Updates...

It's been a few weeks since I've posted so I'm going to keep it simple by bullet pointing what's been going on with us.  I said simple, not brief.

• We did injections last month.  We were super excited about that because we were hoping to get more aggressive with our approach since we have a cutoff date in mind.  We went in for our scan and had ONE follicle.  I was really floored.  I'd been expecting 2-4 so that we would have a better chance at conceiving.  No such luck.  It's frustrating when you spend that much money and anxiety over something and it doesn't do what you hoped it would do.  Then again, that's the chance you take with this mess.  We went forward with the IUI because the doc said if money wasn't an issue, they'd recommend it because it does improve your chances even w/ one follie.  We decided to pretend money wasn't an issue. :)  Isn't money always an issue when you're going through fertility treatments?  It's friggin' expensive!  If you didn't have a tight budget before treatments, you do now.  Anyway, we found out a few weeks ago the IUI wasn't successful.
• I had a long talk w/ my RE that day and asked her if we could go back to Clomid for one month because it was obvious to me that Anastrazole wasn't going to work and I wanted to wait another month before doing another round of injections. They want to double my dosage of Bravelle in hopes for more follicles so from a cost standpoint, we wanted to wait a month.  Dr. S thought Clomid was a good plan since I had consistently ended up with 2-3 follicles per cycle on Clomid.  The whole reason she put me on Anastrazole was to keep my lining from thinning out but I was still averaging between 9-12 mm (same as on Clomid) so I didn't really see any progression, we actually saw the opposite b/c we saw less follicles, same lining - go figure.  She doubled my Clomid dose and I started that on CD3.  She said we were going to start pushing the envelope.  I kind of wondered why we weren't pushing said envelope a little sooner than this, but I decided some things are better left unsaid.
• On CD4 I developed a massive headache that ended up becoming a really wretched migraine that lasted for five days.  I was miserable, but it was worth it.  At my scan on Sunday, we got the good news that we had a total of four follicles.  11, 12, 16, 21 mm.  Lining was 7 mm, lower than usual.  What's crazy is that she said that was still "a-ok" and she was only concerned if it was 5 or below.  (Which made me wonder why she ever took me off Clomid in the first place!!?!?)  We triggered Monday morning, had our IUI yesterday morning and I came home and rested the WHOLE day just to encourage everything to stay where it needed to stay.  Oh, and Rik crossed the finish line strong with 30 million on IUI day so this month is looking good for all intents and purposes!  We'll see what happens.  Please pray for us as we only have two months left to conceive and then we're moving on.  That's not written in stone or anything, but....that's where we're at currently.
• Time is just flying by these days.  Friends of ours that started trying to have children after we started this journey are now having baby #2 in a few months.  I'm really happy for them, it's just crazy how long we've been going through all of this (and I know it's nothing compared to some of the other stories we've heard!)...and we still aren't there yet.  I was thinking today that while I long to have a baby and want us to have a family of our own, it's not something that even seems like a possible reality to me anymore.  It just seems impossible that we will ever have a three part family, baby stuff laying around our living room, bottles in the cabinets, toys (not of the dog variety) all over the place or a nursery.  Those just do not seem like attainable dreams any more.  They are just dreams it seems and sometimes, that's difficult to get past.  It makes me think more and more we're wasting our time, even though I know we may NOT be.  Does this even make sense?  I'm not down, or sad or anything right now, it's just something that was on my mind today.  I just don't feel in my heart like we will EVER have a child.  The thought of it seems preposterous.  I could almost see us going to the moon on a hover craft before I could imagine us taking our own child to the playground for an afternoon.  But, I guess we'll see.  Hope leaves and then comes back in the same minute these days...which leads me to my next point...
• We're going to an adoption education class next Tuesday.  I was really pumped about this but now I'm a little leery.  I don't know if it's because I'm so hopeful this month is "our month" (see, hope has re-entered the program) or if it's because of my feelings noted in the previous bullet point.  It just seems like even if we went down that path, something would still happen to where we never succeeded (aaaand hope exits stage right).  I'm downright scared of that being the case.  I don't know what we'll learn or what we'll decide but hopefully, it's informative and I come away from it with a sense of peace.  I'm just scared of getting hurt by that process too.  I think some of these feelings are also a bit of a defense mechanism I'm throwing up to protect my heart a little....maybe.
• In other great news, a good friend of mine found out she's pregnant after trying to conceive for quite a while.  It's still early for them but I am so excited for her.  It's such a warm feeling to see someone who has gone through a lot of the same struggles we have gone through finally get the great news they've been hoping, waiting and praying for.  They are very special people and will make amazing parents.  I couldn't be happier for them!
• Rik's the new head coach of a high school baseball team here in town.  They've been conditioning for months and finally got started with tryouts and practices in the past few weeks.  The team had their first scrimmage game this weekend and I have to admit, I was SO proud of my husband.  Seeing him out there in his uniform, talking to the kids, working so hard on the field, working with the parents, making a difference for some of these guys....it was just a great thing to see.  All of his hard work has paid off and I am so happy for him.  Baseball has been such a huge part of his life, it's heartwarming to see him stepping from the role of player to coach and thriving in that role.  The kids love him and the parents and faculty members can't say enough good things about his efforts so far.  Did I mention I'm proud of him?  :)
• I went to watch my nephew, Matthew, play soccer last Friday night.  It's his first year of high school soccer and it's much more competitive and aggressive than the rec league or middle school soccer he is accustomed to.  He did great!  I sat in the stands, cheering against my old high school (weird!) and laughed myself silly over my niece and her crazy sense of humor.  Mallory's 11 years old and like Rik said last night, you never know what she's going to say or do next and it's adorably entertaining.  I honestly just LOVE being around her.  For about 20 minutes, she spoke with a British accent telling us stories about her classmates at school, then she was imitating how a girl on her softball team runs (imagine swinging your arms back and forth very quickly while you're flapping like a chicken) in front of everyone without the slightest bit of embarrassment.  She's hilarious!  My mom and stepdad came out too and we all had a great time.  Owen (nephew #2) wasn't as interested in hanging out with us since he had a friend with him but that's ok...I remember being 13 and being way too cool.  It was such a great night just being with my family and it still warms my heart to think about it.  I love them all so much. 
• Mallory invited me to come to her "Parent Shadow" day at her school yesterday (isn't that precious?) and we had a great time.  I went to lunch with her and then joined her in her 4th period class.  I absolutely loved it!  I felt honored she would ask me to go and be her stand-in Mom.  She has an amazing step-mom but it feels great to know she still loves her Aunt Shae Shae now and then.  :)

