Welcome Our Son! Baby Easton is here!

LOOK WHO JOINED THE PARTY!

Easton was born 11/8/12 @ 7:16 pm to two VERY proud and exhausted parents.

(Thank you to Daddy for delivering him safely and soundly!)

He weighed in at a sturdy 8 pounds 5 oz and was 21 1/2 in long!

So new and so alert.  I was amazed by this little face.

Fortunately for him, he favors his father.  Check out these profiles.

Deep (space) discussions with Daddy inspired by adorable space jammies.

Mommy & Easton falling more and more in love by the minute!

Our first day home is a success!  Maybe they will let us keep him after all?

Allow me to show you my surprised face! Ooooooh!

Daddy has never claimed to be stylish.....at least we have stripes as a constant here?

Showing off the Herrmann nose and lips.

When it comes to saving the world, he's your man. Check out those muscles!

There just aren't words....  "Love" is so inadequate a word.

Ok, so sorry for the delay in posting this gorgeous piece of news out here.  I honestly have no idea how you all do it the day of or the day after delivery.  I was busy trying to recover.  Yikes!  I will post his birth story in the next few days.  Now that I feel less like a swamp monster, I think I can squeeze it in!  We have his newborn photo session tomorrow so maybe after that, I'll take a little time and jot it all down before I forget (or block it out).  I am 100% amazed at how much my heart has grown in the past week and a half.  I never knew.  I thought I knew.....I had no idea.  My friends have all told me, just wait till you have your own.  They were right.  It's honestly a religious experience to look at the face of your child and KNOW that God blessed you with them and that your body was just a vessel in the process.  I've never been more thankful for anything in my life.  The relationship that Rik and I have is forever changed, deepened, opened, strengthened.  It's amazing.  It's like I went in to the hospital one person and came out two days later someone completely different.  The world is a whole new place.  This little boy has made me new/whole again.  I can't wait to share him with all of you.  I hope you love him too.  :)

Finally a Mommy,

Shannon

38 Weeks & 6 Days - L&D Thoughts

Yes, I could have waited one more day to post a 39 week update, but in all likelihood, I will forget tomorrow and then you won't get another update for a week or more and who knows if I'll be able to update then?  So, today it is!

We're still on baby watch.  So far, I am dilated 1-2 cm and I am 70% effaced (this is as of last week's appt so who knows what tomorrow will hold for us) at a -2 station!  The doctor said I could have Easton at any point,  and honestly, I wish she hadn't said that.  What I've managed to convince myself she said was, "Easton will be born today and you will be holding him by the end of the afternoon!"....NOT the case at all, but when you're excited, well, you're just excited.  I've been doing my level best not to put too much pressure on the situation because I really do want him to come whenever he is most ready but the last week has been one of those crazy weeks where all we do is walk around the house cleaning things up, moving things from one place to another, stocking diapers in every corner of the house and looking rather expectantly at each other all day long.  I am assuming everyone that makes it "full term" goes through this and so far, we've done really well.  Hurry up and wait.

Everyone is so excited for us that we're getting texts all day that say things like, "You need to hurry up!" or "You need to tell that baby to get a move on!  I'm excited to meet him!"  or "Tell him not to come until XYZ day!" and so...I am feeling the stress a bit more.  Silly, huh?  :)  It's nerves, obviously.   It's not like I can control his arrival so I might as well not feel the pressure, but I do.  I had a friend who would literally CRY daily after she hit 35 weeks because she felt like she was failing everyone for not having her daughter sooner.  I remember thinking she was NUTS b/c after all, she has no control over any part of it!  I chalked it up to her age b/c she was "young".  I sort of understand her now, though.  I don't feel like a failure by any means, but I definitely feel like people are sitting around waiting on me to have this baby and are just as antsy as we are about it (which is pretty freakin' antsy).  I know they aren't but you know how it is when you're excited and nervous about something so huge....Which leads me to my next point!

The labor and delivery portion of the show.  Oh what a topic!  We have chosen a birthing location here in town that is less hospital, more birthing center.  It's a women's center that caters more to the birthing experience than your standard hospital does.  The accommodations are awesome, they supply you with birthing balls, squatting bars, more freedom to move about, etc.   My biggest disappointment was finding out they recently have gotten rid of their birthing tubs which I was extremely excited to use.  Argh.  Anyway, because I have decided to go as natural as possible for as long as I can handle it (I know, I know) I don't want any "extra" distractions, visitors, pressures, etc.  I know me and I know I need to be able to focus 100% of my concentration on every part of my L&D just so I give us the best chance of success.  It's so important to me.  Obviously, if I'm feeling pressure from text messages about having this little guy, knowing there are 13 people in the waiting room WAITING on us to get the job done so they can meet our son, well, that's a huge distraction for me.

