Sunday, August 22, 2010

When Did I Become So Insecure (again)!?

I'll admit that when I was in high school, dealing with a terror of a boyfriend, I was slightly (using the word loosely here) insecure.  I had zero self-esteem, saw myself with a personal self value of nil and had trouble meeting the eyes of most everyone because I was so depressed and lost in self-loathing all the time.

I dug my way out of that between the ages of 20 and 23.  If I do say so myself, I have labored and molded myself into a fairly independent female, complete with a pretty decent self-image and I would like to think of myself as 50% of the value in any given relationship.  I like me.  I think I'm a good person.  I am smart.  I am valuable to a business for my ideas and my knack for winning people over.  I am valuable to my friends because I truly care about them and I think I have a way of making most anyone feel pretty comfortable around me.  I usually do not pay much attention to those who may have a negative opinion of me or want to talk about me behind my back because I have realized that jealousy is the ultimate form of flattery.  NOT that everyone that talks about me is jealous, not by any means!  But I just try to ignore it instead of wasting energy on it.  It doesn't do any good.

So why am I a neurotic mess thinking no one likes me, everyone is talking about me and now that I have a new job, my new boss is going to can me at her first opportunity?

Yes, that's right.  I have a new job.

I am now working for a law office handling their VA clients.  It's a great opportunity with a company owned by a family who owns several other companies throughout the state.  It's a very good job and I am so thrilled to have it.  I just can't seem to relax and ENJOY the fact that I have a job again.

For those of you who have read my older posts, you'll know that I was let go from my previous employer (a very large insurance company I had been with for 7 years) in a way that really rocked my world.  I was moved under a new manager that I knew did not like me and although I did my best to avoid it, she was determined to let me go and it only took her 2.5 months to do it.  So, that seems to have knocked me down, it's only natural.  I thought I had done well in my recovery...

Then, I interviewed for a shiny new job, took some very difficult tests (and passed), aced several interviews with the CEO's and movers and shakers of the company and was offered that job.  Then the CEO had some sort of mental hiccup and when I stood up for what I knew was right, he flipped out and my first day on the job never even happened. There was no way I was going to work in an environment like that after what I went through with my previous employer!

I guess this also had some negative impacts on me that I didn't yet realize...till now.

I was offered this new job last Wednesday in the strangest way.  It literally fell into my lap.  I had told my husband via text that day that I was going to "get myself together".  Meaning, I'd get a real job instead of bar tending and working crazy hours.  I'd stop moping around the house in a dazed funk doing nothing in my jammies all day.  Then, just like that, this job is presented to me without a proper interview, no resume, nothing.  Just a quick little discussion on a balcony at sunset and I was to report for duty the next morning at 9 o'clock.   God works in the most mysterious ways sometimes...

So, I went back to bar tending that night with this intense feeling of gratitude which was almost immediately swallowed up by a HUGE monstrous feeling of fear.
"What if she talks to the Law Offices and they don't want to hire someone from their restaurant?" (yes, they own the restaurant I work at too)
"What if she thinks it over and decides she doesn't want me working for her?"
"What if they decide they can't afford me after all?"
"What if she doesn't like my personality and doesn't want me working next to her all day?"

Well, I survived the night and the next day somehow.  Yet, I still didn't tell many people I had gotten a new job.  I still haven't.  I'm terrified!  I spent the entire night Thursday worrying about one stupid decision I had made about locking or NOT locking the office door when I left because I was terrified the boss would fire me over it.  When I finally realized that I was being irrational and very paranoid, I started analyzing some things I've been feeling lately. And it hit me...

I have turned back into that completely insecure, self-loathing, scared to death teenage girl again!

I never thought that losing my job (twice in three months) would make me this crazy.  I didn't even realize it had happened until last week.  I thought I had a firm grip on who I am and what I have to offer and it infuriates me to know that I've let a few bad and completely unfair situations turn me into this person again.  I don't like feeling like this....not at all.  I want to be happy and secure and carefree again.  I want to believe in myself!  Erg.