Ok, enough for now.  If you're still hanging around, here's a picture or two as a pay-off.

Someone in Altoid's market department never battled infertily.

This is my Mallory.  Proof of her insane personality that is such a joy to be around!

Matthew, Me and Mallory being our normal selves while Dad drove us around town last month.

Owen resting his beautiful eyes while we finished up our shopping.  Did I mention my brother makes beautiful kids?

Maddox (adopted nephew) was my date two Friday's ago.  He had raspberry sherbert!  We had so much fun!

Mallory and Chloe at Parent Shadow Day yesterday!  You can see how "snaggly" Mallory is in this picture.  She usually won't smile because she hates having snaggle teef.

Thought Vomit Thursday! Get It While It's Hot!

Hello friends.  Sorry it has been a week since I've posted anything.  It's not even that it's been a busy week, I've just been super lazy.  I'll do better, I promise.  This is going to be a Thought Vomit Thursday of EPIC proportions....mainly because it's a long post.  If you're not interested or in the mood for a long read, I understand, but keep reading anyway.

I have literally felt so uneducated this last week.  I don't mean like the "I didn't get the proper education" uneducated, but more like the "I don't know enough about my "situation" to know if I'm on the right track, the wrong track or no track at all" uneducated.  I read your blogs, I see your stats and your measurements and your test results and I can't help but wonder why I don't know all of mine off the top of my gourd and does that mean I am not serious about this infertility business?  I feel like I'm serious business.  I also have no clue what 90% of the hormones the doctor is testing me for are supposed to do and if mine are at normal or abnormal levels?  I will say though, I have come a long way in the past year or two.