Originally, we were going to labor as long as possible at home, head to the center whenever we felt ready and send out a baby alert when we were about 7-8 cm dilated.  That way, family could come out then and would not be out there for hours and hours just pacing the halls and waiting on us to deliver.  There is also the fact that we plan on having an hour or more with just us and the baby after he is born and cleaned up and returned to us to bond, try our hand at breastfeeding, enjoy meeting our son, rest a bit and then have visitors.  We neither one wanted to feel rushed through this special time.  We've waited a long time for this and we really do want to enjoy those first moments as a family so that we don't "forget" what it was like before the room was filled up with people and he was passed from one eager, loving person to another for a while.

This information (our plan) was handled pretty well by most people, but there were a few family members and friends who protested and have been so adamant about being in the waiting room while we labor that we've finally relented b/c it's just too exhausting trying to explain my heart and to continue arguing about it is not how I want to spend my last week or two.  My mom's argument is that she wants to be there in case something goes wrong or we have an emergency.  She says she'd never be able to live with NOT being there if something horrible happened to me.  (Let's hope and pray THAT isn't an issue, shall we?)    She just keeps saying I don't understand and one day, if I have a daughter I will understand.  Maybe I will, but I also would like to think that I'd try to understand where she's coming from, who she is as a person and why her wishes are so important to her.  It's not that I'm being selfish or overly independent - it's that a natural birth is important to me and if I know something is going to jeopardize that (b/c I know me), then I want to try and prevent that from happening.

I may not make it three hours naturally, but dangit, I wanna give myself the best chance possible.  I want to limit the chance for a c-section, I want L&D to go as quickly as possible, and I want to do it the way we've hoped for.  I know I have NO control over what happens to an extent, but some of it, I can.  (Side note-Don't you love when people say, "I can't wait to see how long it takes you to ask for an epidural!" - Some folks just don't get it!  Support, not hope for failure is what is needed here!)

Anyway, we've heard it from several folks and honestly, it's not about everyone else's interpretation of the situation or their intentions, it's about cause and effect for ME.  It doesn't matter how or why from everyone else's perspective, it matters how it impacts me at that very important time in my life.  I just wish I could convey that without being interrupted with the "Just wait, you'll see one day" or, "You're being ridiculous, no one is pressuring you by being there!" and so forth.  Oh well...some things are just too hard to explain to everyone.  Especially if they don't really understand the reasons behind your wishes.

We've decided we'll just address the situation in another way.  We'll let our family and close friends know when we're headed to the hospital and then once there, Rik is managing the phones/texts and the nurses will be instructed NOT to mention who is in the waiting room or what they are doing.  I don't want to know if Rik's dad is pacing the halls or trying to get in to see us.  I don't want to know if my mom is a nervous wreck (she will be - she is just so excited).  I don't want to know if there are 6 people there or 16.  I don't want to know if the British are coming!  We're just gonna pretend no one is there and I'll focus all my energy on getting this little boy here safe and sound with as little medical assistance as possible.  :)  Problem solved.  Rik won't go out and visit or update, I won't be checking my phone for texts, etc.  I won't have to worry about people wanting to come in for a visit.  If we change our minds, that's our choice to make then.  No pressure, no distractions.  Everyone's happy!

There is only one exception to all this.  My best friend, Keesha, is a nurse and we have a very special relationship.  We've been best friends since we were 15 years old.  She's been one of the only people I have ever depended on for emotional support and she's never let me down or disappointed me.  When I didn't have anyone else during those tough, late teenage years, she was there for me in all her brutal honesty.  :)  When I went through rough times in my early twenties, she helped me through them like a sister would.  She always understands where I'm coming from and if she doesn't, she tries her best to.  That girl is the most supportive person I've ever met.  She's also very practical and level-headed about these types of things - she's a nurse.  Our sons very well may be born on the same day and if her baby boy isn't here yet, I have a feeling she'll be there for me if I need her support or her guidance - in house or otherwise.    It's funny how some people just have a calming effect on you - that's my Kiki.  If we have any medical questions, she'll be our go-to for sure.

