying your week.  I'm so ready for the weekend!  My Dad is coming to visit and hang out with Easton.  Hopefully, we have lots to report after a fun and exhausting weekend!

XOXO,

Shannon

We're Still Here!

Well, hello there!  It's me again.

So much to say and so much to update with Easton, but goodness.  Let me start by saying that I have NO idea how some of you stay on top of blogging.  I mean, if I have a second free, I sit in relative silence for a few and then usually tackle the housework that never seems to end.  :)  I've missed you all though and truly, I appreciate all of you checking in on me/us!

I suppose I'll update you about Easton and what's been going on with us.  Our son is adorable, stubborn, alert, happy, observant, feisty, hungry and most of all, hilarious.

We are still nursing and that's going as well as can be expected when your son has the attention span of a gnat and can't seem to stay latched on for more than a few sucks before quite literally yanking his head backwards to look around for something new.  He hates the thought of missing anything.  My nipples have requested a vacation.

Easton is a long, lanky fellow.  He was a little pudge but now that he has worked out the jumper, he has trimmed down a bit.  He is 15 1/2 lbs and is 26 inches long as of his four month appointment one month ago.  I believe he is even taller now b/c all of his clothes are too tight length-wise.  He wears 6 month clothing comfortably, but now and then, I squeeze him into a 3 monther if I am in the mood to show off his stellar physique.  Or if I want him to wear jams.  Do you remember jams? They rocked in the 90's.  He is clearly a fashion icon already.  Lil' trendsetter.

He rolled over from his belly to his back very early.  As in before he was 3 months old.  On Feb 5th.  It was crazy weird.  Once he did it once, it was a non-stop thing.  He HATED tummy time.  He is getting more tolerant these days in his older, wiser age.  He is almost going from his back to his tummy but he still seems to have trouble with the arm being in the way.  I have a feeling once he realizes what he's doing is putting him on his tummy, he will never do it again.  Our son is stubborn and set in his ways.  FOR REAL.

He ended up with colic pretty bad for a few months and that, paired with acid reflux, made one fussy little boy.  We had our days, trust me.  Thank goodness, those days are mostly a thing of the past.  I'm thankful for every single one of those days, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not glad they are mostly a thing of the past.  I remember someone telling me that once they turn 4-6 months old, it would pass and thinking I'd never make it that long.  Look at me.  I made it.

He just suddenly started sleeping through the night one night and going to sleep on kind of a schedule.  We thought about doing some type of strict schedule but it was never right for us.  He was noncompliant, his belly made it even more miserable and when it came down to it, I wanted to feed him  based on when he was hungry and needed to eat.  That to me was more important than having him sleep through the night very early.  I'm all for it and had hoped it would work out for us, but honestly, it just didn't.  I'm hoping that we're starting to get our own routine down now that he has pretty much made for himself in the past month or two.  So far, he is pretty happy now that his tummy and such feel better.

He started cereal a little bit before he was four months old b/c he was starving every two hours it seemed, sometimes sooner.  It started at about 3 months and I did everything I could to make him wait, then to accommodate him but finally, I decided to call the doc.  I knew my milk supply was fine but he was still hungry.  He was also starting to stare longingly at us while we ate and so I knew it was ok to ask the doc.  She said go for it.  They recommended feeding him from a bowl and spoon instead of cereal in the bottle.  We tried, it didn't work.  We tried again a week later and he was ALL OVER IT.  He was even grabbing the spoon and jamming it into his own mouth.  Poor chunker.

I've given him vegetables in the past two weeks.  He loves peas and carrots.  Not so much green beans. He enjoyed his Japanese sweet potatoes and apples.   That's all he's had so far.  He only had green beans once and since then, we've decided to stick to peas, carrots and apples for now.  I only give them to him once a day and even then, not every day.  I am terrified of causing him to be seriously constipated.  So far, that only happened once and it ended with him suddenly and delightedly pooping in my hand for about a solid minute between diaper changes.  Who knew poop could cause such joy? Especially when you catch it in your hand?  Ok, back to food.  What do you all know about Baby Led Weening?  Have I already screwed up by feeding him from a spoon?

Luckily, I was able to spend the first 3 1/2 months at home w/ the little scrip scrap.  Now, I'm working part time and it's been great.  I pump while I'm there and so far, he's only had to have a few emergency formula bottles, but I'm ok with that and he has been too.

To wrap this up before he realizes I'm not solely focused on him, I will share some pictures with you that you missed if we aren't hooked up on instagram.  :)  I'm @shannononthefly if you want to follow me there and catch up on some seriously adorable shots of my little guy, my dogs and pretty much nothing else.

I'll write again soon.  Getting over the hump is always the hardest part!  :)  I hope you all are doing well.  I will do my best to catch up with all your blogs now too!  I've missed you all.

One month old!

Two months old! (What a difference!)

Three months old!

(Four months is still on the camera! BOOOO MOMMY!)

Some time at the park on a cold day! Brrrrr!

Hey there, ladies....

A little baseball, of course.

Guest Post - 1,000 Needle Sticks

I asked my husband to guest post a while back because honestly, I love his writing and it always sticks with me regardless of what he writes about. This post is no different. I hope you enjoy.

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1,000 Needle Sticks

Shot of what? Inject it where? Mix it how? Give this why? Is it time? Hold your legs up? How long has it been?How long do we wait? One day two days three days four days one week two weeks two weeks and two days two weeks and four days now your’re late we’re late really we’re late how do you feel I feel nauseous a bit you do yep I do man man man oh man do you think we got it right this time yes I feel like we finally got it right this time holy cow I think we got it right this time how late are you we are late baby baby baby –STOP – I STARTED TODAY….blank expression…watery eyes…turn around, turn away, walk away, stay away for two more weeks of avoiding the topic and wondering how on Earth we’ll ever get pregnant…

Infertility kills. Infertility hurts. It will –and yes it will – beat you down. It will be the elephant on your shoulders, weighing down your every step. Making every movement slow, deliberate, burdened, unnatural. You lose the flow of life. Lose the simple joys of a mockingbird on your brick wall somehow mocking the sound of a red tailed hawk. Normally, that would be fascinating – absolutely fascinating. But you just shrug that off and put your hand on the car door, open the door, sit down, close the door, sit in your silence for a few seconds, then put the key in the ignition and spiral your way back down into your own private hell. Every. Single. Cursed. Day.

The mechanism of infertility. The steady, methodical demolition of the self. The brutal machine that quite quickly condemns one of life’s greatest joys into one of life’s greatest failures. That “BFN”. Big. Fat. Negative…Big. Flaying. Nife.

You may never feel this alone. You may never feel as alone as you will as you endure this arduous process. But it is a process. But you are not alone, unfortunately. There is no solace in that, however – because who gives a rat’s rip that other folks are in your unique position. It doesn’t help. There is no help when there is nothing to help you. Either you get pregnant, or you don’t. If you try to look much beyond that, well… then I wish you the best of luck, friend.

Luck. Faith. Work ethic. Talent. Humor. Perhaps we’re not as solid as we thought? Perhaps we aren’t the strongest person we know? Perhaps we will never, ever get pregnant? Perhaps. I mean, it’s been over 2 years (I quit counting the months when I realized it’d been two years) so why should it change now?

And then I came home from Dick’s Sporting Goods around 8:00 one night. Had to get a new team catcher’s mitt and new BBCore approved bat. I walked in from the garage. I took two steps into the kitchen. And then I saw her emerge from the hallway. Her hand outstretched. Her face a beautiful display of one thousand raw emotions at once. In her hand a white stick. But I already knew because I had already connected with her eyes – her beautiful, oceanic eyes. She was shaking, barely able to speak, barely able to stand, barely able to barley be able to. Her body, like a life-sized tuning fork, hummed and sung with limitless energy. The test said we were pregnant…

So did the next test. So did the third test. And the fourth. And the fifth. And the sixth. So did the bloodwork. So did the next round of bloodwork. So did the ultrasound. So did the world-changing sound of the “thwump-thwump-thwump-thwump-thwump” sound of a beating heart – the beating heart – of our baby. Yes, yes – it finally worked. It finally, finally, finally, finally, finally actually worked.