Before last year, I had no idea where my cervix was or what it did, where my uterus was hanging out in there and where it all was in relation to my fallopian tubes and ovaries (which I was semi-familar with).  Up until one year ago, I had NO idea that your cervix was a little tubish shaped thing with a hole at the end.  I kind of thought...never mind.  You get the point.  Sure, I have seen the diagrams but they are usually a frontal view and I needed a more accurate and lifelike illustration to help my visual-learning self come to grips with what the doc was seeing when I was on the table being fileted during my once a year appointment.  Thanks to a lovely book my friend gave me, I now get it and understand and can pretend to be knowledgeable during my procedures that involve discussion about such things.

What I do NOT get is how medications work, how they effect my body, why we use them, what my hormones should be doing, which tests do I need, which tests have I had and ultimately, why is nothing we're doing working and by working I mean getting pregnant?

Tuesday, I had my 12 day scan.  I had done what Dr. S asked of me and taken the crappy anastrazole for the alloted time and so there I sat, with bated breath, while we waited for the ax to drop.  As you'll recall, last month, the anastrazole did nothing more for me than my body was naturally doing.  I produced ONE follicle, released one egg and didn't get pregnant.  What happened, was not at all what we expected.  Who happily gobbled up an entire humble pie and asked for seconds?  This girl.

We had three follicles.  They measured in at a lofty 10, 12 & 14 mm's.  All on the right side which is usually my "quiet" side.  The left was completely silent this month.  A ghost-town if you prefer.  Dr. S was pleased and said my endometrium was nice and fluffy, triple-striped and measuring 9 mm I think it was.  She told us to go home, continue the OPK's and when we had an LH surge to call and report it but if we didn't have one by Thurs or Friday morning to let them know and we'd do a trigger shot Friday with an IUI Saturday.  Easy as humble pie.

While we were there, Rik asked if we needed to sign up for the class on the injectable meds and go ahea and have those ordered so they'd be here for next month just in case this month was another failure.  Dr. S basically said that she didn't think injectable meds would be a good benefit for us because it would only increase our chances about 1-2% because we have already had so many failed attempts w/ IUI's after good responses from Clomid & now Anastrazole.  She said there gets to be a point when you have to start questioning the fertilization process, egg quality and other more serious problems.  It wasn't easy to hear at all.  I have to tell you at one point I thought I was going to fall over.  She said those problems were confirmed and worked around by IVF.  The three letters I never wanted to hear.  She said she would recommend continuing with the oral medication and IUI's until we couldn't do it anymore emotionally and then move on to IVF if we still weren't successful.

We left with our results both happy and sad.  Overall, I felt pretty good because that little light of hope was already starting to shine through the clouds and lift my spirits.  Three follicles this month!  Then my mind started working and thinking and wondering about things that maybe it shouldn't, but usually does and I end up emotional, frustrated and cranky.  By the end of the day, I was all of those things.

Total sidenote here: At the old clinic, they did lots of things to/for me like prescriptions, scans, bloodwork, trigger shots and tests during a cycle (albeit with wretched service) .  It sounds like the same happens for all of you ladies as well.  I got accustomed to that level of pampering (not that being stuck and jabbed and poked with the DC is pampering, but in this twisted IF world we live in, you get my drift) and at this clinic, it's more hands-off, let your body do the work if it's working and we'll do our part when it decides to cooperate.  My body cooperates and they do their thing and viola!  No baby.

So my thoughts were centered around why they were letting me ovulate on my own instead of using the trigger shot to release more eggs, does my body only release one egg naturally, and if so, why the heck are we trying to create more follicles with medicine when we are only taking a stab at one per month anyway?  So I started trying to figure out if the hcg shot causes more than one egg to release (I had no idea!) and it seemed like that was a true statement.  Then I started researching ovulation and it seemed like what I read stated that the most mature egg would release during ovulation.  Naturally, I was confused.  I felt like we should be getting two or three follicles to release each month so that we had more than one shot to get pregnant.  Again, I've already admitted I'm uneducated about this girls so don't beat me over the head if you already see where this is going!  :)  Ultimately, I just needed to know one thing, "What's the point?"

I received a positive LH surge yesterday morning and called it in.  They scheduled our IUI for this morning.  While I had the nurse on the line, I asked her the above questions and she stumbled around a bit and ended up sort of confirming what I was thinking and then also saying I should ask Dr. S.  So, Rik and I discussed everything last night and I typed out a few questions this morning that I wanted answers to.  I always get nervous or anxious in the room and all of my well planned questions and coherent thoughts take a vacation the second the doc asks if we have any questions for her!  She surprised me when I pulled out my sheet of paper today (with about 9 questions on it) by pulling up her stool and reading them all one by one, taking time to thoughtfully explain each and every one of them for us.  I had to fight back tears the whole time and ended up covered in hives by the time it was all said and done, which also happens when I am nervous or anxious or both.  The IUI didn't help things either because it had actually been the most painful one I've had to date.  Stupid tilted thing-a-ma-jig aka uterus.

