Monday, April 23, 2012

My body & brain are on overload.....

Let's be real here....  I'm pregnant.  That one word STILL fills me full of every emotion you can imagine. Fear, envy, hope, joy, excitement, happiness, sadness, guilt.  Goodness.  Once an infertile, always an infertile.  I am so conscious of the suffering involved with infertility that I cannot let loose and just BE pregnant.  I can't just blog freely about how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing because there are CLOSE friends of mine that are struggling with the loss, the longing and the heartache of infertility that read this blog and because I LOVE them, I hesitate to share certain things already.  I hate the thought of adding to their hurt.  That's where the guilt comes in.  Why us?  Why were we blessed with this when others have been waiting longer, hoping longer.  I will never have those answers.  I hate infertility for all of us.  For those of us who are scared to enjoy what we've always longed for and for those of us who are still waiting and praying.

With that being said, I've prayed about this issue of mine and thought about it and I don't want to shortchange this experience because I have wanted this and waited for this and prayed and hoped and longed for this to happen for us.  I want to share my happiness with all of you because Rik and I deserve it and our baby deserves to be celebrated.  I can't even believe I get to say those words.  This is a BLESSING from God.  It was our time.  For whatever reason, He gave life to this dream and I will continue to give Him praise for it.  So, I am going to find a happy medium for now.  I will give you the information I feel I should share and say that I am sorry if any of it causes any of you any more pain.  I am ever-so-hopeful that you can be happy for us and that you can find hope in our story too.   I know I found hope and happiness through the blogs I have read these past two years.   Maybe now, we can pay it forward a little too.

If you're still reading after all that word vomit (it's not even Thursday!), here is what I have to say about this whole situation.  Pregnancy is NOT glamorous.  Anyone who says it is, is a bold-faced liar.  I said I'd never complain.  I prayed and bargained, "God, you can make me sick as a dog for 9 (10) months and I'll never complain, whimper or ask for it to stop!  I'll take it with a huge smile on my face!"  What an idiot I am.  I didn't whine or whimper for several weeks.  I did a good job reminding myself of my deal with God any time I got close to complaining and would even throw out a, "but I'm not complaining!" just to be sure my comment I made wasn't misinterpreted as a complaint.  See how that works?  Well, slowly, the disclaimer fell off and my voice got a little higher pitched and before I knew what had hit me, I was in full crybaby mode.  Poor hubby.

Here's what's been going down....

Tired?  Understatement of the freakin year.  People should never use that word to describe how you feel during these first weeks.  It's not TIRED.  It's exhaustion.  Pure and simple.  (All you mommies out there feel free to tell me I have no idea what I'm talking about, I'll agree with you wholeheartedly!)  By nine am, I am yawning, bobbing my head, rubbing my eyes and doing every thing I can to stay awake.  I can't concentrate or focus, I can't form sentences that make any type of sense, I lose my train of thought mid-sentence, I repeat myself (the latest one was, "Freeman hit a home run last night last night" - how does that even happen!?) and I put things in places they don't belong (salt in the fridge and stuff).

Nausea is hit or miss with me these days but for a few weeks, it was pretty brutal.  I won't complain though (see how that works?) because I could have had it SO much worse (and still might).  My friend April gave me these sea bands and they have actually worked for me.  They are made for motion sickness and you wear them around your wrists.  I had heard mixed reviews, but so far, no pukey pukey since she gave them to me last weekend.  I will say though that when I'm starving (all the time) and nauseous at the same time but can't eat a bite, I have a bit of a grumpy side.  Thank goodness I have a husband that has been willing to go to Mc.Donalds to grab me chicken nuggets after a long day of starving and nibbling and gagging just so that I could get to sleep.  (Sure, it's not nutritious but it was the ONLY thing I could even think about putting in my mouth without dry heaving that night!)  He also may have wanted away from my comments (not complaints).

Walnut sized bladder.  Wow.  I got up to pee 7 times during the night one night last week.  How is that even possible?  The baby is the size of my thumb, my uterus is the size of a large grapefruit.  HOW is that making me go pee-pee like I drank 3 gallons of tea before bedtime?  It's crazy.  This is one I don't really mind so much except that after I get up around 4, it's really hard for me to go back to sleep. I guess it's practice for once we actually have a baby in our house....which still seems unimaginable.

The only constant these past 3-4 weeks though has been sciatic nerve pain.  I never even knew that was possible.  I heard back pain was common later in pregnancy, but why right now?  I don't understand it at all.  My left leg feels like it's just going to fall right off sometimes and I swear I have slipped a vertebra out of place or something every time I tie my shoe or pick something up.   Has anyone ever gone to a chiropractor while pregnant?  How's that work exactly?

Well, these are my symptoms so far.  I don't really have a BUMP per se yet but I'm definitely a little wider and my lower abdomen has this little hard spot in it.  I can feel it best in the morning when I first wake up.  Rik can tell a difference too and so far, he's said he thinks it's pretty cute.  We'll see if that thought continues as I expand.  :)  We decided we would go ahead and do the baby bump pics after all. I was very hesitant about those, but I love looking at everyone else's so who am I to deny you that pleasure if you want to check out my chunk of love?  I just have to find an outfit that I think I'll be able to fit into for 7 more months.

Thank you for all the comments and well-wishes I've received out here.  They mean so much to me.  It's so wonderful having had your support all this time and I genuinely appreciate you more than you know.  Keep us in your prayers today as tomorrow is our scan to see how the baby is progressing and if the placenta previa has gotten any better.  I'll try to update you again tomorrow after we see the little scrip scrap!  Hugs to you all!


  1. I know that internal struggle of sharing and hurting some, but you are so right. We have WAITED and WAITED for this ourselves, anyone still fighting that really cared about us wouldn't want us not to document, not to be happy for our blessings/miracles.
    I am so happy for you and it sounds like everything is right on track! Even that sciatic pain-a few of my friends had it in the beginning (and then felt okay in the middle and end). Make sure you are walking and stretching!

  2. You should totally go to the chiro while pregnant!! They handle preggos all the time and know just what to do and not to do. My chiro even does acupuncture as well and that can be awesome for pregnant ladies as well.

    I am so glad you feel like sharing because I definitely feel like reading! :) We all feel that way at first, but you are so right, it is YOUR TIME to be excited, happy, in love, and even complain because you're right - sometimes pregnancy does suck! While it is always good to be considerate of others' feelings, don't let it take away from your JOY!

  3. Chiropractor appointments SAVED me while pregnant. Definitely go. Once your belly is bigger, the chiro should just be able to drop the center section of the table to accommodate it. My chiro was great at helping with sciatic pain and hip pain (I was there the day before I gave birth and 4 days after, if that gives you an idea of how comfortable I was with going).

    Do not feel bad about not loving every minute of pregnancy. I honestly don't get why IFers think that after suffering (mostly) in silence to get pregnant that they should have to suffer (mostly) in silence while pregnant too. I was SO nauseous and tired the first 15 weeks (puking all day, every day) that I couldn't work and couldn't function. Of course I was grateful to be pregnant, but that didn't mean I was going to write on my blog that pregnancy was all rainbows and unicorns!

  4. One thing I've learned and tried to embrace is that my blessing didn't cause someone else's loss or heartache. I LOVE having my blog to look back on to see what was going on throughout my pregnancy. It was definitely an adjustment getting to write about it, but I also didn't have anyone I knew IRL reading. You might lose some followers, but that's OK. Those of us that are in the right place to support a fellow IF'er through her pregnancy will be here to cheer you on! If it's not the right time for others to follow along, I'm sure they wish you well on your journey.

  5. my belly swelling