Look. You may be down in that deep, dark, dank emotionless cave that only you can reach. You may be as cold as a mountain stone. You may be one step away from either retreating for good, or taking your first step towards the mouth that leads out of this damned cave. I wish I could take your hand, look you in the eye, and tell you that it’s going to be perfect. I wish that would make a difference. At some point, you’ll either get pregnant or you won’t. At some point, you’ll either keep trying for one that is of your own blood, or you won’t. Just don’t ever quit trying to fight your way out of this. Fight your way through it. Fight your way to your own unique sense of peace with your path –whatever that path may be. It isn’t easy. It was never meant to be easy.

I wish for you that which you need most right now. - Rik

Hello me....

I have been thinking a lot lately about how strange it is to be ME again.  Not the old me really, just a new me.  A better me.  A peaceful me.  I haven't been "Ok" in a long time.  2009 was the beginning of what ended up being three of the hardest years of my life.  TTC, Infertility, pregnancy loss, job loss, my grandfather dying, surgery, treatments, etc.  It just felt like the hits kept rolling in.

Infertility hung around.  Dragging me under.  I couldn't get my head back above water.  I was drowning more and more every day.  To be so down and have so many disappointments and just want a child of your own to love with every part of your soul, to ground you, center you, firmly and decisively establish you as someone meaningful in this world and then not be able to have it month after month with no real idea as to why....it just does something to you mentally.  It leaves you feeling like you've been stuck on a Tilt-A-Whirl.  Going around and around, dizzy, sick, scared.  I thought things and felt things that I would NEVER admit to anyone these past few years.  There were times I thought my marriage couldn't last through another week.  Thank GOD it did.  There were times I thought I would go insane from the hurt and confusion of it all.  Thank GOD I didn't (completely).  There were days I couldn't even speak to people because it felt like uttering one word would take every ounce of strength I had and I needed my strength just to get one foot in front of the other.  And I thought I was a strong person before.  You find out just how much you can handle (or not) when you're dealing with being infertile.  I hit the lowest point of my life last year before finally, slowly, I began to claw my way back.  Back to life, back to Rik, back to myself.  But I still wasn't ok.  I still wasn't ME.  I felt unsteady.  A bad case of vertigo.  No real sense of which was up.  I was trying....I just wasn't getting very far.  The sadness was always there.

Until March.  Out of the clear blue my life did a complete 180.  When I had finally stopped expecting it, I received the biggest gift of my entire life.  I went from wanting a glass of wine to peeing on a stick and then being completely face down in my bathroom floor crying and shaking and freezing and saying the only two things I could say: "Oh my gosh" and "Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you."  I think I spent two hours saying ONLY those two phrases...  I was pregnant.  After years and months and weeks and days of never getting anywhere but further down, I was suddenly present.  VERY, very present.  Those first few days were such a blur.  Terrifyingly happy and just plain terrified.  Loss does a number on your faith.  It's true.  People say you've gotta have faith....it's hard when you have gone through a loss.  I was beyond scared.

I've heard people say their lives changed in an instant when something specific happened to them.   That night changed my life.  Just the knowing.  The beginning of something beautiful I thought I would never get to experience.  It took weeks to sink in.  It took months to finally feel that fear of loss start to slip slowly away.  It took even longer before I realized I am REALLY going to be a mother.  I will have a son.  In a few months, my house will be filled with tiny things.  Tiny clothes, tiny shoes, tiny toys, tiny diapers.   We will be exhausted and stressed and 100% in love with our baby.  We will go from a couple to a family.  Just reading that puts tears in my eyes.  My husband will finally get to hold our past and our future in his hands and let all that love in his heart pour all over our little boy.  Six months ago, I never would have believed we'd be here now.  This place is so.....content.  Six months and I am so me again.  The new me, but me all the same, only different.  I no longer feel like I'm hanging on to my sanity by a thread.  I'm no longer feel like every breath I take is through a tiny straw.  I'm functional.  I'm happy.  I found my smile.  I am at peace again.  I finally see my husband again.  Not the soldier beside me fighting his way through, but my soul mate.  It's so unbelievable to feel this way after so long in the dark.  And it all started to change that night in March.  I haven't spent one day since then living in sorrow or pain or anger.  I didn't even realize it until recently.  The rubberbands around my chest are gone.  The weights on my shoulders have been lifted.  The blinders I was wearing have been removed.  It's like I hopped on a speeding train back to LIFE and never looked back.  I hadn't expected that, I guess.  Not so quickly or so completely.  Our lives are changed.

There are so many people out there still dealing, dragging themselves through every day, trying to breathe in and out, hurting, aching and longing for all these same things.  It seems wrong sometimes that I stand on the other side of infertility now when so many people I know are still in the throes of battle, chest deep in the hurt.  I don't understand why the timing of things has happened this way, but I know that anyone I've met, talked to or followed out here who has gone through the valley of infertility and come out on the other side with their dream, regardless of if it's a child of their heart or a child of their body, they all say the same....The timing was perfect.  The child that was meant for them is theirs and they wouldn't trade a single moment of what they went through to get there.  That's so easy to say from "the other side" but I keep telling myself it is true and God's timing is perfect....if not painful at times.

I don't know what's got me thinking about all of this other than I had this amazing feeling of being present and completely content today.  It's been so long since I felt truly at peace that it was almost a surprise to realize that's what I was feeling.  I am so incredibly grateful.  I'm amazed at God's trust in us and amazed that He has given me the opportunity to build my life around my husband and our little boy.  I know I'll make mistakes and I know there will be days when I do hurt and suffer and struggle again...but for now, I am relishing in this light and soaking up every possible ray of peace and happiness that I can.  I've waited a long time for this.

My body & brain are on overload.....

Let's be real here....  I'm pregnant.  That one word STILL fills me full of every emotion you can imagine. Fear, envy, hope, joy, excitement, happiness, sadness, guilt.  Goodness.  Once an infertile, always an infertile.  I am so conscious of the suffering involved with infertility that I cannot let loose and just BE pregnant.  I can't just blog freely about how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing because there are CLOSE friends of mine that are struggling with the loss, the longing and the heartache of infertility that read this blog and because I LOVE them, I hesitate to share certain things already.  I hate the thought of adding to their hurt.  That's where the guilt comes in.  Why us?  Why were we blessed with this when others have been waiting longer, hoping longer.  I will never have those answers.  I hate infertility for all of us.  For those of us who are scared to enjoy what we've always longed for and for those of us who are still waiting and praying.

With that being said, I've prayed about this issue of mine and thought about it and I don't want to shortchange this experience because I have wanted this and waited for this and prayed and hoped and longed for this to happen for us.  I want to share my happiness with all of you because Rik and I deserve it and our baby deserves to be celebrated.  I can't even believe I get to say those words.  This is a BLESSING from God.  It was our time.  For whatever reason, He gave life to this dream and I will continue to give Him praise for it.  So, I am going to find a happy medium for now.  I will give you the information I feel I should share and say that I am sorry if any of it causes any of you any more pain.  I am ever-so-hopeful that you can be happy for us and that you can find hope in our story too.   I know I found hope and happiness through the blogs I have read these past two years.   Maybe now, we can pay it forward a little too.