Here were my questions and her answers and hopefully, this will help someone else that might be uneducated and confrused about what the heck is going on down there and why we are doing what we're told to do in the first place.

1.) Does ovulating naturally (without a trigger shot) release only one egg? Dr. S = Not necessarily.  If you have two that are mature, two can release naturally and the same goes with three.  That is why we have you take the oral medicine so that you have as many mature follicles as possible by the time you have an LH surge or we give you an hcg injection.
2.) Does HCG cause more eggs to be released if there are several mature follicles?  Dr. S = Yes and no.  It causes you to ovulate when you're body doesn't naturally.  The reason we let you ovulate on your own is because at times the risk outweighs the rewards in that hcg can cause your eggs to die if they aren't mature enough when released.  When you're not ovulating on your own, obviously that risk is worth taking because the benefits are that you will then ovulate and hopefully one or two will survive.  (this one, i got a little fuzzy on because I thought about it too much so this may not have been her exact response but it's close)
3.) What is actually considered a mature follicle?  I think she said anything over 13 or 14 mm's.
4.) If ovulating naturally releases only the most mature follicle/egg why are we taking medicine to produce more follicles and then being allowed to ovulate naturally, releasing only one egg anyway? ((See above so she didn't really have to answer this one.))
5.) What benefits are there to taking medicine if this is the case (above)?  Dr. S = The goal is to get several mature follicles by the time you ovulate so that you do have a couple of eggs that are released.  
6.) Can we be more aggressive without moving on to IVF? Or is this our next best option?  Dr. S = Not in our case.  Basically, we fall into a grey area in that we are partially unexplained infertility, partially explained by endometriosis.  The possibility of getting pregnant doubles for people with endometriosis during the six months after having the surgery and getting it all cleaned up.  With us, however, it's not really that cut and dry because I didn't have any of the closed off fallopian tubes, seriously effected ovaries or misshaped/deformed uterus that was corrected in surgery.  At this point, it's a waiting game and if it doesn't work in six months or so with what we're doing, we'll have to decide if we want to move forward with IVF to check egg quality and fertilization issues.  My body responds so well to oral meds and I ovulate like clock-work it seems so it really doesn't make a ton of sense why this isn't working.
7.) Why were injectable meds mentioned at our last IUI if not it's not something that would really increase our chances of conception?  (I had gotten excited thinking we were heading in a new/agressive direction and now I feel really let down and like we have hit a dead-end.)  Dr. S = At the time of the last IUI, we hadn't gotten any response out of the Anastrazole.  If we hadn't gotten the response we needed from it this month, she was going to pair it with something to stimulate my ovaries and just let the Anastrazole do it's thing with my lining.  Since we did get the response we needed this time, there is no use in using injectables because getting five or six or more follies is not something they want to see (and I don't either). I just had NO idea that's why she recommended it or why it was no longer something that could benefit us.  I am happy with this answer, most of all.
8.) Do we have any idea why this isn't working or what our problem might be?  Dr. S = Nope.  Hopefully, it's just a matter of time and we do something right and get a positive result.  I have to keep reminding myself we have had one IUI since surgery (even if only slightly increased our chances) and it was working with ONE follicle.  Patience.
9.) Are there any other tests that can be done? Dr. S = You've had them.  Other than retrieving eggs and testing them in the lab/doing IVF, there aren't any other tests to do.  


So, I'm still a mystery....but a smarter one now.  I'm still frustrated but more so at my body than anything else.  I'm still cranky, but mostly just because I'm tired of all of this, depressed that I've gained an extra 10-15 lbs, exhausted from the emotional mess I stay these days and annoyed that I haven't done more Q&A in the past.  I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I had thought to ask all of this information on the front end or at least during the past year.