Well, this post turned out to be a long post about L&D, not really an update of any kind.  I guess that means I will just have to post again tomorrow assuming Baby E isn't here by then.  I hope this doesn't come across like I'm being unreasonable or anything.  I love all the support I've gotten from my closest buddies and our family.  They are amazing and have never done anything to make me think they'll be banging the door down to get into our room, it's just ME and my anxiety.  HA!  I wish I could explain it better, but I guess I can't.  I'm usually pretty good with words but I guess this time, I am struggling.  What are your thoughts on the subject?  Am I being unreasonable?  Selfish?  I really don't want to hurt anyone - especially people I love so very much!  Who knows, I may go into labor and beg 8 different people to meet me at the entrance to the hospital to hold my hand.  :)  That's how unpredictable I feel labor and delivery might be!  I just want to be IN the moment.

Until next time,
Shannon

37 Weeks & Stuff

"My humps, my humps, my lovely ginormous lady lumps, CHECK IT OUT!"

You know, you see those memes these days that say, "What I think I look like while xyz" followed up with "What I actually look like while xyz".  Well, I'm there now.  The only problem is, the two images in my head have slowly but surely morphed and now I KNOW what I actually look like.  Luckily, I have a husband that's an excellent liar and tells me I'm beautiful every day right around the time I'm about to complain or wimper about needing help to raise myself to an upright position.  :)  He's awesome.

SO, I had my 37 week checkup yesterday.  Our normal doc was out of town so we finally met another doc in the practice.  I was glad about that b/c who knows WHO will deliver Easton with 9 other doctors in the practice?  Last week, I had my cervix checked and was happy to hear I was already dilated 1 cm!  I was surprised!  I DO wish that someone had taken to time to tell me that having your cervix checked was much like a tonsillectomy via the va-jay-jay.  Holy discomfort, Batman!  I mean, sure, I've been through worse as an infertile, but still....I just wasn't quite prepared.  Plus, my doctor has tiny, short fingers which means she was short on reach and had to really go jamming her knuckles and such all up in there.  Bruise anyone?  Not fun.  I survived.  

They measured the little rascal last week during my last ultrasound (sniff) and he was weighing in at a healthy 6 lbs 9 oz already.  I'm sure that's not 100% accurate based on everyone's stories I've heard but it's nice to pick things up that weigh about 7 lbs and be impressed with myself for carrying that around in my belly.  :)  The tech was still impressed with his fat cheeks and his hair.  Apparently, he's gonna join the Afro Circus that is my family and fit in very nicely.  I'm one proud mama.  He may hate me, but I'm definitely hoping for curls....lots of them.  Somewhere between Justin Timber.lake (of old) and Matthew McConaughey (also of old).

Baby E is insanely active.  It's one of those things that even the doctor and nurses comment on.  He usually has a higher heart rate at my appts b/c he's flipping around, doing the cha-cha-cha or the worm and they have a hard time getting a good reading on it.  

Yesterday, the new doctor checked his heart rate and for once he was still after a ten minute workout session.  It was in the 150's and she said, "Is he an active fella?"  Rik and I both had to laugh and just say yes.  He's insane.  Maybe every baby is super active and I'm just finally getting to have the experience myself, but either way, it's hilarious and amazing and I'm gonna miss it when it's not there anymore.  I wonder how often I reach up to rub his little booty that he's constantly sticking out after he is born?  I know I'll be so happy to have him in my arms, I won't be sad per se, but I will definitely miss having the little Scrip Scrap all safe and sound in my tummy cracking me up with his moves like Jagger.  He's like my own personal comedian, my pick-me-up when I'm sad, my company when I'm lonely, etc.  Once he is here, I'll have to share him.  Luckily for my family and friends, I'm dying for them to meet our little guy so, I promise not to run away with him and hide in a cave a la Lord of the Rings (My Precious).

So, at the checkup, I managed to slightly embarrass my sweet hubby.  Remember above where I mentioned my doctor has short tiny fingers?   Well, the nurse mentioned the new doctor checking my cervix, I had a thought and before I could even think it through, it came out of my mouth.  I asked, "Does Dr. Allen have long fingers?"  Her face said all I needed to know.  I looked over at Rik and he had his head down, hand over his eyes, shaking his head.  "What?  You have someone put their hand up there and check your cervix and we'll see how important finger length is!" The nurse just said, "I think her hands are slightly bigger than your doctors," and left the room.  Then it was my turn to be embarrassed.  Ugh....  Sometimes my brain is just not as quick as my mouth, but I still think it was a logical question.  And the nurse was right.  Slightly longer than my doctor.  Still uncomfy, but not like last week.  :)  I'm dilated 1-2 cm now and Scrapper was at -2.  She said she could feel his head through the bag of waters and when she touched him, he started squirming all over and it startled her.  She laughed and said, "Oh, he's on the move now!" and he kept moving his head back and forth.  It was amazing to think she was touching our sons head.  Rik didn't hear another word she said for probably five minutes b/c he was so focused on that.  :)  It was cute.  We were both a little jealous she got to feel his head.

