Ever since we started this fight of ours with infertility, I've read posts by so many of you announcing the arrival of your newborn after years of fighting and hoping for one. I've read posts about finding out your pregnant and getting to tell your husband and it's always made me wonder, "How would I tell Rik?" or "How would I tell everyone we finally got what our hearts have been dying for month after month, year after year?" or, "How would I post it on my blog? Would I be funny? Straight to the point?"
Well, I've thought long and hard about it and I don't think I need to get all creative or insane about it.... We're pregnant. It worked. We are going to have a baby. In November!
*Let that sink in a moment*
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!!??!?!?!?
Goodness....The amount of gratitude I feel can't be measured, the fear I feel in my heart can't be put into words, the joy I feel humming under my skin every day can't be described. It's like I'm living in a dream. If I am, I don't want to wake up. Not ever.
I never truly let myself believe that this could ever really happen for us. It never truly seemed like a possibility for some reason. Now, I'm afraid to even talk about it too much. It's like someone made a mistake and gave us someone else's blessing and if we talk about it, someone might figure it out and rectify the situation. Crazy, I know.....but it is what it is. We're going to be parents. Scared, excited, clumsy parents. This poor child is in for a treat. We're already a mess and it's only two months in.
I am ten weeks along. Ten terrifying weeks, I might add. We've had several scares and some of you can relate to them. Spotting, pain, the works. I have partial placenta previa which has caused quite a bit of spotting and such. We just found that out last Monday during our first real prenatal visit with our regular OB. It was rather unplanned and they squeezed us in so it was short and sweet and to the point. "Check the baby, check the mama (me!) and we'll see you in two weeks for the real visit". The baby is doing great. Measuring perfectly every time we've had an ultrasound (three already) and the heart rate was excellent the last time she checked (187 bpm). The PPP is expected to move up/out of the way in the coming months so let's all keep those prayers coming and fingers crossed that it does. My OB, we'll call her Dr. Copper, told me not to even research it because she doesn't want me scaring myself to death unnecessarily so I've been mostly good. Let's just hope it corrects itself and all the bleeding ceases completely. It's been gone a few days so that's great. Who knew TP could be scarier than watching any horror film you've ever seen?
We graduated from the fertility clinic 2 weeks ago and I have to say, it was pretty bittersweet. The whole office came out to hug me and several ladies cried. When I went in for my first hcg level test, the whole front office staff w/ the nurses called me on speaker phone to tell me the results were 98.4 and they wanted them to be at 50 or above. They were so excited for us. I miss them all so much already.
Rik is over the moon. I'm sure he won't mind me telling you that he got a bit emotional when we heard the heartbeat for the first time. It was very unexpected and we both jumped because the doctor didn't even give us a warning, he just flipped on the speakers in mid-sentence. It was pretty crazy. It was unreal to know our baby had a heartbeat and it was only the size of an orange seed. God's wonderful miracle, for sure. We're both in love with that sound. Rik will just randomly start making the noise walking through the house and it makes me smile one of those smiles that I haven't smiled in such a long time. I feel real happiness again. I never thought I'd find that feeling again. It brings tears to my eyes now just thinking about it!
We've told many of our closest friends and family at this point so I felt better about sharing it online with all of you lovely ladies (and Doc - but you already know). I was a little concerned about the placenta previa issue, but honestly, the doctor said she sees us at a 5% (or lower) threatened miscarriage rate at this point, so I decided it was time to share our beautiful news. Six weeks is a long time to keep this quiet. If you know me IRL, you know what I'm talking about here. I LOVE good news and I love surprises.
With all that being said, I must say that I still HURTING over this post (isn't that insane?) because I know so many of you out there are still hoping, praying and waiting. It kills me every time I think of it. You are the ones that understood how I felt when I heard someone else was pregnant, what it feels like to skip a baby shower to avoid an embarrassing melt down, how you can be so happy for someone but dying inside at the same time, etc. It's weird being the one with the news after all this time. There shouldn't be guilt, but there is. Infertility at its best, I know. Infertility has taken so much from most of us out here and I hate it that it's even taken some of my joy over sharing this news openly. I know you'll all be happy for me, I know that, but I want you to know that if you're still waiting and hoping, I am praying for you. It's not much to say, but it's what I've got. I had all but given up hope that we'd ever have a family, biological or otherwise. God decided it was time. I don't know why now, I don't know why me, but I will thank Him every day for allowing this.
Say a prayer for us if you pray. If you don't pray, we'll take lots of positive thoughts and energy as we continue down this new path to meeting our baby. I am smiling sitting here reading that because it just seems so unreal. Me? Pregnant? With a baby?! Thank you Lord for your beautiful blessing! I will be welcoming all kinds of advice in the coming months on topics including but not limited to:
- Breast feeding
- Cloth Diapers
- Cures for nausea
- Things you can/can't live without
- Baby names
- L&D tips
If you're still with me, thank you and I can't wait to share more of this journey with you. More to come....