If you're still reading after all that word vomit (it's not even Thursday!), here is what I have to say about this whole situation.  Pregnancy is NOT glamorous.  Anyone who says it is, is a bold-faced liar.  I said I'd never complain.  I prayed and bargained, "God, you can make me sick as a dog for 9 (10) months and I'll never complain, whimper or ask for it to stop!  I'll take it with a huge smile on my face!"  What an idiot I am.  I didn't whine or whimper for several weeks.  I did a good job reminding myself of my deal with God any time I got close to complaining and would even throw out a, "but I'm not complaining!" just to be sure my comment I made wasn't misinterpreted as a complaint.  See how that works?  Well, slowly, the disclaimer fell off and my voice got a little higher pitched and before I knew what had hit me, I was in full crybaby mode.  Poor hubby.

Here's what's been going down....

Tired?  Understatement of the freakin year.  People should never use that word to describe how you feel during these first weeks.  It's not TIRED.  It's exhaustion.  Pure and simple.  (All you mommies out there feel free to tell me I have no idea what I'm talking about, I'll agree with you wholeheartedly!)  By nine am, I am yawning, bobbing my head, rubbing my eyes and doing every thing I can to stay awake.  I can't concentrate or focus, I can't form sentences that make any type of sense, I lose my train of thought mid-sentence, I repeat myself (the latest one was, "Freeman hit a home run last night last night" - how does that even happen!?) and I put things in places they don't belong (salt in the fridge and stuff).

Nausea is hit or miss with me these days but for a few weeks, it was pretty brutal.  I won't complain though (see how that works?) because I could have had it SO much worse (and still might).  My friend April gave me these sea bands and they have actually worked for me.  They are made for motion sickness and you wear them around your wrists.  I had heard mixed reviews, but so far, no pukey pukey since she gave them to me last weekend.  I will say though that when I'm starving (all the time) and nauseous at the same time but can't eat a bite, I have a bit of a grumpy side.  Thank goodness I have a husband that has been willing to go to Mc.Donalds to grab me chicken nuggets after a long day of starving and nibbling and gagging just so that I could get to sleep.  (Sure, it's not nutritious but it was the ONLY thing I could even think about putting in my mouth without dry heaving that night!)  He also may have wanted away from my comments (not complaints).

Walnut sized bladder.  Wow.  I got up to pee 7 times during the night one night last week.  How is that even possible?  The baby is the size of my thumb, my uterus is the size of a large grapefruit.  HOW is that making me go pee-pee like I drank 3 gallons of tea before bedtime?  It's crazy.  This is one I don't really mind so much except that after I get up around 4, it's really hard for me to go back to sleep. I guess it's practice for once we actually have a baby in our house....which still seems unimaginable.

The only constant these past 3-4 weeks though has been sciatic nerve pain.  I never even knew that was possible.  I heard back pain was common later in pregnancy, but why right now?  I don't understand it at all.  My left leg feels like it's just going to fall right off sometimes and I swear I have slipped a vertebra out of place or something every time I tie my shoe or pick something up.   Has anyone ever gone to a chiropractor while pregnant?  How's that work exactly?

Well, these are my symptoms so far.  I don't really have a BUMP per se yet but I'm definitely a little wider and my lower abdomen has this little hard spot in it.  I can feel it best in the morning when I first wake up.  Rik can tell a difference too and so far, he's said he thinks it's pretty cute.  We'll see if that thought continues as I expand.  :)  We decided we would go ahead and do the baby bump pics after all. I was very hesitant about those, but I love looking at everyone else's so who am I to deny you that pleasure if you want to check out my chunk of love?  I just have to find an outfit that I think I'll be able to fit into for 7 more months.

Thank you for all the comments and well-wishes I've received out here.  They mean so much to me.  It's so wonderful having had your support all this time and I genuinely appreciate you more than you know.  Keep us in your prayers today as tomorrow is our scan to see how the baby is progressing and if the placenta previa has gotten any better.  I'll try to update you again tomorrow after we see the little scrip scrap!  Hugs to you all!

No News Is Good News-Scrip Scrap!

Gosh, it's been a while since I've blogged and I almost don't know how to go about it now.  There has been a lot going on around here so I'll try to catch you up quickly without posting a novella (again).  Who am I kidding?  I'm long winded by nature.  You won't mind, surely.

Ever since we started this fight of ours with infertility, I've read posts by so many of you announcing the arrival of your newborn after years of fighting and hoping for one.   I've read posts about finding out your pregnant and getting to tell your husband and it's always made me wonder, "How would I tell Rik?"  or "How would I tell everyone we finally got what our hearts have been dying for month after month, year after year?" or, "How would I post it on my blog? Would I be funny?  Straight to the point?"

Well, I've thought long and hard about it and I don't think I need to get all creative or insane about it....  We're pregnant.  It worked.  We are going to have a baby.  In November!

*Let that sink in a moment*

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!!??!?!?!?

Goodness....The amount of gratitude I feel can't be measured, the fear I feel in my heart can't be put into words, the joy I feel humming under my skin every day can't be described.  It's like I'm living in a dream.  If I am, I don't want to wake up.  Not ever.

I never truly let myself believe that this could ever really happen for us.  It never truly seemed like a possibility for some reason.  Now, I'm afraid to even talk about it too much.  It's like someone made a mistake and gave us someone else's blessing and if we talk about it, someone might figure it out and rectify the situation.  Crazy, I know.....but it is what it is.  We're going to be parents.  Scared, excited, clumsy parents.  This poor child is in for a treat.  We're already a mess and it's only two months in.

I am ten weeks along.  Ten terrifying weeks, I might add.  We've had several scares and some of you can relate to them.  Spotting, pain, the works.  I have partial placenta previa which has caused quite a bit of spotting and such.  We just found that out last Monday during our first real prenatal visit with our regular OB.  It was rather unplanned and they squeezed us in so it was short and sweet and to the point.  "Check the baby, check the mama (me!) and we'll see you in two weeks for the real visit".  The baby is doing great.  Measuring perfectly every time we've had an ultrasound (three already) and the heart rate was excellent the last time she checked (187 bpm).  The PPP is expected to move up/out of the way in the coming months so let's all keep those prayers coming and fingers crossed that it does.  My OB, we'll call her Dr. Copper, told me not to even research it because she doesn't want me scaring myself to death unnecessarily so I've been mostly good.  Let's just hope it corrects itself and all the bleeding ceases completely.  It's been gone a few days so that's great.  Who knew TP could be scarier than watching any horror film you've ever seen?

We graduated from the fertility clinic 2 weeks ago and I have to say, it was pretty bittersweet.  The whole office came out to hug me and several ladies cried.  When I went in for my first hcg level test, the whole front office staff w/ the nurses called me on speaker phone to tell me the results were 98.4 and they wanted them to be at 50 or above.  They were so excited for us.  I miss them all so much already.

Rik is over the moon.  I'm sure he won't mind me telling you that he got a bit emotional when we heard the heartbeat for the first time.  It was very unexpected and we both jumped because the doctor didn't even give us a warning, he just flipped on the speakers in mid-sentence.  It was pretty crazy.  It was unreal to know our baby had a heartbeat and it was only the size of an orange seed.  God's wonderful miracle, for sure.  We're both in love with that sound.  Rik will just randomly start making the noise walking through the house and it makes me smile one of those smiles that I haven't smiled in such a long time.  I feel real happiness again.  I never thought I'd find that feeling again.  It brings tears to my eyes now just thinking about it!

We've told many of our closest friends and family at this point so I felt better about sharing it online with all of you lovely ladies (and Doc - but you already know).  I was a little concerned about the placenta previa issue, but honestly, the doctor said she sees us at a 5% (or lower) threatened miscarriage rate at this point, so I decided it was time to share our beautiful news.  Six weeks is a long time to keep this quiet.  If you know me IRL, you know what I'm talking about here.  I LOVE good news and I love surprises.

