Chiropractor....I love you.

So, I am sitting here at the chiropractors office waiting to get cracked.  It's been a help so far, I have to say.  I was miserable two weeks ago! The guy I see is a specialist in maternity adjustments (no idea what that's called). He even has a funny table with a place for the belly to pop down in. :) 

I am 14 weeks today. I can't believe it!  We find out the gender next Tues.  I am so excited! What do you think? Boy? Girl?

Quick pic. Promise I will write soon!

It's been bananas around here so I haven't had time to write! However, here is a pic of my stinker as he/she was one week ago.

Sexy side profile & a cute shot of the tootsies!

Meet Skeletor Baby

Yes, these Uber creepy shots are my gorgeous child who loves dressing up for Halloween year round.

One of therapy has the kid playing peek a boo.  We are going to get along great.  Loves costumes, Halloween, dancing and games....done and done. 

The last one is a sexy profile shot with a sweet little wave to hold us over till next time. :)

Enjoy! Video to come later! Love to all of you for the crazy awesome support!

My baby is a breakdancing fool....yo.

Ok, today was THE coolest day of my life thus far.  I.saw.my.baby.move.  The baby I get to love and kiss and snuggle and hug in just a few months.   And not just barely give us a little wiggle either, I'm talking the kind of movin' and groovin' that shocks the ultrasound tech into recording it for future viewing pleasure and giving us a free copy!  (I'm working on downloading it out here, so bear with me!)  To quote our wonderful tech, "I've seen a lot of babies and I've seen babies move, but I've never seen a baby move like this!"  Looks like the baby is going to be a salsa dancer like his/her mama after all!  :)  Or just really hyperactive.

I cannot even put into words what that was like to see my little scrip scrap in there all by itself, doing its thing, chilling out and being all grumpy at us for disturbing him/her.  The first thing I do every time we have an ultrasound (this is our fourth) is hold my breath while frantically searching for that blinky light showing the blood pumping through my little one's heart.  Once I've seen that, I always relax and can enjoy the show.  Today, I was blown away with the growth in these past two weeks.  The baby went from looking like a seahorse to a BABY.  It even waved at one point and you could see all five fingers!  I think Rik and I were both in awe of what we were seeing.  We knew we might see it move, but we did NOT expect the full-on talent show we got.  Well worth the price of admission.  :)

I kept looking at the pictures all day today and just smiling like an idiot.  I never thought I'd see anything like this.  And here we are.  So blessed.  I can't believe that little hand I saw is the hand I get to hold and kiss and it belongs to our baby.  If you could see me right now, I look like an absolute idiot with this hugemongo smile on my face.  I am so in love already.  That poor baby...in for a TREAT.  Between it's Daddy and me, yeeeesh....smother love.

The heart rate was 162 bpm and the little one was measuring 11 weeks, which we are today so that's great.  I have lost three lbs but since I had gained quite a bit the past few months with the meds, she said it's all good and we're right where we need to be.   The tech didn't really note or look for the placenta previa issue so, lucky me, I get another ultrasound in 4 weeks.  Just in time to see what the sex of the baby will be!  The doctor said since I wasn't having any more spotting of late that she wasn't too concerned and we'd check again at the next appointment.  I'm fine with that.  I hate that we've had issues, but I love the extra ultrasounds we're getting.  You all know how it feels being infertile and dying to know if everything is ok in there every waking minute of the day.  I'll take what little blessings God throws my way to go with this one HUGE one.  :)  It helps my sanity.

Rik was absolutely adorable during the ultrasound.  I wish I could bottle up those moments and share them with our baby one day.  It's so heartwarming to see how excited he is and how much he already loves this kiddo.  I think seeing the baby move today made it more real for him.  I would imagine it's hard for the fella since he's not going through the symptoms, just dealing with the fallout. ;)  It has to seem awfully surreal.  The heartbeat has to be his favorite - every time he hears it he outright giggles and usually says something about it being the best sound in the world.  It's so cute.

I talked to the doctor today about my back pain and she said she'd recommend seeing a chiropractor.  She had the name of one who specializes in maternity but she forgot to give me the name.  We'll have to call and get that tomorrow because I really want to go!  She also gave me some medicine for acid reflux and nausea.  She said the nausea may correct itself just with the acid reflux medicine.  We'll see!

That's all for now!  Keep us in your prayers!

My body & brain are on overload.....