So far, I've gained 20 lbs.  I haven't gained any in three weeks but he has so I'm not worried.  My gestational diabetes is still under tight control and I've done a great job if I do say so myself!  I feel like my tummy is massive and couldn't possibly stretch any further but it does.  The doctor thinks I'll have him a week or two early so that's a week or two away now.  I can't believe we made it full term.  When the doctor mentioned that yesterday, all I could do was grin because after all we've been through and all this time, we're closing in on the finish line/start line.  Finishing one race just to start another race.  It's unbelievable!  I'm having a son.  Pretty soon, I'll get to look at this little person that looks somewhat like me and somewhat like Rik and know that the desires of our heart were granted and we have been blessed beyond measure.  I can't wait to hold our little boy.

Sugar Baby

So, I failed my second glucose test.  They tested my blood four times and I failed three of those tests; the only one I passed being the fasting level before I drank Satan's koolaid.  Most of you have tried the original Satan's koolaid they give you for the first test, but the second batch...oh boy, it's even more satany.  I put a few drops in the cap and made Rik taste it.  ((I always make him taste my medicine if it's nasty b/c misery loves company.))  He agreed with me, Satan's koolaid.

Anyway, they called me the other day to give me the wonderful news that I failed and have gestational diabetes or "diabeetus" as I've been calling it because it reminds me of my great grandma and it makes me laugh when I want to cry.  I'm really NOT happy about having this.  I find it insanely difficult to believe considering I've always had low blood sugar and several low blood sugar attacks since I've been pregnant.  I also have none of the "risk" factors that typically fit people with gestational diabetes.  I'm not overweight, I eat a healthy diet, I don't have anyone in my family who's ever had gestational diabetes, etc.  The only thing I do have against me is that I'm over 25 years of age and pregnant.  Who knew?

Everyone I've spoken to about this gives me the "you'll be fine, people deal with this everyday" speech and it's honestly, a little grating at this point.  I know people are thinking I'm worried about keeping it under control or worried about having diabetes, but I'm not.  I'm not concerned with controlling my sugar levels.  I'll follow the diet, I'll do what I'm supposed to and it will be kept under control.  I have self control and I love my little guy.  What I'm upset about is the possible side effects that may affect Easton in the future.

He has more increased risks than I do.  He could have macrosomia (which literally means "fat baby") at birth and be a large baby due to the fact that he can't convert the sugar in his body to energy so it's then stored as fat.  He could have hypoglycemia at birth and have to be given a glucose supplement to help regulate his sugar levels (which could interfere with breastfeeding as well).  He could have respiratory issues.  He could struggle with obesity his whole life.  He could develop diabetes himself at any time, including childhood.  I'll not even mention the other things b/c they aren't going to happen because I'm going to keep this mess under control for the next 10 weeks.   I know these are all RISKS....but they are increased risks because of this issue.    If I get Type II diabetes in 5-10 years because of this, fine.  I'll deal with that.  I just can't stand the thought of him having to deal with something like this because my body didn't handle being pregnant properly.

You can probably tell I'm a little down about this.  I know it's NOTHING that I did wrong and I had no control over this.  It's just one of those fluke things that happens with some pregnancies b/c of the hormones in your body and yada yada yada.  It doesn't mean I'm not still pissed off about it.  I grew up so healthy.  Never sick, always in great shape, super athletic/active, never abused my body w/ drugs/alcohol, took care of myself, etc.  Why is it that now, when I want my body to do what God intended it to do, it won't cooperate?  It took us this long to get pregnant and we had to trick my body into getting pregnant in the first place.  Then it was touch and go for a while because of my partial placenta previa issue.  I'm deficient in Vit D, Iron and now I have gestational diabetes and could potentially be a harm to my son.  It's very frustrating when your body just doesn't seem to want to do what it should be doing.  I just keep reminding myself that I'm blessed to be able to experience this because I couldn't have gestational diabetes unless I was pregnant and that's all that matters.  So, I'm trying to stop feeling sorry for myself and baby E, suck it up and just be thankful I'm going to have a son in a few weeks.  That makes it ALL better because I know what a blessing that is.  