So...please post a comment so I know you love me.  Otherwise, I may end up spending the next few nights in a sleepless fit of panic thinking I have no friends and no one wants to talk to me and I need to lose 10 pounds for you to be my friend again!

Say a prayer for me!!  I need it!!



  1. Shannon, Shannon, Shannon. What are we going to do with you, girl? You have no reason to feel down on yourself. We both know that your being let go from our mutual employer was a load of horse manure. You did nothing wrong...and if you really want to belabour the point, I can provide you with samples of ANYONE else that is there doing the exact same thing. The second job you lost in three months, you really didn't lose, cause you never had it. Which is good, cause it wasn't meant for you. Think how much worse it would have been had you not found out that the boss was a wacko until after you had been there for a month...or a year. That wasn't your fault either. And in regards to all that other stuff about this new job, the person who offered you the position knew that you worked at the bar when she offered it, right? And do you think she would just throw out the offer if she hadn't had some idea of your personality and thought she could stomach you? :)

    The long and short of it is that you are a fun, vibrant, smart, beautiful, engaging person. And I think you know me well enough to know that if I didn't think that, I'd just not post anything at all. If you want, look at it this way. Say I have been lying to you this whole time...or just being nice, or whatever. Now, do you think that Rik is a good judge of character? Do you think that if you really had no intrinsic value that he would have been attracted to you, much less asked you to share the rest of his life? I mean, come on...Rik's a pretty smart guy too, and I don't think he'd waste his time on the kind of person you're afraid you are.

    So...that was an entirely too long way of saying, shake it off. You deserve better from yourself. And, I think things are slowing down for us a little, so we need to get together with the two of you for dinner or something. Let us know.


  2. I love you Doc...I know I'm NOT the sum of these crazy thoughts I'm having....but I'm still having them nonetheless. I am just super hopeful that I will get some of that old me back. I miss that girl! :) Having you guys around more lately has definitely helped!!! I can't thank you enough for your continued (key word) FRIENDSHIP during this past year. Good friends are so hard to come by and I love you both dearly for it. Thank you for all your kind words above. You're really good at making me cry. Love you and yes, Rik is a good judge of character. That's why he likes you so much!

  3. (to clear the air, I don't like Doc, fyi)
    Now, down to business. You really are my most favorite person in the word, Shannon, and there are probably more than just a few people who can say the same thing in regards to you. You are a one-of-a-kind chick with a huge heart and a great ability to make someone feel good about themselves. You have talents multifarious and you know how I feel about you (i.e. I'm not going to post them at length here - wait - did i just use "i.e." correclty??). You are a super wonderful girl and those two people who passed on keeping you as an employee are evil-hearted and bitter folks who probably wish they were more like you. I sure wish more people were more like you. Love you baby.

  4. Shannon Darling,

    You are stronger than you think girl. The fact that you are writing about it proves it because to me it means that you are confronting it.

    Those two job loses were out of your hands if you ask me, first Mgr was determined to let you go because she had issues, nothing else to it. And the other one? You standing up for what's right sounds more to me that you held your head high and walked out before working somewhere that could cost you your integrity. I don't see this one as being fired, what I see is a strong confident woman who didn't take crap and stood up for herself.

    You have a new job now and you are going to do wonderful, don't let other people's insecurities and judgement bring you down, easier said than done I know, but I know you can fight that old scared to death teenage girl's insecurities. I know you can.

    And totally out of no where, I love the new design =)

  5. Awww, Rik you're just too good to me. I love you for visiting my little online diary and posting a thought or two. SUPPORT!!! :)

  6. Shanny, You are too precious and sweet for words. You don't even know me well, yet it seems like we know each other very well after reading each other's blogs! I really can't thank you enough for your kind words. It always helps to have people in your corner and I love having you in mine! Now, keep those babies in the oven for another month and a half!!! :) Shannon

  7. I'm stuck in this feeling right now myself. After working in office jobs for years, I've spent the last 15 months vacillating between bartending and unemployment, and I'm so tired of it (yet honestly petrified to try and get back in the job market again). It's amazing how we can cut ourselves down, isn't it?

    For what it's worth, I've only been following you for a few hours, and I already think you're amazing. :)