Sunday, August 22, 2010

When Did I Become So Insecure (again)!?

I'll admit that when I was in high school, dealing with a terror of a boyfriend, I was slightly (using the word loosely here) insecure.  I had zero self-esteem, saw myself with a personal self value of nil and had trouble meeting the eyes of most everyone because I was so depressed and lost in self-loathing all the time.

I dug my way out of that between the ages of 20 and 23.  If I do say so myself, I have labored and molded myself into a fairly independent female, complete with a pretty decent self-image and I would like to think of myself as 50% of the value in any given relationship.  I like me.  I think I'm a good person.  I am smart.  I am valuable to a business for my ideas and my knack for winning people over.  I am valuable to my friends because I truly care about them and I think I have a way of making most anyone feel pretty comfortable around me.  I usually do not pay much attention to those who may have a negative opinion of me or want to talk about me behind my back because I have realized that jealousy is the ultimate form of flattery.  NOT that everyone that talks about me is jealous, not by any means!  But I just try to ignore it instead of wasting energy on it.  It doesn't do any good.

So why am I a neurotic mess thinking no one likes me, everyone is talking about me and now that I have a new job, my new boss is going to can me at her first opportunity?

Yes, that's right.  I have a new job.

I am now working for a law office handling their VA clients.  It's a great opportunity with a company owned by a family who owns several other companies throughout the state.  It's a very good job and I am so thrilled to have it.  I just can't seem to relax and ENJOY the fact that I have a job again.

For those of you who have read my older posts, you'll know that I was let go from my previous employer (a very large insurance company I had been with for 7 years) in a way that really rocked my world.  I was moved under a new manager that I knew did not like me and although I did my best to avoid it, she was determined to let me go and it only took her 2.5 months to do it.  So, that seems to have knocked me down, it's only natural.  I thought I had done well in my recovery...

Then, I interviewed for a shiny new job, took some very difficult tests (and passed), aced several interviews with the CEO's and movers and shakers of the company and was offered that job.  Then the CEO had some sort of mental hiccup and when I stood up for what I knew was right, he flipped out and my first day on the job never even happened. There was no way I was going to work in an environment like that after what I went through with my previous employer!

I guess this also had some negative impacts on me that I didn't yet realize...till now.

I was offered this new job last Wednesday in the strangest way.  It literally fell into my lap.  I had told my husband via text that day that I was going to "get myself together".  Meaning, I'd get a real job instead of bar tending and working crazy hours.  I'd stop moping around the house in a dazed funk doing nothing in my jammies all day.  Then, just like that, this job is presented to me without a proper interview, no resume, nothing.  Just a quick little discussion on a balcony at sunset and I was to report for duty the next morning at 9 o'clock.   God works in the most mysterious ways sometimes...

So, I went back to bar tending that night with this intense feeling of gratitude which was almost immediately swallowed up by a HUGE monstrous feeling of fear.
"What if she talks to the Law Offices and they don't want to hire someone from their restaurant?" (yes, they own the restaurant I work at too)
"What if she thinks it over and decides she doesn't want me working for her?"
"What if they decide they can't afford me after all?"
"What if she doesn't like my personality and doesn't want me working next to her all day?"

Well, I survived the night and the next day somehow.  Yet, I still didn't tell many people I had gotten a new job.  I still haven't.  I'm terrified!  I spent the entire night Thursday worrying about one stupid decision I had made about locking or NOT locking the office door when I left because I was terrified the boss would fire me over it.  When I finally realized that I was being irrational and very paranoid, I started analyzing some things I've been feeling lately. And it hit me...

I have turned back into that completely insecure, self-loathing, scared to death teenage girl again!

I never thought that losing my job (twice in three months) would make me this crazy.  I didn't even realize it had happened until last week.  I thought I had a firm grip on who I am and what I have to offer and it infuriates me to know that I've let a few bad and completely unfair situations turn me into this person again.  I don't like feeling like this....not at all.  I want to be happy and secure and carefree again.  I want to believe in myself!  Erg.

So...please post a comment so I know you love me.  Otherwise, I may end up spending the next few nights in a sleepless fit of panic thinking I have no friends and no one wants to talk to me and I need to lose 10 pounds for you to be my friend again!

Say a prayer for me!!  I need it!!