It's been a few weeks since I've posted so I'm going to keep it simple by bullet pointing what's been going on with us. I said simple, not brief.
- We did injections last month. We were super excited about that because we were hoping to get more aggressive with our approach since we have a cutoff date in mind. We went in for our scan and had ONE follicle. I was really floored. I'd been expecting 2-4 so that we would have a better chance at conceiving. No such luck. It's frustrating when you spend that much money and anxiety over something and it doesn't do what you hoped it would do. Then again, that's the chance you take with this mess. We went forward with the IUI because the doc said if money wasn't an issue, they'd recommend it because it does improve your chances even w/ one follie. We decided to pretend money wasn't an issue. :) Isn't money always an issue when you're going through fertility treatments? It's friggin' expensive! If you didn't have a tight budget before treatments, you do now. Anyway, we found out a few weeks ago the IUI wasn't successful.
- I had a long talk w/ my RE that day and asked her if we could go back to Clomid for one month because it was obvious to me that Anastrazole wasn't going to work and I wanted to wait another month before doing another round of injections. They want to double my dosage of Bravelle in hopes for more follicles so from a cost standpoint, we wanted to wait a month. Dr. S thought Clomid was a good plan since I had consistently ended up with 2-3 follicles per cycle on Clomid. The whole reason she put me on Anastrazole was to keep my lining from thinning out but I was still averaging between 9-12 mm (same as on Clomid) so I didn't really see any progression, we actually saw the opposite b/c we saw less follicles, same lining - go figure. She doubled my Clomid dose and I started that on CD3. She said we were going to start pushing the envelope. I kind of wondered why we weren't pushing said envelope a little sooner than this, but I decided some things are better left unsaid.
- On CD4 I developed a massive headache that ended up becoming a really wretched migraine that lasted for five days. I was miserable, but it was worth it. At my scan on Sunday, we got the good news that we had a total of four follicles. 11, 12, 16, 21 mm. Lining was 7 mm, lower than usual. What's crazy is that she said that was still "a-ok" and she was only concerned if it was 5 or below. (Which made me wonder why she ever took me off Clomid in the first place!!?!?) We triggered Monday morning, had our IUI yesterday morning and I came home and rested the WHOLE day just to encourage everything to stay where it needed to stay. Oh, and Rik crossed the finish line strong with 30 million on IUI day so this month is looking good for all intents and purposes! We'll see what happens. Please pray for us as we only have two months left to conceive and then we're moving on. That's not written in stone or anything, but....that's where we're at currently.
- Time is just flying by these days. Friends of ours that started trying to have children after we started this journey are now having baby #2 in a few months. I'm really happy for them, it's just crazy how long we've been going through all of this (and I know it's nothing compared to some of the other stories we've heard!)...and we still aren't there yet. I was thinking today that while I long to have a baby and want us to have a family of our own, it's not something that even seems like a possible reality to me anymore. It just seems impossible that we will ever have a three part family, baby stuff laying around our living room, bottles in the cabinets, toys (not of the dog variety) all over the place or a nursery. Those just do not seem like attainable dreams any more. They are just dreams it seems and sometimes, that's difficult to get past. It makes me think more and more we're wasting our time, even though I know we may NOT be. Does this even make sense? I'm not down, or sad or anything right now, it's just something that was on my mind today. I just don't feel in my heart like we will EVER have a child. The thought of it seems preposterous. I could almost see us going to the moon on a hover craft before I could imagine us taking our own child to the playground for an afternoon. But, I guess we'll see. Hope leaves and then comes back in the same minute these days...which leads me to my next point...
- We're going to an adoption education class next Tuesday. I was really pumped about this but now I'm a little leery. I don't know if it's because I'm so hopeful this month is "our month" (see, hope has re-entered the program) or if it's because of my feelings noted in the previous bullet point. It just seems like even if we went down that path, something would still happen to where we never succeeded (aaaand hope exits stage right). I'm downright scared of that being the case. I don't know what we'll learn or what we'll decide but hopefully, it's informative and I come away from it with a sense of peace. I'm just scared of getting hurt by that process too. I think some of these feelings are also a bit of a defense mechanism I'm throwing up to protect my heart a little....maybe.
- In other great news, a good friend of mine found out she's pregnant after trying to conceive for quite a while. It's still early for them but I am so excited for her. It's such a warm feeling to see someone who has gone through a lot of the same struggles we have gone through finally get the great news they've been hoping, waiting and praying for. They are very special people and will make amazing parents. I couldn't be happier for them!
- Rik's the new head coach of a high school baseball team here in town. They've been conditioning for months and finally got started with tryouts and practices in the past few weeks. The team had their first scrimmage game this weekend and I have to admit, I was SO proud of my husband. Seeing him out there in his uniform, talking to the kids, working so hard on the field, working with the parents, making a difference for some of these guys....it was just a great thing to see. All of his hard work has paid off and I am so happy for him. Baseball has been such a huge part of his life, it's heartwarming to see him stepping from the role of player to coach and thriving in that role. The kids love him and the parents and faculty members can't say enough good things about his efforts so far. Did I mention I'm proud of him? :)
- I went to watch my nephew, Matthew, play soccer last Friday night. It's his first year of high school soccer and it's much more competitive and aggressive than the rec league or middle school soccer he is accustomed to. He did great! I sat in the stands, cheering against my old high school (weird!) and laughed myself silly over my niece and her crazy sense of humor. Mallory's 11 years old and like Rik said last night, you never know what she's going to say or do next and it's adorably entertaining. I honestly just LOVE being around her. For about 20 minutes, she spoke with a British accent telling us stories about her classmates at school, then she was imitating how a girl on her softball team runs (imagine swinging your arms back and forth very quickly while you're flapping like a chicken) in front of everyone without the slightest bit of embarrassment. She's hilarious! My mom and stepdad came out too and we all had a great time. Owen (nephew #2) wasn't as interested in hanging out with us since he had a friend with him but that's ok...I remember being 13 and being way too cool. It was such a great night just being with my family and it still warms my heart to think about it. I love them all so much.
- Mallory invited me to come to her "Parent Shadow" day at her school yesterday (isn't that precious?) and we had a great time. I went to lunch with her and then joined her in her 4th period class. I absolutely loved it! I felt honored she would ask me to go and be her stand-in Mom. She has an amazing step-mom but it feels great to know she still loves her Aunt Shae Shae now and then. :)
Ok, enough for now. If you're still hanging around, here's a picture or two as a pay-off.
Someone in Altoid's market department never battled infertily.
This is my Mallory. Proof of her insane personality that is such a joy to be around!
Matthew, Me and Mallory being our normal selves while Dad drove us around town last month.
Owen resting his beautiful eyes while we finished up our shopping. Did I mention my brother makes beautiful kids?
Maddox (adopted nephew) was my date two Friday's ago. He had raspberry sherbert! We had so much fun!
Mallory and Chloe at Parent Shadow Day yesterday! You can see how "snaggly" Mallory is in this picture. She usually won't smile because she hates having snaggle teef.