I'm still here....taking up more space than usual.

Hey everyone.  Sorry I've been missing in action lately.  We had family in town, lots of Christmas dinners, then my birthday, then New Year's and honestly, it's taken me a week or so to fully recover.  My last post was full of anger, self-pity and sadness.  I'm feeling better today.  I have a better perspective and I'm doing what I can to keep the shadows at bay.  So far, so good.

While I was feeling sorry for myself, one of my favorite bloggers received some very sad and disappointing news over Christmas and it breaks my heart for her.  If you're the praying type, please send up a few prayers for her and her husband.  They need mercy and peace and at least some level of understanding bestowed upon them and even with these things in abundance, their hearts are going to take a long time to heal.

As far as my situation goes, we had another setback this past cycle.  The Anastrazole decided to hate me again and we produced only one follicle and Dr. S felt we should cancel the IUI we had planned and work with "timed intercourse" instead.  We were both pretty disappointed to say the least.  Then she went back to the ol' "next month we'll try injections" scenario (I feel like I'm riding on a gigantic yo-yo sometimes with this injection topic with her).  I just don't understand why we're not going back with Clomid which gave us the desired response on all levels.  I'm averaging the same thickness of my endometrium on Anastrazole as I did with Clomid so I don't get why we can't just stick with that since I was responding so well to it.  Oh well, I'm just the patient.  I'll do whatever will give us the best chance.

Which leads me to my next bit of information.  I think we're pretty close to being done.  Done with trying for a biological child.  Both of us go back and forth on the subject but I think that just indicates we're getting closer to giving up.  Sometimes, Rik is the one saying he's just tired of seeing us go through the emotional stuff.  Then it's me saying I'm tired of it.  We just both never seem to be tired of it at the same time.  :)  So for now, we've decided we're going to give it through April and then move on.  We may change our minds once April gets here and the panic sets in and reality hits us, but for now, that's where we are.  Realizing you will never have a biological child is going to be a hard pill to swallow.  Some of you have already taken that pill and are making it through each day somehow.  Some of you continued to battle through this infertility business and it paid off.

The doctor thinks we may have a fertilization issue which could only be corrected by IVF.  That's not something either of us want to do or try.  If I'm going to spend that kind of money, I want to bet on a sure thing.  Then again, I know adoption is never a sure thing...I'm learning that more and more the more people I meet and talk to about it.  I just can't imagine spending $20k on IVF and having it fail when I could spend a little more than that and have a better chance of bringing home a child that needs a family like ours just as much as we need it.  I won't love the child any less.  And when I think of all the children that would give anything to be loved and care for by a mom and a dad, it just seems wrong (for ME) to put my need for a biological child above that.  I don't think it's wrong for everyone, I just feel in my heart that it would be wrong for me.  It's very likely that by March or April I will feel very differently, but for now...that's where I'm sitting.  Who knows what will happen when we're actually facing that decision and have to make a choice to continue or make ourselves Plan B for a child whose Plan A fell through?

Sidenote of sorts....One of my former co-workers just picked up her daughter in China after waiting for SEVEN years for her.  In the meantime, she adopted one little boy domestically and managed to have a surprise pregnancy of her own as well.  It tugs on my heartstrings more than I can say to realize that even though she was born in their hearts as their first child, she was the last one to physically join their family.  Seven years.....wow.  She is a beautiful little girl and I'm sure they would do it all over again in a minute.

I am going to adoption retreat in Buford, Georgia at the end of this month with one of my blogger (and IRL) friends, Jennifer over at A Journey of Babysteps.  I'm excited, but very nervous because the retreat will be full of women already in the process of adopting and women who actually have already adopted. I am hoping that there are some women like me who know very little about the process but are interested in learning as much as they can about it.  Hopefully, it won't all be over my head.

Now, I'm going to spend a while going through all your blogs and checking up on each of you.  I'm sorry I've not been here for you these past few weeks.  I'm ashamed of myself for wallowing in this tarpit of emotions - I'll do better in the future and hopefully, none of you will have to check in on me to make sure I'm still alive.  :)  Love to you all.

Shannon