Let's be real here....  I'm pregnant.  That one word STILL fills me full of every emotion you can imagine. Fear, envy, hope, joy, excitement, happiness, sadness, guilt.  Goodness.  Once an infertile, always an infertile.  I am so conscious of the suffering involved with infertility that I cannot let loose and just BE pregnant.  I can't just blog freely about how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing because there are CLOSE friends of mine that are struggling with the loss, the longing and the heartache of infertility that read this blog and because I LOVE them, I hesitate to share certain things already.  I hate the thought of adding to their hurt.  That's where the guilt comes in.  Why us?  Why were we blessed with this when others have been waiting longer, hoping longer.  I will never have those answers.  I hate infertility for all of us.  For those of us who are scared to enjoy what we've always longed for and for those of us who are still waiting and praying.

With that being said, I've prayed about this issue of mine and thought about it and I don't want to shortchange this experience because I have wanted this and waited for this and prayed and hoped and longed for this to happen for us.  I want to share my happiness with all of you because Rik and I deserve it and our baby deserves to be celebrated.  I can't even believe I get to say those words.  This is a BLESSING from God.  It was our time.  For whatever reason, He gave life to this dream and I will continue to give Him praise for it.  So, I am going to find a happy medium for now.  I will give you the information I feel I should share and say that I am sorry if any of it causes any of you any more pain.  I am ever-so-hopeful that you can be happy for us and that you can find hope in our story too.   I know I found hope and happiness through the blogs I have read these past two years.   Maybe now, we can pay it forward a little too.

If you're still reading after all that word vomit (it's not even Thursday!), here is what I have to say about this whole situation.  Pregnancy is NOT glamorous.  Anyone who says it is, is a bold-faced liar.  I said I'd never complain.  I prayed and bargained, "God, you can make me sick as a dog for 9 (10) months and I'll never complain, whimper or ask for it to stop!  I'll take it with a huge smile on my face!"  What an idiot I am.  I didn't whine or whimper for several weeks.  I did a good job reminding myself of my deal with God any time I got close to complaining and would even throw out a, "but I'm not complaining!" just to be sure my comment I made wasn't misinterpreted as a complaint.  See how that works?  Well, slowly, the disclaimer fell off and my voice got a little higher pitched and before I knew what had hit me, I was in full crybaby mode.  Poor hubby.

Here's what's been going down....

Tired?  Understatement of the freakin year.  People should never use that word to describe how you feel during these first weeks.  It's not TIRED.  It's exhaustion.  Pure and simple.  (All you mommies out there feel free to tell me I have no idea what I'm talking about, I'll agree with you wholeheartedly!)  By nine am, I am yawning, bobbing my head, rubbing my eyes and doing every thing I can to stay awake.  I can't concentrate or focus, I can't form sentences that make any type of sense, I lose my train of thought mid-sentence, I repeat myself (the latest one was, "Freeman hit a home run last night last night" - how does that even happen!?) and I put things in places they don't belong (salt in the fridge and stuff).

Nausea is hit or miss with me these days but for a few weeks, it was pretty brutal.  I won't complain though (see how that works?) because I could have had it SO much worse (and still might).  My friend April gave me these sea bands and they have actually worked for me.  They are made for motion sickness and you wear them around your wrists.  I had heard mixed reviews, but so far, no pukey pukey since she gave them to me last weekend.  I will say though that when I'm starving (all the time) and nauseous at the same time but can't eat a bite, I have a bit of a grumpy side.  Thank goodness I have a husband that has been willing to go to Mc.Donalds to grab me chicken nuggets after a long day of starving and nibbling and gagging just so that I could get to sleep.  (Sure, it's not nutritious but it was the ONLY thing I could even think about putting in my mouth without dry heaving that night!)  He also may have wanted away from my comments (not complaints).

Walnut sized bladder.  Wow.  I got up to pee 7 times during the night one night last week.  How is that even possible?  The baby is the size of my thumb, my uterus is the size of a large grapefruit.  HOW is that making me go pee-pee like I drank 3 gallons of tea before bedtime?  It's crazy.  This is one I don't really mind so much except that after I get up around 4, it's really hard for me to go back to sleep. I guess it's practice for once we actually have a baby in our house....which still seems unimaginable.

The only constant these past 3-4 weeks though has been sciatic nerve pain.  I never even knew that was possible.  I heard back pain was common later in pregnancy, but why right now?  I don't understand it at all.  My left leg feels like it's just going to fall right off sometimes and I swear I have slipped a vertebra out of place or something every time I tie my shoe or pick something up.   Has anyone ever gone to a chiropractor while pregnant?  How's that work exactly?