Anyway, she sent us on our merry way today by telling us to take a home pregnancy test in two weeks and let them know the results.  Sure, I still wish I could go to the office and have them draw my blood and then let me know, but I'll do it the ol' fashioned way and POAS like the rest of the TTC community.  She also recommended that I start taking a different Progesterone supplement, one that doesn't cause me to look like Sponge Bob Square Pants.

And to round out this post which has turned into a seriously long novel that could have been delivered in a Trilogy (a la Matrix or Lord of the Rings), I give you (insert dramatic drumroll) my stats, measurements and a few test results.  Yep, I asked for a printout!  I'm such a big girl these days (and I don't mean because I'm chubby now)!

Baseline Ultrasound (I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS MEASURED!!!!!):  Antral Follicle Count 10-20 (read somewhere that this is "normal")

IUI Cycle #1:
Clomid 50 mg x 5 days starting CD 5
3 follicles greater than 16 mm (one was 30)
Endometrium 9mm
10k hcg given
TMC (what's this stand for exactly, I know it's the specimen that was used for insemination) 13 million
Provera 10mg started for 10 days   (this is NOT true - I didn't take Provera, ever....Thanks old clinic!)
BIG FAT NEGATIVE!

IUI Cycle #2:

Clomid 50 mg x 5 days starting CD 3

3 follicles greater than 16 mm

Endometrium 9 mm

TMC 11 million

hcg 10k given at home by hubby

E2 = 254 pg/ml (Estradiol is at a normal level)

THIS is when I started taking Prometrium 3 x's a day on CD 14 but it's not mentioned in my chart.  Thanks again old clinic!

BFN

IUI Cycle # 3:

Clomid 50 mg x 5 days starting CD 5 - I still think I was at CD 7 at this point but devil nurse insisted

3 follicles greater than 15 mm (I had already ovulated at this point though - Thank you old clinic!)

Endometrium 12 mm

hcg 10k after natural ovulation

Progesterone was 8.9 when tested (no clue what cycle day this was though)

Prometrium 3 x per day for 12 days starting CD 14

NO IUI performed, just timed intercourse (the name of which makes me think you're supposed to use a stop watch or something - makes me giggle)

BFN

IUI Cycle # 4: NEW CLINIC

Anastrazole 2 mg x 5 days starting CD 3

Endometrium 9 mm

1 follicle @ 16 mm on CD 12

No hcg given

Motile Sperm Count 39 million

Prometrium 1 x per day for 7 days before eye-bulging incident and discontinued :)

BFN

IUI Cycle # 5:

Anastrazole 2 mg x 5 days starting CD 3

Endometrium 9 mm

3 follicles - 10, 12, 14 mm on CD 12

NO hcg given

Motile Sperm Count 32 million

Progesterone supplement to be started on CD 16

results: TBD

If you hung around this long, thank you and I love you.

Shannon

To Smite or Not To Smite?

Alright, let's get this update out of the way because I've been putting it off long enough.  Obviously, I shared with you gorgeous ladies (& Doc) that our last IUI failed.  For whatever reason, even though we were hesitant at first to go forward with the IUI after how little response we got out of the Anastrazole, I managed to get myself all worked up into a tizzy thinking that little scrapper follicle of ours was going to produce the most amazing and receptive egg EVER and turn out to be our miraculous and precious lab-love-child.  It wasn't to be.  For reasons that we mortals (as usual) will never understand.  I wish I was one of the enlightened ones from time to time but apparently that dumb-founded look suits me better in His eyes?

With me, I usually only have about three days to be really sad about a failed attempt.  I take a test or have my labs done and usually start that day, sometimes before the labs are even back.  Something about those tests MUST send out the signal and here comes the Goddess of Endometrium Linings in her gorgeous red chariot (sticking w/ the Gods theme?)...  Anyway, back to me being mortally dumb-founded and sad for three days.  I usually start some type of new treatment cycle on day three or day five depending on what we're trying and so the sadness is replaced by acceptance, which is replaced by focus, which is then trumped by determination which then blossoms into hope all over again.  Rollercoaster anyone?  Six Flags has nothing on IF.  Fo' real.

