Wednesday, November 23, 2011

To Smite or Not To Smite?

Alright, let's get this update out of the way because I've been putting it off long enough.  Obviously, I shared with you gorgeous ladies (& Doc) that our last IUI failed.  For whatever reason, even though we were hesitant at first to go forward with the IUI after how little response we got out of the Anastrazole, I managed to get myself all worked up into a tizzy thinking that little scrapper follicle of ours was going to produce the most amazing and receptive egg EVER and turn out to be our miraculous and precious lab-love-child.  It wasn't to be.  For reasons that we mortals (as usual) will never understand.  I wish I was one of the enlightened ones from time to time but apparently that dumb-founded look suits me better in His eyes?

With me, I usually only have about three days to be really sad about a failed attempt.  I take a test or have my labs done and usually start that day, sometimes before the labs are even back.  Something about those tests MUST send out the signal and here comes the Goddess of Endometrium Linings in her gorgeous red chariot (sticking w/ the Gods theme?)...  Anyway, back to me being mortally dumb-founded and sad for three days.  I usually start some type of new treatment cycle on day three or day five depending on what we're trying and so the sadness is replaced by acceptance, which is replaced by focus, which is then trumped by determination which then blossoms into hope all over again.  Rollercoaster anyone?  Six Flags has nothing on IF.  Fo' real.

So anywho, I called the RE's office to tell them my test was negative since she had me test at home (which still bothers me because I don't feel "important" enough for them to test me in their office and don't they know I need to feel catered to/pampered?  I want them to stick me and make me bleed and tell me personally that this didn't work!  For those of you that know me, you know why that sounds completely insane - I'm a swooner of the worst kind when it comes to needles, or at least I was in my pre-IF life.) and the nurse called back to let me know they were there if I needed anything and to let them know if we decided to pursue another treatment cycle.  Naturally, I jumped right on board and told her we were definitely interested in the next cycle.  I told her what Dr. S had recommended at our previous IUI (in case it failed) which was possibly combining the Anastrazole with something else or doing Clomid and injectables.  She said she'd call me back after she spoke w/ Dr. S.

She called me back and gave me the kind of news that leaves you dumber-founded for a few days and asking a ton of questions that make you look like a know-it-all and a control-freak all at the same time.  She wanted us to try the Anastrazole again.  Nothing else.  The nurse kept saying how starting injectables takes some time, you have to pre-order the meds, take a class on them, go over payment options, etc. and she kept making me feel like I had been the one to recommend we do that next.  All I had done was tell her what Dr. S told us we might try next!  So of course, I back-pedal and try to explain that I wasn't PUSHING for injectables, she had just been wondering what Dr. S might want to do so I threw out what Dr. S had told us.  Don't you HATE that feeling when someone misunderstands you and the more you try to explain it, the more ridiculous you sound?  Sometimes, well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.  Ugh.

So, I asked her why we were only doing the Anastrazole after my body didn't respond well to it.  She said because it keeps your endometrium thick (triple stripe style) and makes a good environment for the fertilized egg to implant in.  I get that.  But on Clomid, my endometrium was always thick and my former RE always seemed happy that it looked so great.  AND I produced several follicles (which obviously weren't successful, but still).  I just don't understand why we are doing this again with nothing else.  It feels like a filler month while we move on to injectables.  I produce one follie a month on my own.  That's not a problem.  My endometrium is never super thin.  That's not a problem.  So why are we doing NOTHING more aggressive than taking these stupid pills that did nothing for me!?  And then, to beat it all, she said if THIS fails, we'll move on to injectables but only after we know this fails so that's another month of ordering meds and training and blah blah blah.  I wanted to take up the Goddess's tampon shaped trident and smite the nurse through the phone I was so upset!

So, what do you think?  I mean should I have pushed for something more aggressive?  This is our 35th month of TTC.  I'm tired of being so passive.  We aren't monitored much, the nurse told me to take an OPK and once positive to schedule my IUI for the next day and I had to ask her if we could have an ultrasound on day 10 or 11 to know how well the Anastrazole was working this month.  I just feel hung out to dry or something.  Am I being too sensitive here?

I've been a good patient though and I have taken my stupid friggin Anastrazole every day like a good girl and do my best not to get more depressed about the whole situation.  Sadness hasn't really turned into acceptance which will hinder focus and determination from making an appearance and probably erase hope completely this month.   So, I've decided this mortal stuff sucks.


  1. Oh hell no. Here is my opinion. I think you should go ahead and abide by the "try one more month" thing as they ask because she's right, it is too late to start injectables this month, but I would make an ASAP appointment with the actual doctor where you can sit down and talk. There is no reason that you can't have those injectable meds ordered and ready to go for the following month (although I'm hoping you don't need them). I get super pissed when I hit a nurse road block and I have gotten very good about going right around them to get to the man behind the curtain (so to speak). If what she is telling you feels wrong to you I think you should march your pretty little red head in to that office and get the answers you need to feel good. Whew...that got me fired up!