Well, these are my symptoms so far.  I don't really have a BUMP per se yet but I'm definitely a little wider and my lower abdomen has this little hard spot in it.  I can feel it best in the morning when I first wake up.  Rik can tell a difference too and so far, he's said he thinks it's pretty cute.  We'll see if that thought continues as I expand.  :)  We decided we would go ahead and do the baby bump pics after all. I was very hesitant about those, but I love looking at everyone else's so who am I to deny you that pleasure if you want to check out my chunk of love?  I just have to find an outfit that I think I'll be able to fit into for 7 more months.

Thank you for all the comments and well-wishes I've received out here.  They mean so much to me.  It's so wonderful having had your support all this time and I genuinely appreciate you more than you know.  Keep us in your prayers today as tomorrow is our scan to see how the baby is progressing and if the placenta previa has gotten any better.  I'll try to update you again tomorrow after we see the little scrip scrap!  Hugs to you all!

No News Is Good News-Scrip Scrap!

Gosh, it's been a while since I've blogged and I almost don't know how to go about it now.  There has been a lot going on around here so I'll try to catch you up quickly without posting a novella (again).  Who am I kidding?  I'm long winded by nature.  You won't mind, surely.

Ever since we started this fight of ours with infertility, I've read posts by so many of you announcing the arrival of your newborn after years of fighting and hoping for one.   I've read posts about finding out your pregnant and getting to tell your husband and it's always made me wonder, "How would I tell Rik?"  or "How would I tell everyone we finally got what our hearts have been dying for month after month, year after year?" or, "How would I post it on my blog? Would I be funny?  Straight to the point?"

Well, I've thought long and hard about it and I don't think I need to get all creative or insane about it....  We're pregnant.  It worked.  We are going to have a baby.  In November!

*Let that sink in a moment*

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!!??!?!?!?

Goodness....The amount of gratitude I feel can't be measured, the fear I feel in my heart can't be put into words, the joy I feel humming under my skin every day can't be described.  It's like I'm living in a dream.  If I am, I don't want to wake up.  Not ever.

I never truly let myself believe that this could ever really happen for us.  It never truly seemed like a possibility for some reason.  Now, I'm afraid to even talk about it too much.  It's like someone made a mistake and gave us someone else's blessing and if we talk about it, someone might figure it out and rectify the situation.  Crazy, I know.....but it is what it is.  We're going to be parents.  Scared, excited, clumsy parents.  This poor child is in for a treat.  We're already a mess and it's only two months in.

I am ten weeks along.  Ten terrifying weeks, I might add.  We've had several scares and some of you can relate to them.  Spotting, pain, the works.  I have partial placenta previa which has caused quite a bit of spotting and such.  We just found that out last Monday during our first real prenatal visit with our regular OB.  It was rather unplanned and they squeezed us in so it was short and sweet and to the point.  "Check the baby, check the mama (me!) and we'll see you in two weeks for the real visit".  The baby is doing great.  Measuring perfectly every time we've had an ultrasound (three already) and the heart rate was excellent the last time she checked (187 bpm).  The PPP is expected to move up/out of the way in the coming months so let's all keep those prayers coming and fingers crossed that it does.  My OB, we'll call her Dr. Copper, told me not to even research it because she doesn't want me scaring myself to death unnecessarily so I've been mostly good.  Let's just hope it corrects itself and all the bleeding ceases completely.  It's been gone a few days so that's great.  Who knew TP could be scarier than watching any horror film you've ever seen?

We graduated from the fertility clinic 2 weeks ago and I have to say, it was pretty bittersweet.  The whole office came out to hug me and several ladies cried.  When I went in for my first hcg level test, the whole front office staff w/ the nurses called me on speaker phone to tell me the results were 98.4 and they wanted them to be at 50 or above.  They were so excited for us.  I miss them all so much already.

Rik is over the moon.  I'm sure he won't mind me telling you that he got a bit emotional when we heard the heartbeat for the first time.  It was very unexpected and we both jumped because the doctor didn't even give us a warning, he just flipped on the speakers in mid-sentence.  It was pretty crazy.  It was unreal to know our baby had a heartbeat and it was only the size of an orange seed.  God's wonderful miracle, for sure.  We're both in love with that sound.  Rik will just randomly start making the noise walking through the house and it makes me smile one of those smiles that I haven't smiled in such a long time.  I feel real happiness again.  I never thought I'd find that feeling again.  It brings tears to my eyes now just thinking about it!

