I feel like I'm on the mend now and so I can write about it. I am slowly, but surely gaining a little bit of the old me that I think I lost for a little while last year. I'm definitely getting back my biting sarcasm and cobra-fast wit. I've just had this sense of complete loss for so long, it's hard to imagine getting back to a normal state of mind. If that's even possible.
I hate to say it, but I feel like I've had a bit of a pity party for myself these last 20 months or so. On some levels, I really think I went a little crazy. Not redrum crazy, but definitely "I don't care about anything" crazy. Maybe I should have taken those meds the doctor offered me after all?
With that being said, I can definitively say that I am headed back towards the light. I feel good about things again. I see a little bit of promise in the little things and I am smart enough to know that it's completely out of my hands and all the things that are going a little better for me, are not due to anything that I've done. God is good, even when (especially when) we're not deserving of it.
To update you on my situation, hubby and I are doing well. No one ever said marriage was easy and if they did, they weren't married and they certainly weren't struggling through the world of infertility. We've been working hard and keeping things together and it's paying off. I see it every day. We've been dealt a few bad cards the past two years or so, but we're doing our best to lift one another up and see this through.
(I said yes on purpose!)
We finally got pregnant, then lost the baby on my birthday, I lost my job, we lost my grandfather on my next birthday, had a few failed infertility treatments and somewhere along the way, I lost my sanity (in some ways).
The current stressor, I guess you could call it, is we cannot seem to succeed with another pregnancy. We've had two failed IUI's, lots of meds and injections and countless problems with our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) or his nurse, rather.
She's full of completely stupid comments or inconsiderations. Like failing to call us and give us the results of our pregnancy test after the first IUI failed (we figured it out obviously), calling us to reschedule a mandatory appointment the night before we had to be there and then forgetting to call us with a new time until 20 minutes before the appointment time at 6:40 am, never answering my questions and giving me grief about being patient any time I ask for clarification on why I'm NOT getting pregnant! The newest comment came this morning when we were informed they "missed" my ovulation period (I told her they were off on their day count, but what do I know?). She actually said, "Leave it to you to cause some drama in here today". Can you believe this woman?
Needless to say, we're transferring to a new RE and hoping for luck with one or two more IUI's. Then, I suppose it's on to adoption. This is totally fine with both of us and we may go ahead and just do both while we get the ball rolling on adoption. I hate starting over with someone new, but I'm so sick of dealing with an incompetent nurse. She has made some of the most inconsiderate and ignorant comments to us. And then there are other things that just aren't jiving. I feel like I'm on an assembly line and they are just using a template on all their clients. I bet they wish we'd stop hurting their numbers and get pregnant already.... haha! Oh the sweet taste of revenge...wait, what? :)
Well, enough of that. That's where we are. I wish I could say that I was full of sparkles and rainbows flew out of my tushy, but I'm not and they don't....unless I eat skittles and starburst on the same day (which rarely, if ever happens).
Hopefully, in the near future, I'll have more positive and uplifting news to share with you. Thank you to all of you for sticking around and reading this update. I hope each of you are finding joy for yourself in some way or another, even if it's at the expense of others. No! Wait, I didn't mean that, honestly. Or did I? :)
Until next time....Solo Pronto!
**If you know us outside of cyberspace, please don't mention our infertility struggles on Twitter, Facebook or in any other personal capacity. This topic is not common knowledge, but since I only have 5 followers and only 2 of you are close friends, I figure I can trust you all.**