With all that being said, I must say that I still HURTING over this post (isn't that insane?) because I know so many of you out there are still hoping, praying and waiting.  It kills me every time I think of it.  You are the ones that understood how I felt when I heard someone else was pregnant, what it feels like to skip a baby shower to avoid an embarrassing melt down, how you can be so happy for someone but dying inside at the same time, etc.   It's weird being the one with the news after all this time.  There shouldn't be guilt, but there is.  Infertility at its best, I know.  Infertility has taken so much from most of us out here and I hate it that it's even taken some of my joy over sharing this news openly.  I know you'll all be happy for me, I know that, but I want you to know that if you're still waiting and hoping, I am praying for you.  It's not much to say, but it's what I've got.   I had all but given up hope that we'd ever have a family, biological or otherwise.  God decided it was time.  I don't know why now, I don't know why me, but I will thank Him every day for allowing this.

Say a prayer for us if you pray.  If you don't pray, we'll take lots of positive thoughts and energy as we continue down this new path to meeting our baby.  I am smiling sitting here reading that because it just seems so unreal.  Me?  Pregnant?  With a baby?!  Thank you Lord for your beautiful blessing!  I will be welcoming all kinds of advice in the coming months on topics including but not limited to:

• Breast feeding
• Cloth Diapers
• Cures for nausea
• Things you can/can't live without
• Baby names
• L&D tips

If you're still with me, thank you and I can't wait to share more of this journey with you.  More to come....

Updates...

It's been a few weeks since I've posted so I'm going to keep it simple by bullet pointing what's been going on with us.  I said simple, not brief.

• We did injections last month.  We were super excited about that because we were hoping to get more aggressive with our approach since we have a cutoff date in mind.  We went in for our scan and had ONE follicle.  I was really floored.  I'd been expecting 2-4 so that we would have a better chance at conceiving.  No such luck.  It's frustrating when you spend that much money and anxiety over something and it doesn't do what you hoped it would do.  Then again, that's the chance you take with this mess.  We went forward with the IUI because the doc said if money wasn't an issue, they'd recommend it because it does improve your chances even w/ one follie.  We decided to pretend money wasn't an issue. :)  Isn't money always an issue when you're going through fertility treatments?  It's friggin' expensive!  If you didn't have a tight budget before treatments, you do now.  Anyway, we found out a few weeks ago the IUI wasn't successful.
• I had a long talk w/ my RE that day and asked her if we could go back to Clomid for one month because it was obvious to me that Anastrazole wasn't going to work and I wanted to wait another month before doing another round of injections. They want to double my dosage of Bravelle in hopes for more follicles so from a cost standpoint, we wanted to wait a month.  Dr. S thought Clomid was a good plan since I had consistently ended up with 2-3 follicles per cycle on Clomid.  The whole reason she put me on Anastrazole was to keep my lining from thinning out but I was still averaging between 9-12 mm (same as on Clomid) so I didn't really see any progression, we actually saw the opposite b/c we saw less follicles, same lining - go figure.  She doubled my Clomid dose and I started that on CD3.  She said we were going to start pushing the envelope.  I kind of wondered why we weren't pushing said envelope a little sooner than this, but I decided some things are better left unsaid.
• On CD4 I developed a massive headache that ended up becoming a really wretched migraine that lasted for five days.  I was miserable, but it was worth it.  At my scan on Sunday, we got the good news that we had a total of four follicles.  11, 12, 16, 21 mm.  Lining was 7 mm, lower than usual.  What's crazy is that she said that was still "a-ok" and she was only concerned if it was 5 or below.  (Which made me wonder why she ever took me off Clomid in the first place!!?!?)  We triggered Monday morning, had our IUI yesterday morning and I came home and rested the WHOLE day just to encourage everything to stay where it needed to stay.  Oh, and Rik crossed the finish line strong with 30 million on IUI day so this month is looking good for all intents and purposes!  We'll see what happens.  Please pray for us as we only have two months left to conceive and then we're moving on.  That's not written in stone or anything, but....that's where we're at currently.
• Time is just flying by these days.  Friends of ours that started trying to have children after we started this journey are now having baby #2 in a few months.  I'm really happy for them, it's just crazy how long we've been going through all of this (and I know it's nothing compared to some of the other stories we've heard!)...and we still aren't there yet.  I was thinking today that while I long to have a baby and want us to have a family of our own, it's not something that even seems like a possible reality to me anymore.  It just seems impossible that we will ever have a three part family, baby stuff laying around our living room, bottles in the cabinets, toys (not of the dog variety) all over the place or a nursery.  Those just do not seem like attainable dreams any more.  They are just dreams it seems and sometimes, that's difficult to get past.  It makes me think more and more we're wasting our time, even though I know we may NOT be.  Does this even make sense?  I'm not down, or sad or anything right now, it's just something that was on my mind today.  I just don't feel in my heart like we will EVER have a child.  The thought of it seems preposterous.  I could almost see us going to the moon on a hover craft before I could imagine us taking our own child to the playground for an afternoon.  But, I guess we'll see.  Hope leaves and then comes back in the same minute these days...which leads me to my next point...
• We're going to an adoption education class next Tuesday.  I was really pumped about this but now I'm a little leery.  I don't know if it's because I'm so hopeful this month is "our month" (see, hope has re-entered the program) or if it's because of my feelings noted in the previous bullet point.  It just seems like even if we went down that path, something would still happen to where we never succeeded (aaaand hope exits stage right).  I'm downright scared of that being the case.  I don't know what we'll learn or what we'll decide but hopefully, it's informative and I come away from it with a sense of peace.  I'm just scared of getting hurt by that process too.  I think some of these feelings are also a bit of a defense mechanism I'm throwing up to protect my heart a little....maybe.
• In other great news, a good friend of mine found out she's pregnant after trying to conceive for quite a while.  It's still early for them but I am so excited for her.  It's such a warm feeling to see someone who has gone through a lot of the same struggles we have gone through finally get the great news they've been hoping, waiting and praying for.  They are very special people and will make amazing parents.  I couldn't be happier for them!
• Rik's the new head coach of a high school baseball team here in town.  They've been conditioning for months and finally got started with tryouts and practices in the past few weeks.  The team had their first scrimmage game this weekend and I have to admit, I was SO proud of my husband.  Seeing him out there in his uniform, talking to the kids, working so hard on the field, working with the parents, making a difference for some of these guys....it was just a great thing to see.  All of his hard work has paid off and I am so happy for him.  Baseball has been such a huge part of his life, it's heartwarming to see him stepping from the role of player to coach and thriving in that role.  The kids love him and the parents and faculty members can't say enough good things about his efforts so far.  Did I mention I'm proud of him?  :)
• I went to watch my nephew, Matthew, play soccer last Friday night.  It's his first year of high school soccer and it's much more competitive and aggressive than the rec league or middle school soccer he is accustomed to.  He did great!  I sat in the stands, cheering against my old high school (weird!) and laughed myself silly over my niece and her crazy sense of humor.  Mallory's 11 years old and like Rik said last night, you never know what she's going to say or do next and it's adorably entertaining.  I honestly just LOVE being around her.  For about 20 minutes, she spoke with a British accent telling us stories about her classmates at school, then she was imitating how a girl on her softball team runs (imagine swinging your arms back and forth very quickly while you're flapping like a chicken) in front of everyone without the slightest bit of embarrassment.  She's hilarious!  My mom and stepdad came out too and we all had a great time.  Owen (nephew #2) wasn't as interested in hanging out with us since he had a friend with him but that's ok...I remember being 13 and being way too cool.  It was such a great night just being with my family and it still warms my heart to think about it.  I love them all so much. 
• Mallory invited me to come to her "Parent Shadow" day at her school yesterday (isn't that precious?) and we had a great time.  I went to lunch with her and then joined her in her 4th period class.  I absolutely loved it!  I felt honored she would ask me to go and be her stand-in Mom.  She has an amazing step-mom but it feels great to know she still loves her Aunt Shae Shae now and then.  :)

Ok, enough for now.  If you're still hanging around, here's a picture or two as a pay-off.