    I don't think the nurses do it on purpose, but they see so many people that they have a tendancy to want to stick to the script sometimes. You should have your own roadmap and plan for your treatments.

    If I don't talk to you before then, Have an awesome Thanksgiving!

  2. I guess the only advice I can give is what I would do in your situation. I think I would try injectibles with your next try. It is more aggressive and trust me (I HATE needles!) so when it came time for us to try it I was cringing at the thought! But I knew that we had to step up our game. Before injectibles I just kept pumping myself full of Clomid or Femara and it was just month after month of BFN's. My body needed something extra! I just want this to be over for you soon with your take home baby in your belly! :)

  3. Okay, that nurse is a Drama Queen. Seriously. Our doc said to hell with the other stuff, let's just go straight to the injectibles after 12 months of trying. Our 'class' was 30 minutes iwth a nurse on how to do the injection. The ordering, shit, they send in the script and you get the shit a day or two later. I'm not sure why she made it out to be this huge deal, its really not. Its too late this cycle but let it be known, next cycle its game on.

  4. Okay, first off, don't count this cycle out. Your body really can react differently/better to the same protocol with subsequent cycles, so hopefully an anastrazole/IUI cycle WILL work for you this time even if it didn't last time. One never knows. I mean, even if things are PERFECT and you have no IF issues, they say the average success rate of any given TTC cycle is 20-25%. That is LOW. Patience is one of the hardest virtues to continue to have while dealing with IF. Good luck with that. :)

    On the flip side, I'd definitely say that you need to talk directly to the RE. Discussing payment options takes, what, a few minutes? Take the injectibles class NOW during this cycle (btw, I never took a class - I wonder if that's actually required? It's pretty damn easy, even though it sucks to shoot yourself up.). And depending on where you live and what protocol the RE had you one, you wouldn't need that much lead time to order the injectible meds. I did clomid CD5-9 and started injectibles on CD9, so I had 9 days to order in meds, which was plenty of time. Don't let the nurse's stupid road blocks get in your way!

    Hopefully that whole last paragraph is moot anyway b/c you get a BFp from this cycle!

  5. Oh, I so know the cyclical moods with medicated cycles and IUI's. I did 4 months of medicated timed cycles and 2 IUI's, so six cycles back to back. I knew for sure in my case that the IUI's just weren't cutting it for me anymore, so I stopped doing them so I wouldn't drain what little insurance I had (I wanted to keep that for IVF). We did talk about doing an IUI with Femara (which is like clomid without the lining being thinned) and injectables, but I'm glad I went right to IVF to get my answers. My RE says "Be as aggressive as you feel comfortable with" in terms of fertility. Sounds like you are definitely ready to be more aggressive and I would definitely push for it next time and make sure your they order your meds! The squeaky wheel gets oiled and don't feel bad about micromanaging the RE's office. :) They have made many mistakes that I have caught. The sooner we decide to be more aggressive with our therapies, the sooner we get our BFP! Don't count this cycle out though!

    My RE said that eventutally I would get pregnant doing medicated cycles with IUI (I don't ovulate on my own), but we are selecting eggs slowly, and I haven't had any that will stick yet. In my reserves I do have some good ones (I believe), but when we are only getting 1-2 per month, it might take years. For me, I wanted to do IVF to increase the chances of finding those good eggs sooner.

    That ended up being quite a long comment. Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for following my blog. :)

  6. Clarification, I wasn't saying that you should move onto IVF, I was saying that this medicated IUI cycle of yours could be THE ONE! You just have to keep at it until you get that perfect egg, and it's right around the corner. And if it's not this cycle, definitely move on to injections! I have to read up on your diagnosis as I am new to your blog. :)

  7. I would be calling back and getting my injectibles, that is BS! I would not be doing the same thing again if it didn't work the firs time, NOPE.. I would call and ask to speak directly to the RE and let him explain why he wants to rinse and repeat after saying next time we will do injectibles, it's your money. My old RE tried to push single embryo transfer on me and I felt compelled to agree. Then I called back and said NO and have him call me. I explained that it was my money and I felt like I was being bullied.. He said "All I can do is make a suggestion, ultimately it's YOUR decision, that is what the standard of care says, we cannot force you to do anything" Once I heard those words, it was ON. Now I suggest what i want and if we aren't on the same page it changes to my page since it's my money.. I figure it's kinda like whoever has the biggest car wins type of thing when aggressively driving.. BEST OF LUCK!!

  8. These other ladies are way smarter than me, so listen to them. Me= hugs for support and rooting for your follies!

  9. Aw man. I read your post and had a big comment coming, but then everyone else went and stole my thunder making every single point I had to make. Instead, I'll send a virtual hug and let you know I'm here cheering you on!