Easton is already a little bigger than average, but not abnormally so.  He is in the 77th percentile.  At first, they said it could be because of genetics (Rik is 6'4" tall) but now it could be because of genetics OR gestational diabetes.  We had a huge growth spurt around 26-29 weeks but he has since leveled off a little bit.  At my 27 week appt, they said he measured 29 weeks.  On Tuesday, our 30 week appt, he was measuring 31w3d.  The doctor said we may come back in two weeks and he'll be right on target again and that the 27 wk measurement could have just been due to a rapid growth spurt we were catching at it's end.  Who knows...  I expect him to be long, I just hope he's not a big baby.  I don't want to worry about him getting stuck in the canal or hurting his shoulders because he's too big or me having to have an emergency c-section b/c he won't fit through through my pelvis.  These are all new worries I wasn't previously concerned about b/c I've done great on my weight gain and had no reason to think I couldn't deliver him vaginally.  Now, we wait and see.

We met with the high risk doctor yesterday.  I didn't even catch his name b/c all he did was walk in, do a little work on the ultrasound machine and tell me that he doesn't need to see me again unless I can't control my sugar.  The dietician/diabetic counsellor was amazing though.  Her name was Linda and oddly enough, Rik and I both know her son from work.  She explained everything to me and showed me how to prick my finger and check my blood.  I have to check it four times per day.  When I wake up, aka my fasting level, and then two hours after breakfast, lunch and dinner.  So far, not a single test has been over the limit they gave me.  It's actually been way under.  The diet isn't really that different from what I was already eating other than not having any milk until dinner or later and not eating fruit except for afternoon snacks or later and even then, sparingly.  I'm a fruit eater so this is a little different for me.  I can pass up a cake or doughnut any day of the week but you put some fresh pineapple in front of me and it's ON.  :)  The only other real sacrifice will be my every-other-day glass of sweet tea.  I love sweet tea.  Anyway, so far so good. No blood sugar issues.

My best friend is a nurse and she still thinks the only reason I failed those tests is because I'm NOT a sweet/carb eater (except for bread and potatoes now and then) and they overloaded my system with 100 grams of straight glucose and my body flipped out b/c it never has to process that much glucose.  haha....  My other friend is a dietician and she was a lifesaver that week between the test results and the high risk appointment.  She gave me a lesson in diabetic eating and I was able to get through that week without panicking too much.  It's awful to get your results and then hear you have to wait a week to know what to do and how to handle it.  I was afraid to eat ANYTHING!  

So, that's what's new in our world.  My fingers are sore from the pricking and ya'll know how much I hate needles, right?  I mean, really.  Childbirth freaks me out less!  Say a prayer for us.  I'm doing what I need to do to make sure Easton and I are healthy as we can be and the rest is up to the big man upstairs.    The doctor said hopefully, this diet will help slow Easton's growth down a little bit so that he gets back on track by the time he's born.  He weighed a chunky 3 lbs 12 oz on Tuesday.  :)  So far, I've gained a total of 16-17 lbs.

Next post will be more upbeat, I promise.  We're almost finished w/ the nursery and I have photos to share.  :)  If any of you dealt with gestational diabetes, I would love to hear how you handled it and how your baby handled it at birth and later on.

XOXO,
Shannon

Guest Post - 1,000 Needle Sticks

I asked my husband to guest post a while back because honestly, I love his writing and it always sticks with me regardless of what he writes about. This post is no different. I hope you enjoy.

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1,000 Needle Sticks

Shot of what? Inject it where? Mix it how? Give this why? Is it time? Hold your legs up? How long has it been?How long do we wait? One day two days three days four days one week two weeks two weeks and two days two weeks and four days now your’re late we’re late really we’re late how do you feel I feel nauseous a bit you do yep I do man man man oh man do you think we got it right this time yes I feel like we finally got it right this time holy cow I think we got it right this time how late are you we are late baby baby baby –STOP – I STARTED TODAY….blank expression…watery eyes…turn around, turn away, walk away, stay away for two more weeks of avoiding the topic and wondering how on Earth we’ll ever get pregnant…

Infertility kills. Infertility hurts. It will –and yes it will – beat you down. It will be the elephant on your shoulders, weighing down your every step. Making every movement slow, deliberate, burdened, unnatural. You lose the flow of life. Lose the simple joys of a mockingbird on your brick wall somehow mocking the sound of a red tailed hawk. Normally, that would be fascinating – absolutely fascinating. But you just shrug that off and put your hand on the car door, open the door, sit down, close the door, sit in your silence for a few seconds, then put the key in the ignition and spiral your way back down into your own private hell. Every. Single. Cursed. Day.