So anywho, I called the RE's office to tell them my test was negative since she had me test at home (which still bothers me because I don't feel "important" enough for them to test me in their office and don't they know I need to feel catered to/pampered?  I want them to stick me and make me bleed and tell me personally that this didn't work!  For those of you that know me, you know why that sounds completely insane - I'm a swooner of the worst kind when it comes to needles, or at least I was in my pre-IF life.) and the nurse called back to let me know they were there if I needed anything and to let them know if we decided to pursue another treatment cycle.  Naturally, I jumped right on board and told her we were definitely interested in the next cycle.  I told her what Dr. S had recommended at our previous IUI (in case it failed) which was possibly combining the Anastrazole with something else or doing Clomid and injectables.  She said she'd call me back after she spoke w/ Dr. S.

She called me back and gave me the kind of news that leaves you dumber-founded for a few days and asking a ton of questions that make you look like a know-it-all and a control-freak all at the same time.  She wanted us to try the Anastrazole again.  Nothing else.  The nurse kept saying how starting injectables takes some time, you have to pre-order the meds, take a class on them, go over payment options, etc. and she kept making me feel like I had been the one to recommend we do that next.  All I had done was tell her what Dr. S told us we might try next!  So of course, I back-pedal and try to explain that I wasn't PUSHING for injectables, she had just been wondering what Dr. S might want to do so I threw out what Dr. S had told us.  Don't you HATE that feeling when someone misunderstands you and the more you try to explain it, the more ridiculous you sound?  Sometimes, well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.  Ugh.

So, I asked her why we were only doing the Anastrazole after my body didn't respond well to it.  She said because it keeps your endometrium thick (triple stripe style) and makes a good environment for the fertilized egg to implant in.  I get that.  But on Clomid, my endometrium was always thick and my former RE always seemed happy that it looked so great.  AND I produced several follicles (which obviously weren't successful, but still).  I just don't understand why we are doing this again with nothing else.  It feels like a filler month while we move on to injectables.  I produce one follie a month on my own.  That's not a problem.  My endometrium is never super thin.  That's not a problem.  So why are we doing NOTHING more aggressive than taking these stupid pills that did nothing for me!?  And then, to beat it all, she said if THIS fails, we'll move on to injectables but only after we know this fails so that's another month of ordering meds and training and blah blah blah.  I wanted to take up the Goddess's tampon shaped trident and smite the nurse through the phone I was so upset!

So, what do you think?  I mean should I have pushed for something more aggressive?  This is our 35th month of TTC.  I'm tired of being so passive.  We aren't monitored much, the nurse told me to take an OPK and once positive to schedule my IUI for the next day and I had to ask her if we could have an ultrasound on day 10 or 11 to know how well the Anastrazole was working this month.  I just feel hung out to dry or something.  Am I being too sensitive here?

I've been a good patient though and I have taken my stupid friggin Anastrazole every day like a good girl and do my best not to get more depressed about the whole situation.  Sadness hasn't really turned into acceptance which will hinder focus and determination from making an appearance and probably erase hope completely this month.   So, I've decided this mortal stuff sucks.

The Not-So-Hostile Take-Over - Hubby Style (again)

So, Rik's back with a brand new edition and honestly, he had it ready before the weekend last week but I had to post something from me before posting another one of his or else it would then be HIS blog and we just can't have that now can we?  So, here he is....again, rocking my socks off.

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There probably isn’t a perfect way to feel about things, but there are some things I’ve felt throughout the process my wife and I are going through. Sometimes, the “observation deck” from which I’m watching everything is miles away from my wife’s observation deck, so much so that we end up seeing things from entirely different viewpoints. Other times, we’re standing shoulder to shoulder (well, my elbow to her shoulder).

Point being is that I don’t always feel the obvious things about all this.  Details, for example. I don’t typically dig to deeply into them.  “Oh, you’re having an IUI? Cool.” What I take this to mean is that there is a non-surgical procedure where the doctor will use a long skinny squirt bottle to shoot my boys up inside.  Shouldn’t take 2 minutes, right?

But I don’t think about the psychological effects.  Personally, I have no problem with getting assistance to put my fellas in the best spot possible to do their job (yob).  That doesn’t feel like a failure to me, or doesn’t make me feel like any less of a man.  It’s just one step in the process.  The ends justify the means.  And that could be where my wife and I end up looking at things from different observation decks.  The means are definitely important to her, especially since she’s the one that must endure said means. 