We've told many of our closest friends and family at this point so I felt better about sharing it online with all of you lovely ladies (and Doc - but you already know).  I was a little concerned about the placenta previa issue, but honestly, the doctor said she sees us at a 5% (or lower) threatened miscarriage rate at this point, so I decided it was time to share our beautiful news.  Six weeks is a long time to keep this quiet.  If you know me IRL, you know what I'm talking about here.  I LOVE good news and I love surprises.

With all that being said, I must say that I still HURTING over this post (isn't that insane?) because I know so many of you out there are still hoping, praying and waiting.  It kills me every time I think of it.  You are the ones that understood how I felt when I heard someone else was pregnant, what it feels like to skip a baby shower to avoid an embarrassing melt down, how you can be so happy for someone but dying inside at the same time, etc.   It's weird being the one with the news after all this time.  There shouldn't be guilt, but there is.  Infertility at its best, I know.  Infertility has taken so much from most of us out here and I hate it that it's even taken some of my joy over sharing this news openly.  I know you'll all be happy for me, I know that, but I want you to know that if you're still waiting and hoping, I am praying for you.  It's not much to say, but it's what I've got.   I had all but given up hope that we'd ever have a family, biological or otherwise.  God decided it was time.  I don't know why now, I don't know why me, but I will thank Him every day for allowing this.

Say a prayer for us if you pray.  If you don't pray, we'll take lots of positive thoughts and energy as we continue down this new path to meeting our baby.  I am smiling sitting here reading that because it just seems so unreal.  Me?  Pregnant?  With a baby?!  Thank you Lord for your beautiful blessing!  I will be welcoming all kinds of advice in the coming months on topics including but not limited to:

• Breast feeding
• Cloth Diapers
• Cures for nausea
• Things you can/can't live without
• Baby names
• L&D tips

If you're still with me, thank you and I can't wait to share more of this journey with you.  More to come....

Updates...

It's been a few weeks since I've posted so I'm going to keep it simple by bullet pointing what's been going on with us.  I said simple, not brief.