Someone in Altoid's market department never battled infertily.

This is my Mallory.  Proof of her insane personality that is such a joy to be around!

Matthew, Me and Mallory being our normal selves while Dad drove us around town last month.

Owen resting his beautiful eyes while we finished up our shopping.  Did I mention my brother makes beautiful kids?

Maddox (adopted nephew) was my date two Friday's ago.  He had raspberry sherbert!  We had so much fun!

Mallory and Chloe at Parent Shadow Day yesterday!  You can see how "snaggly" Mallory is in this picture.  She usually won't smile because she hates having snaggle teef.

I ate an entire humble pie all by myself!

I didn't think I could put this weekend into words, but here is what I'm feeling right this moment:

Exhausted. Happy. Satisfied.  Refreshed. Loved. Comforted. Hopeful.

Just laying here, thinking of the weekend I've just had, smiling at how amazing God can be when we obviously do not deserve it, I am so filled with excitement, love and pride for the women I met during the Created for Care conference that even though I am worn slap out, I couldn't possibly rest my head with all these thoughts bouncing around in there (lots of room for maneuvering, ya know).  I have reconnected.

I learned some really good things about myself this weekend and a few really not-so-good things about myself this weekend.  One or two I'm ashamed of.  Ten or twenty I'm thrilled with.  I'm NOT as alone as I thought I was.  Having all of you to write to, vent to, gather advice from, etc., has been so wonderful for my soul.  This weekend, I experienced those same things with people I could look in the eyes and SEE a reflection of my pain or my hope or my longing and I knew I wasn't alone again.  I don't have to be when God has made a way for me to meet people like you and like them.

I took tons of notes this weekend but one thing has stood out to me since Friday night and I want to share it with you here:

He finishes that which He begins.

I don't even need to say more.  But I will.  Duh.  I am going to make it through this.  Not in my time, but in His.  He will finish what He began.

Over the past few years, my faith has suffered.  I'm not proud of that.  However, I'm teachable and pliable.  Those are good things I learned.  When it has come to this infertility business, I have behaved rather insolently.  Like a child, I've covered my ears, sat down cross-legged in the middle of my life and refused to budge or listen or even try to understand anything but what I felt was my own need (& Rik's).  How utterly selfish and ignorant I've been in hindsight.  I've been so furious with people who've quoted scripture at me or at people who say maybe I'm not listening closely enough to what God has planned for me, or that maybe God didn't intend for us to have a family of "our" choosing (ouch).  I mean, I've been really ticked off at times.  I've wanted to go all Drew Barrymore a la' Firestarter on someone and light their hair on fire over some of the sweetest comments imaginable.  It wasn't them, they meant well...but I couldn't HEAR them.  I was ear-muffing it, remember?  

In my defense (I'm such an advocate for myself), when you want something SO badly and have a heart for children that is bursting to be shared and your life has been filled with failure and disappointment month after month, year after year, (pity party time) the last thing you need to hear sometimes is that you've NO control of the situation and that you need to have patience and trust.  What in the world feels trustworthy in this situation!?  What good could come of being patient when it hurts so much!? Don't answer that.  I have had some time to reflect and I get it.  My child could come of it.  It's a very real possibility.  I just haven't wanted to hear that I'm not in control.  I've made that sort of thing my business.  I have always made acquaintances with those cool girls Pride, Independence and Control.  In the 8 years prior to our fertility struggle, those hipsters kept me sane and mostly intact emotionally.  Now look at me! Such a mess.  Some clique that turned out to be huh?

It is in God's time.  Like it or not, it's true.  I heard so many stories this weekend of heart break followed by an exceeding joy that surpassed all understanding.  Women who lost a child due to an accident and felt led to adopt and acknowledging that their pain and suffering resulted in 8 children finding a new home.  Adoptions that fell through and a lack of understanding that almost sucked the life out of a household which is now bursting at the seams with love and happiness because it's been filled with four beautiful children.  We don't always understand what our purpose is or why our circumstances are what they are but we will if we listen closely enough.  I have to believe that after the stories I heard these past few days.

Next thought!

This weekend, I realized just how many lives can be affected, blessed, enriched, improved, honored, cherished, healed and saved through adoption.  My reasons for wanting to the adopt in the past started out 100% selfless. I wanted to make a difference for a child who had no one to love them.  That is until I found out that actually getting pregnant may not be an option for us.  Then adoption transformed into something that looked 40% selfless and 60% selfish.  I went from wanting to adopt domestically or fostering to adopt to cowering away from it out of fear, albeit mostly irrational fear, and desperation.  Adopting internationally was something I mostly wanted to do because of my desire to parent and love a child, but because I wanted to make a difference in a child's life as well.  The majority of the women at the conference this weekend were already parents of biological children when they felt called to adopt a child.  They wanted to help a child.  Most of them hadn't encountered infertility.  I sat in my chair both dumbfounded and humbled by these women.  I was bewildered by the realization that my need to love and cherish a child had completely superseded my need from long ago to make a difference for the children.  It wasn't all about them, it was mostly about me.  Bleh.  I wanted to crawl in a hole.  

So, I decided to do something selfless and attend a break-out session on Orphans in the US.  In other words, domestic adoption.  Months ago, Rik had said if we adopted, he'd probably prefer to adopt domestically and I recoiled in horror/fear/shock.  My little scrolly bar thingy in my mind read something like this:  "What if the birth mother changed her mind and took the baby back?  What if the birth mother found out where we lived and kidnapped the kid in 8 years (I told you - irrational!)?  What if we fostered and a grandparent challenged us in court and the judge gave our child back to his/her grandparent?  How would I survive that emotionally after all we've been through? ARE YOU CRAZY!?"  It was out of the question.  I didn't want to hear it.  I have passionately, in bold red ink, marked through the option of adopting an orphan in the United States.  It was too great a risk for my bruised and burned spirit.  Or so I thought.

Ladies and gentleman, I have been transformed.  My thoughts reshaped.  My heart refilled.  I had the joy of sitting in this break-out session and listening to two women speak about their journeys through domestic adoption.  Were they warm and fuzzy and easy and happy throughout the entire experience, absolutely NOT.  What adoption is?  What's romantic about adoption?  There is always going to be some type of hurt and pain involved for someone other than myself and the child.  I have been so self-absorbed in my own pain (I mean have you been reading how much self-pity I wallow in?  If you missed it, read above!) that I have never once truly considered what a birth mother will suffer through in making her decision to allow someone else to love, parent, cherish her child.  Obviously, I've thought more on this with international adoption, but honestly, not often.  It's been mine and the child's pain.  This realization about myself....well, I'm just disgusted and shocked.  I considered myself a very giving, considerate, compassionate person.  How did I lose that these last few years?

One of the speakers on this topic, Angie Gue, made domestic adoption such a reality for me that I am forever changed.  This woman's story has shown me what a Mother truly looks like in the eyes of God.  Her love and support for the birth mothers of her children blew me away.  Recognizing their hurt during her joy of becoming a mother and showing them such compassion was almost unfathomable to me.  I was amazed at her selflessness.  I connected with her even more because she is infertile.  Those children were longed for, prayed for, sought after.  Yet she cared more for the needs of the birth mothers than her own.  I can't even tell you what all she said because I could never do the stories justice.  All I can really say is that domestic adoption can be a beautiful thing for everyone involved and I am SO happy I chose to go to that session because I am a changed woman.  It was either that or "Nurturing your Marriage" (sorry honey!) and I'm glad God led me to the one I was meant to hear.