Cramping, bleeding, swelling, discomfort.  Naturally, I don’t want my wife to suffer those things.  But, since I don’t dig into details very often, I don’t always know all of these byproducts and side/after effects of having an IUI done on you.  Now that I know, I do feel a little differently about putting my wife through that.  Actually, after the trauma of the first one, and seeing how utterly miserable she was BEFORE the procedure, and then seeing the aftermath, literally made me state, “We’re not doing another IUI” to her.

Not doing another IUI.

That took a minute to sink in…for her.

She thought I had changed my mind about us trying to get pregnant through the fertility clinic.  She thought I was pulling up anchor and heading off to deeper seas to sail around for a while.  She thought we may never have kids together.  And all I meant, really, was that if the IUI process was going to be this emotionally and physically traumatic, then I cannot ask her to go through that again…but we’d find another way to achieve our goal.

I guess my “feelings” on this stuff is that if we have no better options, then we just have to go through with it – whatever that may be.  The endo surgery, for example.  I actually did a little research on that, but never real put myself in the shoes of having to go through it.  No, I didn’t like the idea of a probe going in through her belly button, but I never thought that she might not ever wake up from that (as mentioned in my last post).  It was just a step in the path along our way.  Just grab the ball, put your head down, run hard, and keep running until you reach the end zone (um, football analogy there – just kidding – I know you know it was a football analogy). You ignore the hits and the cracking of pads (bet you though maxi pads there, didn’t you? Stick with football just a minute longer) and keep fighting through the pain to make it to the goal. Period (um, not THAT period).

I do feel some anger, though.  Angry that it wasn’t easy.  Angry that it still isn’t easy.  Angry at that damn nurse at the other clinic that really and truly seemed to ruin everything.  Angry at seeing my wife become someone else’s science project…and sad about that, too, really.

~Rik

I'm immature....but you've probably already figured that out.

**For the record, this could definitely qualify as TVT, but since it's Monday, we'll just go with it!**

So, my brother and I have an interesting relationship.  We tease each other mercilessly and can be downright ridiculous when we are together.  I realllly wish blogger would let me upload the video I have of our Minute To Win It contest....but I digress.  This weekend, I decided since he hadn't checked on me since my surgery, I'd be a stinker and get even with him for forgetting not caring about me.  I sent him a pic text of the picture the doctor gave us which showed my left ovary with all of the endometrium fluid on it and said, "I hope you never look at chocolate syrup the same way again!"  Immature?  Yes.  Unladylike? Definitely.  Disgusting? Naturally.  Super Awesome?  HECK YES!  He wrote me back hours later and said, "OMG, Shannon, that just made my knees weak."  SCORE!

Come to think of it, he never did ask me if I was ok.  Thank goodness he has a wife that takes care of... well, caring for his family.  I sent her the pic too and told her my left ovary is the one that hates mac n cheese, NOT me.  I am no longer at fault there.  She wasn't very sympathetic to that....

I've ALSO decided that it's my left ovary that doesn't like doing laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, paying bills OR exercising lately.  It was diseased people!  It's not my fault...or at least it wasn't...now I guess it will be my fault again.  Crap.  Note to self: Find some other piece of yourself to blame for the above (or lack thereof).  It seems to be a reasonable detractor of attention from the entire self.

In other news, it appears we'll probably jump right back on the ART wagon - and I don't mean the traveling Dali & Van Gogh Scratch & Dent wagon.  I'm talking Assisted Reproductive Technology!  We're going to get right back to doing our 3rd IUI (since our last one was cancelled at the old clinic b/c they missed our ovulation period).  The (new and fantastic) doc said this is a prime baby making environment so...let's do it.  Why waste another month?  We just tossed two out the window w/ the bath water by first, relying on our previous RE to do a good job and failing and second, by having to take a month off for my surgery.  I'm just hoping that the endometriosis is our last hurdle before sprinting (or waddling) towards the finish line.  Since it's about that time, I guess I'll be starting Clomid again in about a 7-10 days.  I'm ready.  Let's do this (with assistance, in a clinic, on a table, in the stirrups)!!!

Also coming up, I'm going to have my first guest blogger ever....and I hope you all are over-the-moon excited about it!  It is none other than my wonderful, fantastic, amazingly gorgeous and sensitive husband, Rik!  He is a fantastic writer and I'm hoping once he gets a little taste of this blogging biz, he'll start his own about dealing w/ infertility.  He's such an insightful person.  I'm hoping he'll have something for me to post within the next week.  Any ideas for topics or should I just give him a free pass to say whatever he wants to say (could get interesting)?  I'll leave it up to you gals & guy (love ya, Paul!).