• We did injections last month.  We were super excited about that because we were hoping to get more aggressive with our approach since we have a cutoff date in mind.  We went in for our scan and had ONE follicle.  I was really floored.  I'd been expecting 2-4 so that we would have a better chance at conceiving.  No such luck.  It's frustrating when you spend that much money and anxiety over something and it doesn't do what you hoped it would do.  Then again, that's the chance you take with this mess.  We went forward with the IUI because the doc said if money wasn't an issue, they'd recommend it because it does improve your chances even w/ one follie.  We decided to pretend money wasn't an issue. :)  Isn't money always an issue when you're going through fertility treatments?  It's friggin' expensive!  If you didn't have a tight budget before treatments, you do now.  Anyway, we found out a few weeks ago the IUI wasn't successful.
• I had a long talk w/ my RE that day and asked her if we could go back to Clomid for one month because it was obvious to me that Anastrazole wasn't going to work and I wanted to wait another month before doing another round of injections. They want to double my dosage of Bravelle in hopes for more follicles so from a cost standpoint, we wanted to wait a month.  Dr. S thought Clomid was a good plan since I had consistently ended up with 2-3 follicles per cycle on Clomid.  The whole reason she put me on Anastrazole was to keep my lining from thinning out but I was still averaging between 9-12 mm (same as on Clomid) so I didn't really see any progression, we actually saw the opposite b/c we saw less follicles, same lining - go figure.  She doubled my Clomid dose and I started that on CD3.  She said we were going to start pushing the envelope.  I kind of wondered why we weren't pushing said envelope a little sooner than this, but I decided some things are better left unsaid.
• On CD4 I developed a massive headache that ended up becoming a really wretched migraine that lasted for five days.  I was miserable, but it was worth it.  At my scan on Sunday, we got the good news that we had a total of four follicles.  11, 12, 16, 21 mm.  Lining was 7 mm, lower than usual.  What's crazy is that she said that was still "a-ok" and she was only concerned if it was 5 or below.  (Which made me wonder why she ever took me off Clomid in the first place!!?!?)  We triggered Monday morning, had our IUI yesterday morning and I came home and rested the WHOLE day just to encourage everything to stay where it needed to stay.  Oh, and Rik crossed the finish line strong with 30 million on IUI day so this month is looking good for all intents and purposes!  We'll see what happens.  Please pray for us as we only have two months left to conceive and then we're moving on.  That's not written in stone or anything, but....that's where we're at currently.
• Time is just flying by these days.  Friends of ours that started trying to have children after we started this journey are now having baby #2 in a few months.  I'm really happy for them, it's just crazy how long we've been going through all of this (and I know it's nothing compared to some of the other stories we've heard!)...and we still aren't there yet.  I was thinking today that while I long to have a baby and want us to have a family of our own, it's not something that even seems like a possible reality to me anymore.  It just seems impossible that we will ever have a three part family, baby stuff laying around our living room, bottles in the cabinets, toys (not of the dog variety) all over the place or a nursery.  Those just do not seem like attainable dreams any more.  They are just dreams it seems and sometimes, that's difficult to get past.  It makes me think more and more we're wasting our time, even though I know we may NOT be.  Does this even make sense?  I'm not down, or sad or anything right now, it's just something that was on my mind today.  I just don't feel in my heart like we will EVER have a child.  The thought of it seems preposterous.  I could almost see us going to the moon on a hover craft before I could imagine us taking our own child to the playground for an afternoon.  But, I guess we'll see.  Hope leaves and then comes back in the same minute these days...which leads me to my next point...
• We're going to an adoption education class next Tuesday.  I was really pumped about this but now I'm a little leery.  I don't know if it's because I'm so hopeful this month is "our month" (see, hope has re-entered the program) or if it's because of my feelings noted in the previous bullet point.  It just seems like even if we went down that path, something would still happen to where we never succeeded (aaaand hope exits stage right).  I'm downright scared of that being the case.  I don't know what we'll learn or what we'll decide but hopefully, it's informative and I come away from it with a sense of peace.  I'm just scared of getting hurt by that process too.  I think some of these feelings are also a bit of a defense mechanism I'm throwing up to protect my heart a little....maybe.
• In other great news, a good friend of mine found out she's pregnant after trying to conceive for quite a while.  It's still early for them but I am so excited for her.  It's such a warm feeling to see someone who has gone through a lot of the same struggles we have gone through finally get the great news they've been hoping, waiting and praying for.  They are very special people and will make amazing parents.  I couldn't be happier for them!
• Rik's the new head coach of a high school baseball team here in town.  They've been conditioning for months and finally got started with tryouts and practices in the past few weeks.  The team had their first scrimmage game this weekend and I have to admit, I was SO proud of my husband.  Seeing him out there in his uniform, talking to the kids, working so hard on the field, working with the parents, making a difference for some of these guys....it was just a great thing to see.  All of his hard work has paid off and I am so happy for him.  Baseball has been such a huge part of his life, it's heartwarming to see him stepping from the role of player to coach and thriving in that role.  The kids love him and the parents and faculty members can't say enough good things about his efforts so far.  Did I mention I'm proud of him?  :)
• I went to watch my nephew, Matthew, play soccer last Friday night.  It's his first year of high school soccer and it's much more competitive and aggressive than the rec league or middle school soccer he is accustomed to.  He did great!  I sat in the stands, cheering against my old high school (weird!) and laughed myself silly over my niece and her crazy sense of humor.  Mallory's 11 years old and like Rik said last night, you never know what she's going to say or do next and it's adorably entertaining.  I honestly just LOVE being around her.  For about 20 minutes, she spoke with a British accent telling us stories about her classmates at school, then she was imitating how a girl on her softball team runs (imagine swinging your arms back and forth very quickly while you're flapping like a chicken) in front of everyone without the slightest bit of embarrassment.  She's hilarious!  My mom and stepdad came out too and we all had a great time.  Owen (nephew #2) wasn't as interested in hanging out with us since he had a friend with him but that's ok...I remember being 13 and being way too cool.  It was such a great night just being with my family and it still warms my heart to think about it.  I love them all so much. 
• Mallory invited me to come to her "Parent Shadow" day at her school yesterday (isn't that precious?) and we had a great time.  I went to lunch with her and then joined her in her 4th period class.  I absolutely loved it!  I felt honored she would ask me to go and be her stand-in Mom.  She has an amazing step-mom but it feels great to know she still loves her Aunt Shae Shae now and then.  :)

Ok, enough for now.  If you're still hanging around, here's a picture or two as a pay-off.

Someone in Altoid's market department never battled infertily.

This is my Mallory.  Proof of her insane personality that is such a joy to be around!

Matthew, Me and Mallory being our normal selves while Dad drove us around town last month.

Owen resting his beautiful eyes while we finished up our shopping.  Did I mention my brother makes beautiful kids?

Maddox (adopted nephew) was my date two Friday's ago.  He had raspberry sherbert!  We had so much fun!

Mallory and Chloe at Parent Shadow Day yesterday!  You can see how "snaggly" Mallory is in this picture.  She usually won't smile because she hates having snaggle teef.