Whatever journey I began however many years ago (WHY can't I remember if I'm 32 or 31?!?!?) is not over.  It won't be until the day that I die.  Parts of it will come to an end or close but another part will continue and new paths may be forged and I will continue this journey until I no longer have breath in my lungs.  BUT.  No matter what I think I need, no matter what I ask for, no matter how convinced I am that I would be a good mother, I am finally ok knowing that I may have the honor of loving the children of my heart, not the children of my body.  

I have much more to say from the C4C conference and this may sound jumbled and make no sense but it's partly exhaustion and partly over-stimulation to my soul (in a good way) so getting this all out in some semblance of order would be quite a feat.  I love you all and I cannot thank you for all the support you have given me and are giving me now just by reading this.  I have been so encouraged by you!  If I met you this weekend, welcome to my blog and I'm so thankful for your kind words, tears and prayers.

There is Brave in Bravelle!

Well, I did it...and I'm smiling from ear to ear. I don't know why other than I'm really freaking proud of myself for not fainting! I am not even going to apologize for the horrible angle of this video, my super-southern accent, the whiteness of my flabby arms (are my arms REALLY that big!??!) or the hives on my chest....I gave myself a shot....with a needle! I am no longer a swooner. I did learn, however, it's best not to continue pressing the syringe into your tummy after it's already IN the skin....ouch. Thanks for all the support....I survived! :)~ Hopefully, I won't have to subject any of you to my midriff again until it's a baby bump. :)
love you guys.

Let the fright, fun and fainting begin!

Ok, if you're the praying type (I hope you are), please say a quick prayer for me.  I am about to give myself my very first injection and I'm going to need you all behind me (even if only in spirit) so that I have the confidence and wherewithall to go through with it.  Rik can't be here with me (or give it to me personally) so that means I have to buck up, suck it up and do it my dang self.  I was strong before, I can be strong now!  Raaaaaawwwwrrrrrrr!!!!!!

((For those of you that know my history with needles (I've come a loooong way), you know this is a huge deal right?  Keesha?  Mom?  You feel me right?  If I faint, I'll try to land on something soft!))

May or may not video.....we shall see.

I'm still here....taking up more space than usual.

Hey everyone.  Sorry I've been missing in action lately.  We had family in town, lots of Christmas dinners, then my birthday, then New Year's and honestly, it's taken me a week or so to fully recover.  My last post was full of anger, self-pity and sadness.  I'm feeling better today.  I have a better perspective and I'm doing what I can to keep the shadows at bay.  So far, so good.

While I was feeling sorry for myself, one of my favorite bloggers received some very sad and disappointing news over Christmas and it breaks my heart for her.  If you're the praying type, please send up a few prayers for her and her husband.  They need mercy and peace and at least some level of understanding bestowed upon them and even with these things in abundance, their hearts are going to take a long time to heal.

As far as my situation goes, we had another setback this past cycle.  The Anastrazole decided to hate me again and we produced only one follicle and Dr. S felt we should cancel the IUI we had planned and work with "timed intercourse" instead.  We were both pretty disappointed to say the least.  Then she went back to the ol' "next month we'll try injections" scenario (I feel like I'm riding on a gigantic yo-yo sometimes with this injection topic with her).  I just don't understand why we're not going back with Clomid which gave us the desired response on all levels.  I'm averaging the same thickness of my endometrium on Anastrazole as I did with Clomid so I don't get why we can't just stick with that since I was responding so well to it.  Oh well, I'm just the patient.  I'll do whatever will give us the best chance.

Which leads me to my next bit of information.  I think we're pretty close to being done.  Done with trying for a biological child.  Both of us go back and forth on the subject but I think that just indicates we're getting closer to giving up.  Sometimes, Rik is the one saying he's just tired of seeing us go through the emotional stuff.  Then it's me saying I'm tired of it.  We just both never seem to be tired of it at the same time.  :)  So for now, we've decided we're going to give it through April and then move on.  We may change our minds once April gets here and the panic sets in and reality hits us, but for now, that's where we are.  Realizing you will never have a biological child is going to be a hard pill to swallow.  Some of you have already taken that pill and are making it through each day somehow.  Some of you continued to battle through this infertility business and it paid off.

The doctor thinks we may have a fertilization issue which could only be corrected by IVF.  That's not something either of us want to do or try.  If I'm going to spend that kind of money, I want to bet on a sure thing.  Then again, I know adoption is never a sure thing...I'm learning that more and more the more people I meet and talk to about it.  I just can't imagine spending $20k on IVF and having it fail when I could spend a little more than that and have a better chance of bringing home a child that needs a family like ours just as much as we need it.  I won't love the child any less.  And when I think of all the children that would give anything to be loved and care for by a mom and a dad, it just seems wrong (for ME) to put my need for a biological child above that.  I don't think it's wrong for everyone, I just feel in my heart that it would be wrong for me.  It's very likely that by March or April I will feel very differently, but for now...that's where I'm sitting.  Who knows what will happen when we're actually facing that decision and have to make a choice to continue or make ourselves Plan B for a child whose Plan A fell through?

Sidenote of sorts....One of my former co-workers just picked up her daughter in China after waiting for SEVEN years for her.  In the meantime, she adopted one little boy domestically and managed to have a surprise pregnancy of her own as well.  It tugs on my heartstrings more than I can say to realize that even though she was born in their hearts as their first child, she was the last one to physically join their family.  Seven years.....wow.  She is a beautiful little girl and I'm sure they would do it all over again in a minute.

I am going to adoption retreat in Buford, Georgia at the end of this month with one of my blogger (and IRL) friends, Jennifer over at A Journey of Babysteps.  I'm excited, but very nervous because the retreat will be full of women already in the process of adopting and women who actually have already adopted. I am hoping that there are some women like me who know very little about the process but are interested in learning as much as they can about it.  Hopefully, it won't all be over my head.

Now, I'm going to spend a while going through all your blogs and checking up on each of you.  I'm sorry I've not been here for you these past few weeks.  I'm ashamed of myself for wallowing in this tarpit of emotions - I'll do better in the future and hopefully, none of you will have to check in on me to make sure I'm still alive.  :)  Love to you all.

Shannon

Thought Vomit Thursday! Get It While It's Hot!

Hello friends.  Sorry it has been a week since I've posted anything.  It's not even that it's been a busy week, I've just been super lazy.  I'll do better, I promise.  This is going to be a Thought Vomit Thursday of EPIC proportions....mainly because it's a long post.  If you're not interested or in the mood for a long read, I understand, but keep reading anyway.

I have literally felt so uneducated this last week.  I don't mean like the "I didn't get the proper education" uneducated, but more like the "I don't know enough about my "situation" to know if I'm on the right track, the wrong track or no track at all" uneducated.  I read your blogs, I see your stats and your measurements and your test results and I can't help but wonder why I don't know all of mine off the top of my gourd and does that mean I am not serious about this infertility business?  I feel like I'm serious business.  I also have no clue what 90% of the hormones the doctor is testing me for are supposed to do and if mine are at normal or abnormal levels?  I will say though, I have come a long way in the past year or two.

Before last year, I had no idea where my cervix was or what it did, where my uterus was hanging out in there and where it all was in relation to my fallopian tubes and ovaries (which I was semi-familar with).  Up until one year ago, I had NO idea that your cervix was a little tubish shaped thing with a hole at the end.  I kind of thought...never mind.  You get the point.  Sure, I have seen the diagrams but they are usually a frontal view and I needed a more accurate and lifelike illustration to help my visual-learning self come to grips with what the doc was seeing when I was on the table being fileted during my once a year appointment.  Thanks to a lovely book my friend gave me, I now get it and understand and can pretend to be knowledgeable during my procedures that involve discussion about such things.