I will close by posting my all-time favorite picture of me and my best friend in the whole wide world.  This was taken this spring when we had a few snow storms blow through and it warms my heart every time I look at this photo.  It's framed on my mantle so I see it a lot.  He's such a good boy!

Chance & Mommy

Later,

Shannon

MIA: One Year On The Mend

I've been gone from blogger land for a year.  Well, almost a year.  I'm sure all five of you darling followers missed me something terrible.  Right?  RIGHT?  Honestly, it doesn't feel that long, but it's definitely been that long.  Wow, what a year it has been....

I feel like I'm on the mend now and so I can write about it.  I am slowly, but surely gaining a little bit of the old me that I think I lost for a little while last year.  I'm definitely getting back my biting sarcasm and cobra-fast wit.  I've just had this sense of complete loss for so long, it's hard to imagine getting back to a normal state of mind.  If that's even possible.

I hate to say it, but I feel like I've had a bit of a pity party for myself these last 20 months or so.  On some levels, I really think I went a little crazy.  Not redrum crazy, but definitely "I don't care about anything" crazy.  Maybe I should have taken those meds the doctor offered me after all?

With that being said, I can definitively say that I am headed back towards the light.  I feel good about things again.  I see a little bit of promise in the little things and I am smart enough to know that it's completely out of my hands and all the things that are going a little better for me, are not due to anything that I've done.  God is good, even when (especially when) we're not deserving of it.

To update you on my situation, hubby and I are doing well.  No one ever said marriage was easy and if they did, they weren't married and they certainly weren't struggling through the world of infertility.  We've been working hard and keeping things together and it's paying off.  I see it every day.  We've been dealt a few bad cards the past two years or so, but we're doing our best to lift one another up and see this through.

(I said yes on purpose!)

We finally got pregnant, then lost the baby on my birthday, I lost my job, we lost my grandfather on my next birthday, had a few failed infertility treatments and somewhere along the way, I lost my sanity (in some ways).

The current stressor, I guess you could call it, is we cannot seem to succeed with another pregnancy.  We've had two failed IUI's, lots of meds and injections and countless problems with our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) or his nurse, rather.

She's full of completely stupid comments or inconsiderations.  Like failing to call us and give us the results of our pregnancy test after the first IUI failed (we figured it out obviously), calling us to reschedule a mandatory appointment the night before we had to be there and then forgetting to call us with a new time until 20 minutes before the appointment time at 6:40 am, never answering my questions and giving me grief about being patient any time I ask for clarification on why I'm NOT getting pregnant!  The newest comment came this morning when we were informed they "missed" my ovulation period (I told her they were off on their day count, but what do I know?).  She actually said, "Leave it to you to cause some drama in here today".   Can you believe this woman?

Needless to say, we're transferring to a new RE and hoping for luck with one or two more IUI's.  Then, I suppose it's on to adoption.  This is totally fine with both of us and we may go ahead and just do both while we get the ball rolling on adoption.  I hate starting over with someone new, but I'm so sick of dealing with an incompetent nurse.  She has made some of the most inconsiderate and ignorant comments to us.  And then there are other things that just aren't jiving.  I feel like I'm on an assembly line and they are just using a template on all their clients.  I bet they wish we'd stop hurting their numbers and get pregnant already.... haha!  Oh the sweet taste of revenge...wait, what?  :)

Well, enough of that.  That's where we are.  I wish I could say that I was full of sparkles and rainbows flew out of my tushy, but I'm not and they don't....unless I eat skittles and starburst on the same day (which rarely, if ever happens).

Hopefully, in the near future, I'll have more positive and uplifting news to share with you.  Thank you to all of you for sticking around and reading this update.  I hope each of you are finding joy for yourself in some way or another, even if it's at the expense of others.  No!  Wait, I didn't mean that, honestly.  Or did I?  :)

Until next time....Solo Pronto!

**If you know us outside of cyberspace, please don't mention our infertility struggles on Twitter, Facebook or in any other personal capacity.  This topic is not common knowledge, but since I only have 5 followers and only 2 of you are close friends, I figure I can trust you all.**