The mechanism of infertility. The steady, methodical demolition of the self. The brutal machine that quite quickly condemns one of life’s greatest joys into one of life’s greatest failures. That “BFN”. Big. Fat. Negative…Big. Flaying. Nife.

You may never feel this alone. You may never feel as alone as you will as you endure this arduous process. But it is a process. But you are not alone, unfortunately. There is no solace in that, however – because who gives a rat’s rip that other folks are in your unique position. It doesn’t help. There is no help when there is nothing to help you. Either you get pregnant, or you don’t. If you try to look much beyond that, well… then I wish you the best of luck, friend.

Luck. Faith. Work ethic. Talent. Humor. Perhaps we’re not as solid as we thought? Perhaps we aren’t the strongest person we know? Perhaps we will never, ever get pregnant? Perhaps. I mean, it’s been over 2 years (I quit counting the months when I realized it’d been two years) so why should it change now?

And then I came home from Dick’s Sporting Goods around 8:00 one night. Had to get a new team catcher’s mitt and new BBCore approved bat. I walked in from the garage. I took two steps into the kitchen. And then I saw her emerge from the hallway. Her hand outstretched. Her face a beautiful display of one thousand raw emotions at once. In her hand a white stick. But I already knew because I had already connected with her eyes – her beautiful, oceanic eyes. She was shaking, barely able to speak, barely able to stand, barely able to barley be able to. Her body, like a life-sized tuning fork, hummed and sung with limitless energy. The test said we were pregnant…

So did the next test. So did the third test. And the fourth. And the fifth. And the sixth. So did the bloodwork. So did the next round of bloodwork. So did the ultrasound. So did the world-changing sound of the “thwump-thwump-thwump-thwump-thwump” sound of a beating heart – the beating heart – of our baby. Yes, yes – it finally worked. It finally, finally, finally, finally, finally actually worked.

Look. You may be down in that deep, dark, dank emotionless cave that only you can reach. You may be as cold as a mountain stone. You may be one step away from either retreating for good, or taking your first step towards the mouth that leads out of this damned cave. I wish I could take your hand, look you in the eye, and tell you that it’s going to be perfect. I wish that would make a difference. At some point, you’ll either get pregnant or you won’t. At some point, you’ll either keep trying for one that is of your own blood, or you won’t. Just don’t ever quit trying to fight your way out of this. Fight your way through it. Fight your way to your own unique sense of peace with your path –whatever that path may be. It isn’t easy. It was never meant to be easy.

I wish for you that which you need most right now. - Rik

Hello me....

I have been thinking a lot lately about how strange it is to be ME again.  Not the old me really, just a new me.  A better me.  A peaceful me.  I haven't been "Ok" in a long time.  2009 was the beginning of what ended up being three of the hardest years of my life.  TTC, Infertility, pregnancy loss, job loss, my grandfather dying, surgery, treatments, etc.  It just felt like the hits kept rolling in.

Infertility hung around.  Dragging me under.  I couldn't get my head back above water.  I was drowning more and more every day.  To be so down and have so many disappointments and just want a child of your own to love with every part of your soul, to ground you, center you, firmly and decisively establish you as someone meaningful in this world and then not be able to have it month after month with no real idea as to why....it just does something to you mentally.  It leaves you feeling like you've been stuck on a Tilt-A-Whirl.  Going around and around, dizzy, sick, scared.  I thought things and felt things that I would NEVER admit to anyone these past few years.  There were times I thought my marriage couldn't last through another week.  Thank GOD it did.  There were times I thought I would go insane from the hurt and confusion of it all.  Thank GOD I didn't (completely).  There were days I couldn't even speak to people because it felt like uttering one word would take every ounce of strength I had and I needed my strength just to get one foot in front of the other.  And I thought I was a strong person before.  You find out just how much you can handle (or not) when you're dealing with being infertile.  I hit the lowest point of my life last year before finally, slowly, I began to claw my way back.  Back to life, back to Rik, back to myself.  But I still wasn't ok.  I still wasn't ME.  I felt unsteady.  A bad case of vertigo.  No real sense of which was up.  I was trying....I just wasn't getting very far.  The sadness was always there.