What I do NOT get is how medications work, how they effect my body, why we use them, what my hormones should be doing, which tests do I need, which tests have I had and ultimately, why is nothing we're doing working and by working I mean getting pregnant?

Tuesday, I had my 12 day scan.  I had done what Dr. S asked of me and taken the crappy anastrazole for the alloted time and so there I sat, with bated breath, while we waited for the ax to drop.  As you'll recall, last month, the anastrazole did nothing more for me than my body was naturally doing.  I produced ONE follicle, released one egg and didn't get pregnant.  What happened, was not at all what we expected.  Who happily gobbled up an entire humble pie and asked for seconds?  This girl.

We had three follicles.  They measured in at a lofty 10, 12 & 14 mm's.  All on the right side which is usually my "quiet" side.  The left was completely silent this month.  A ghost-town if you prefer.  Dr. S was pleased and said my endometrium was nice and fluffy, triple-striped and measuring 9 mm I think it was.  She told us to go home, continue the OPK's and when we had an LH surge to call and report it but if we didn't have one by Thurs or Friday morning to let them know and we'd do a trigger shot Friday with an IUI Saturday.  Easy as humble pie.

While we were there, Rik asked if we needed to sign up for the class on the injectable meds and go ahea and have those ordered so they'd be here for next month just in case this month was another failure.  Dr. S basically said that she didn't think injectable meds would be a good benefit for us because it would only increase our chances about 1-2% because we have already had so many failed attempts w/ IUI's after good responses from Clomid & now Anastrazole.  She said there gets to be a point when you have to start questioning the fertilization process, egg quality and other more serious problems.  It wasn't easy to hear at all.  I have to tell you at one point I thought I was going to fall over.  She said those problems were confirmed and worked around by IVF.  The three letters I never wanted to hear.  She said she would recommend continuing with the oral medication and IUI's until we couldn't do it anymore emotionally and then move on to IVF if we still weren't successful.

We left with our results both happy and sad.  Overall, I felt pretty good because that little light of hope was already starting to shine through the clouds and lift my spirits.  Three follicles this month!  Then my mind started working and thinking and wondering about things that maybe it shouldn't, but usually does and I end up emotional, frustrated and cranky.  By the end of the day, I was all of those things.

Total sidenote here: At the old clinic, they did lots of things to/for me like prescriptions, scans, bloodwork, trigger shots and tests during a cycle (albeit with wretched service) .  It sounds like the same happens for all of you ladies as well.  I got accustomed to that level of pampering (not that being stuck and jabbed and poked with the DC is pampering, but in this twisted IF world we live in, you get my drift) and at this clinic, it's more hands-off, let your body do the work if it's working and we'll do our part when it decides to cooperate.  My body cooperates and they do their thing and viola!  No baby.

So my thoughts were centered around why they were letting me ovulate on my own instead of using the trigger shot to release more eggs, does my body only release one egg naturally, and if so, why the heck are we trying to create more follicles with medicine when we are only taking a stab at one per month anyway?  So I started trying to figure out if the hcg shot causes more than one egg to release (I had no idea!) and it seemed like that was a true statement.  Then I started researching ovulation and it seemed like what I read stated that the most mature egg would release during ovulation.  Naturally, I was confused.  I felt like we should be getting two or three follicles to release each month so that we had more than one shot to get pregnant.  Again, I've already admitted I'm uneducated about this girls so don't beat me over the head if you already see where this is going!  :)  Ultimately, I just needed to know one thing, "What's the point?"

I received a positive LH surge yesterday morning and called it in.  They scheduled our IUI for this morning.  While I had the nurse on the line, I asked her the above questions and she stumbled around a bit and ended up sort of confirming what I was thinking and then also saying I should ask Dr. S.  So, Rik and I discussed everything last night and I typed out a few questions this morning that I wanted answers to.  I always get nervous or anxious in the room and all of my well planned questions and coherent thoughts take a vacation the second the doc asks if we have any questions for her!  She surprised me when I pulled out my sheet of paper today (with about 9 questions on it) by pulling up her stool and reading them all one by one, taking time to thoughtfully explain each and every one of them for us.  I had to fight back tears the whole time and ended up covered in hives by the time it was all said and done, which also happens when I am nervous or anxious or both.  The IUI didn't help things either because it had actually been the most painful one I've had to date.  Stupid tilted thing-a-ma-jig aka uterus.

Here were my questions and her answers and hopefully, this will help someone else that might be uneducated and confrused about what the heck is going on down there and why we are doing what we're told to do in the first place.

1.) Does ovulating naturally (without a trigger shot) release only one egg? Dr. S = Not necessarily.  If you have two that are mature, two can release naturally and the same goes with three.  That is why we have you take the oral medicine so that you have as many mature follicles as possible by the time you have an LH surge or we give you an hcg injection.
2.) Does HCG cause more eggs to be released if there are several mature follicles?  Dr. S = Yes and no.  It causes you to ovulate when you're body doesn't naturally.  The reason we let you ovulate on your own is because at times the risk outweighs the rewards in that hcg can cause your eggs to die if they aren't mature enough when released.  When you're not ovulating on your own, obviously that risk is worth taking because the benefits are that you will then ovulate and hopefully one or two will survive.  (this one, i got a little fuzzy on because I thought about it too much so this may not have been her exact response but it's close)
3.) What is actually considered a mature follicle?  I think she said anything over 13 or 14 mm's.
4.) If ovulating naturally releases only the most mature follicle/egg why are we taking medicine to produce more follicles and then being allowed to ovulate naturally, releasing only one egg anyway? ((See above so she didn't really have to answer this one.))
5.) What benefits are there to taking medicine if this is the case (above)?  Dr. S = The goal is to get several mature follicles by the time you ovulate so that you do have a couple of eggs that are released.  
6.) Can we be more aggressive without moving on to IVF? Or is this our next best option?  Dr. S = Not in our case.  Basically, we fall into a grey area in that we are partially unexplained infertility, partially explained by endometriosis.  The possibility of getting pregnant doubles for people with endometriosis during the six months after having the surgery and getting it all cleaned up.  With us, however, it's not really that cut and dry because I didn't have any of the closed off fallopian tubes, seriously effected ovaries or misshaped/deformed uterus that was corrected in surgery.  At this point, it's a waiting game and if it doesn't work in six months or so with what we're doing, we'll have to decide if we want to move forward with IVF to check egg quality and fertilization issues.  My body responds so well to oral meds and I ovulate like clock-work it seems so it really doesn't make a ton of sense why this isn't working.
7.) Why were injectable meds mentioned at our last IUI if not it's not something that would really increase our chances of conception?  (I had gotten excited thinking we were heading in a new/agressive direction and now I feel really let down and like we have hit a dead-end.)  Dr. S = At the time of the last IUI, we hadn't gotten any response out of the Anastrazole.  If we hadn't gotten the response we needed from it this month, she was going to pair it with something to stimulate my ovaries and just let the Anastrazole do it's thing with my lining.  Since we did get the response we needed this time, there is no use in using injectables because getting five or six or more follies is not something they want to see (and I don't either). I just had NO idea that's why she recommended it or why it was no longer something that could benefit us.  I am happy with this answer, most of all.
8.) Do we have any idea why this isn't working or what our problem might be?  Dr. S = Nope.  Hopefully, it's just a matter of time and we do something right and get a positive result.  I have to keep reminding myself we have had one IUI since surgery (even if only slightly increased our chances) and it was working with ONE follicle.  Patience.
9.) Are there any other tests that can be done? Dr. S = You've had them.  Other than retrieving eggs and testing them in the lab/doing IVF, there aren't any other tests to do.  