Until March.  Out of the clear blue my life did a complete 180.  When I had finally stopped expecting it, I received the biggest gift of my entire life.  I went from wanting a glass of wine to peeing on a stick and then being completely face down in my bathroom floor crying and shaking and freezing and saying the only two things I could say: "Oh my gosh" and "Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you."  I think I spent two hours saying ONLY those two phrases...  I was pregnant.  After years and months and weeks and days of never getting anywhere but further down, I was suddenly present.  VERY, very present.  Those first few days were such a blur.  Terrifyingly happy and just plain terrified.  Loss does a number on your faith.  It's true.  People say you've gotta have faith....it's hard when you have gone through a loss.  I was beyond scared.

I've heard people say their lives changed in an instant when something specific happened to them.   That night changed my life.  Just the knowing.  The beginning of something beautiful I thought I would never get to experience.  It took weeks to sink in.  It took months to finally feel that fear of loss start to slip slowly away.  It took even longer before I realized I am REALLY going to be a mother.  I will have a son.  In a few months, my house will be filled with tiny things.  Tiny clothes, tiny shoes, tiny toys, tiny diapers.   We will be exhausted and stressed and 100% in love with our baby.  We will go from a couple to a family.  Just reading that puts tears in my eyes.  My husband will finally get to hold our past and our future in his hands and let all that love in his heart pour all over our little boy.  Six months ago, I never would have believed we'd be here now.  This place is so.....content.  Six months and I am so me again.  The new me, but me all the same, only different.  I no longer feel like I'm hanging on to my sanity by a thread.  I'm no longer feel like every breath I take is through a tiny straw.  I'm functional.  I'm happy.  I found my smile.  I am at peace again.  I finally see my husband again.  Not the soldier beside me fighting his way through, but my soul mate.  It's so unbelievable to feel this way after so long in the dark.  And it all started to change that night in March.  I haven't spent one day since then living in sorrow or pain or anger.  I didn't even realize it until recently.  The rubberbands around my chest are gone.  The weights on my shoulders have been lifted.  The blinders I was wearing have been removed.  It's like I hopped on a speeding train back to LIFE and never looked back.  I hadn't expected that, I guess.  Not so quickly or so completely.  Our lives are changed.

There are so many people out there still dealing, dragging themselves through every day, trying to breathe in and out, hurting, aching and longing for all these same things.  It seems wrong sometimes that I stand on the other side of infertility now when so many people I know are still in the throes of battle, chest deep in the hurt.  I don't understand why the timing of things has happened this way, but I know that anyone I've met, talked to or followed out here who has gone through the valley of infertility and come out on the other side with their dream, regardless of if it's a child of their heart or a child of their body, they all say the same....The timing was perfect.  The child that was meant for them is theirs and they wouldn't trade a single moment of what they went through to get there.  That's so easy to say from "the other side" but I keep telling myself it is true and God's timing is perfect....if not painful at times.

I don't know what's got me thinking about all of this other than I had this amazing feeling of being present and completely content today.  It's been so long since I felt truly at peace that it was almost a surprise to realize that's what I was feeling.  I am so incredibly grateful.  I'm amazed at God's trust in us and amazed that He has given me the opportunity to build my life around my husband and our little boy.  I know I'll make mistakes and I know there will be days when I do hurt and suffer and struggle again...but for now, I am relishing in this light and soaking up every possible ray of peace and happiness that I can.  I've waited a long time for this.

19 Weeks & Stuff!

Well, we went to the doc on Tuesday and unfortunately, Rik couldn't make it to this appointment.  It was the anatomy ultrasound so I decided to take my Mom with me.  She was so incredibly excited!  We saw the doctor first and did the ultrasound second.  Dr. N said I looked great, there wasn't any concern about the weight gain (or lack thereof) and then we got down to talking about some of the labor and delivery questions I had.  

She said we'd pow-wow about this a lot and in greater detail in the coming months but she still answered a lot of my questions and made me feel completely normal about it all.  

Epidurals: We talked about epidurals and she said she would put in my chart that this was not to be offered, but given upon request only.  

Episiotomy: I know what this is and enough about it, but I asked about episiotomies b/c honestly, my husband showed me a picture of one from one of his books and now I can't stop thinking about it.  I just wanted to her to explain when/why they are used.  Yikes!  She said she only does them when absolutely necessary and explained those necessary situations.  She explained it's a lot easier to suture up a straight cut than a very jagged tear. *shudder*  

Silver Nitrate/Antibiotic ointment for baby's eyes: She said it's the law so she has to do it regardless of if I test negative or positive for the strep B virus.  I may read up a bit more on this.