So, I'm still a mystery....but a smarter one now.  I'm still frustrated but more so at my body than anything else.  I'm still cranky, but mostly just because I'm tired of all of this, depressed that I've gained an extra 10-15 lbs, exhausted from the emotional mess I stay these days and annoyed that I haven't done more Q&A in the past.  I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I had thought to ask all of this information on the front end or at least during the past year.

Anyway, she sent us on our merry way today by telling us to take a home pregnancy test in two weeks and let them know the results.  Sure, I still wish I could go to the office and have them draw my blood and then let me know, but I'll do it the ol' fashioned way and POAS like the rest of the TTC community.  She also recommended that I start taking a different Progesterone supplement, one that doesn't cause me to look like Sponge Bob Square Pants.

And to round out this post which has turned into a seriously long novel that could have been delivered in a Trilogy (a la Matrix or Lord of the Rings), I give you (insert dramatic drumroll) my stats, measurements and a few test results.  Yep, I asked for a printout!  I'm such a big girl these days (and I don't mean because I'm chubby now)!

Baseline Ultrasound (I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS MEASURED!!!!!):  Antral Follicle Count 10-20 (read somewhere that this is "normal")

IUI Cycle #1:
Clomid 50 mg x 5 days starting CD 5
3 follicles greater than 16 mm (one was 30)
Endometrium 9mm
10k hcg given
TMC (what's this stand for exactly, I know it's the specimen that was used for insemination) 13 million
Provera 10mg started for 10 days   (this is NOT true - I didn't take Provera, ever....Thanks old clinic!)
BIG FAT NEGATIVE!

IUI Cycle #2:

Clomid 50 mg x 5 days starting CD 3

3 follicles greater than 16 mm

Endometrium 9 mm

TMC 11 million

hcg 10k given at home by hubby

E2 = 254 pg/ml (Estradiol is at a normal level)

THIS is when I started taking Prometrium 3 x's a day on CD 14 but it's not mentioned in my chart.  Thanks again old clinic!

BFN

IUI Cycle # 3:

Clomid 50 mg x 5 days starting CD 5 - I still think I was at CD 7 at this point but devil nurse insisted

3 follicles greater than 15 mm (I had already ovulated at this point though - Thank you old clinic!)

Endometrium 12 mm

hcg 10k after natural ovulation

Progesterone was 8.9 when tested (no clue what cycle day this was though)

Prometrium 3 x per day for 12 days starting CD 14

NO IUI performed, just timed intercourse (the name of which makes me think you're supposed to use a stop watch or something - makes me giggle)

BFN

IUI Cycle # 4: NEW CLINIC

Anastrazole 2 mg x 5 days starting CD 3

Endometrium 9 mm

1 follicle @ 16 mm on CD 12

No hcg given

Motile Sperm Count 39 million

Prometrium 1 x per day for 7 days before eye-bulging incident and discontinued :)

BFN

IUI Cycle # 5:

Anastrazole 2 mg x 5 days starting CD 3

Endometrium 9 mm

3 follicles - 10, 12, 14 mm on CD 12

NO hcg given

Motile Sperm Count 32 million

Progesterone supplement to be started on CD 16

results: TBD

If you hung around this long, thank you and I love you.

Shannon

To Smite or Not To Smite?

Alright, let's get this update out of the way because I've been putting it off long enough.  Obviously, I shared with you gorgeous ladies (& Doc) that our last IUI failed.  For whatever reason, even though we were hesitant at first to go forward with the IUI after how little response we got out of the Anastrazole, I managed to get myself all worked up into a tizzy thinking that little scrapper follicle of ours was going to produce the most amazing and receptive egg EVER and turn out to be our miraculous and precious lab-love-child.  It wasn't to be.  For reasons that we mortals (as usual) will never understand.  I wish I was one of the enlightened ones from time to time but apparently that dumb-founded look suits me better in His eyes?

With me, I usually only have about three days to be really sad about a failed attempt.  I take a test or have my labs done and usually start that day, sometimes before the labs are even back.  Something about those tests MUST send out the signal and here comes the Goddess of Endometrium Linings in her gorgeous red chariot (sticking w/ the Gods theme?)...  Anyway, back to me being mortally dumb-founded and sad for three days.  I usually start some type of new treatment cycle on day three or day five depending on what we're trying and so the sadness is replaced by acceptance, which is replaced by focus, which is then trumped by determination which then blossoms into hope all over again.  Rollercoaster anyone?  Six Flags has nothing on IF.  Fo' real.

So anywho, I called the RE's office to tell them my test was negative since she had me test at home (which still bothers me because I don't feel "important" enough for them to test me in their office and don't they know I need to feel catered to/pampered?  I want them to stick me and make me bleed and tell me personally that this didn't work!  For those of you that know me, you know why that sounds completely insane - I'm a swooner of the worst kind when it comes to needles, or at least I was in my pre-IF life.) and the nurse called back to let me know they were there if I needed anything and to let them know if we decided to pursue another treatment cycle.  Naturally, I jumped right on board and told her we were definitely interested in the next cycle.  I told her what Dr. S had recommended at our previous IUI (in case it failed) which was possibly combining the Anastrazole with something else or doing Clomid and injectables.  She said she'd call me back after she spoke w/ Dr. S.

She called me back and gave me the kind of news that leaves you dumber-founded for a few days and asking a ton of questions that make you look like a know-it-all and a control-freak all at the same time.  She wanted us to try the Anastrazole again.  Nothing else.  The nurse kept saying how starting injectables takes some time, you have to pre-order the meds, take a class on them, go over payment options, etc. and she kept making me feel like I had been the one to recommend we do that next.  All I had done was tell her what Dr. S told us we might try next!  So of course, I back-pedal and try to explain that I wasn't PUSHING for injectables, she had just been wondering what Dr. S might want to do so I threw out what Dr. S had told us.  Don't you HATE that feeling when someone misunderstands you and the more you try to explain it, the more ridiculous you sound?  Sometimes, well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.  Ugh.

So, I asked her why we were only doing the Anastrazole after my body didn't respond well to it.  She said because it keeps your endometrium thick (triple stripe style) and makes a good environment for the fertilized egg to implant in.  I get that.  But on Clomid, my endometrium was always thick and my former RE always seemed happy that it looked so great.  AND I produced several follicles (which obviously weren't successful, but still).  I just don't understand why we are doing this again with nothing else.  It feels like a filler month while we move on to injectables.  I produce one follie a month on my own.  That's not a problem.  My endometrium is never super thin.  That's not a problem.  So why are we doing NOTHING more aggressive than taking these stupid pills that did nothing for me!?  And then, to beat it all, she said if THIS fails, we'll move on to injectables but only after we know this fails so that's another month of ordering meds and training and blah blah blah.  I wanted to take up the Goddess's tampon shaped trident and smite the nurse through the phone I was so upset!

So, what do you think?  I mean should I have pushed for something more aggressive?  This is our 35th month of TTC.  I'm tired of being so passive.  We aren't monitored much, the nurse told me to take an OPK and once positive to schedule my IUI for the next day and I had to ask her if we could have an ultrasound on day 10 or 11 to know how well the Anastrazole was working this month.  I just feel hung out to dry or something.  Am I being too sensitive here?

I've been a good patient though and I have taken my stupid friggin Anastrazole every day like a good girl and do my best not to get more depressed about the whole situation.  Sadness hasn't really turned into acceptance which will hinder focus and determination from making an appearance and probably erase hope completely this month.   So, I've decided this mortal stuff sucks.