Skin to skin contact immediately after birth: She's 100% for it and supports that as long as there isn't an emergency w/ the baby (obviously).  She explained she had her daughter on her immediately, but her son was not breathing and they had to whisk him away to be worked on.  

Delayed cord clamping:  She said she used to always do it b/c studies showed it was better for the baby.  Now, she is a little more hesitant due to back flow of the blood while the placenta is still inside the mother.  There are reports of infant deaths from this as well as other complications.  She feels it's benefits and risks have to be weighed by the doctor and mother basically.  She said she is comfortable with a shorter delay in clamping but not a full delay till it stops pulsing.

We are going to take a birthing class at the hospital and I am going to take a breast-feeding course as well.  I'm trying to talk Rik into Daddy Boot Camp, but so far, he seems hesitant.  It's mostly a class on how to change a diaper, how to swaddle, how to feed, etc.  He probably does know most of this already from all our nieces and nephews, but I thought he might make some friends or just enjoy the experience.  I forget how different boys and girls are sometimes.  :)  

I have hit a stumbling block with the nursery.  We have picked out a crib and dresser from a dark brown furniture collection.  ALL the bedding I like for boys is shown in a WHITE crib.  I'm picky, I'm not going to fib to ya.  I don't want animals or trains or tractors or tools or any other type of theme really.  I want something with a design but not something w/ bright colors.  I don't want it to be too dark b/c I want the room to feel light, especially now that the furniture is darkish.  The problem is, everything I like really only looks good w/ a white crib and ours is dark brown.  I'm having a rough time matching something to our crib without actually seeing it in it.  It's a mess!  I found a really cute heirloom voile quilt that I ordered a swatch on from Restoration Hardware.  We'll see what it looks/feels like when it gets here.  I may just go the plain route and just mix n match the other pieces of the bedding to jazz it up a bit.  

We found a few gliders we love, but of course we both like different ones.  Go figure.  We are going to convert our front room/library into a play room or nursery for the first floor so maybe we'll put his in there and mine in the baby's actual room? haha.   I'm just excited to finally have this opportunity.  So far, it's been really fun shopping for his little room.

I will leave you now with some adorable pictures of my little scrip scrap!  Hope you think he's as sweet as I do!

Cutest profile in the business!!!

Doing his "Thriller" dance moves!!

(I told Rik he'd be a dancer!)

I don't know if he's yawning, smiling, or yelling at us to quit smooshing him....

Waving hello to his Daddy!

14W6D

Ok, let's see....Update time, yes?

I am finally starting to show.  If you didn't know me and saw me, you'd think I should probably lay off the burgers and fries.  If you know me, you can probably tell I'm a little bit with child.  It's really only started showing these past two weeks.  I haven't gained any weight yet, but I did lose 4 lbs, 3 of which I have gained back.  The doctor said this is all ok considering I gained about 12 lbs between August and February on the fertility meds.  Now that I'm off them, eating a pretty good diet and drinking a gazilion gallons of water a day, it's to be expected.  These next few weeks should show the needle on the scale inching upwards.  We'll see how that goes.

Tomorrow, we have our anatomy ultrasound and we find out what we're having (if the little scrip scrap cooperates).   I am beyond excited.  I just keep thinking that tomorrow is the ultimate day for me so far....I will find out if I am going to have a SON or a DAUGHTER.  That's amazing.  After all the hurt, the worry, the frustration, the tears, the anger.... I get to finally imagine what our life might look like in a few months.  I know my wildest imagination could never come up with even a glimmer of how wonderful (and terrifying) this will be, it's still lovely to try.  Let's just hope the little stinker cooperates and remembers what mommy had to do all those times in the stirrups....SPREAD EM!  

In other news, Rik got a part in the movie "42" as a featured extra.  Basically, Harrison Ford's movie about Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in Major League Baseball is partly being filmed here in Chattanooga at Engle Stadium.  Engle is a very old baseball stadium that hasn't been used in almost 30 years.  It's historic and beautiful and perfect for this movie.  Rik auditioned for a part, didn't get it....then got called back to do the camera blocking about a month ago and then got called back last week to actually be in the movie as the Cincinnati Reds 1st baseman.  Today is the first day on set and it's been raining off and on all day long.  He's in an old school WOOL uniform (he claims it's like sweatpants pajamas) and using an old timey mitt and cleats.  He looks pretty cute!  They even cut his hair into a more time-appropriate style. HA! He is loving every minute of this and it's definitely going to be something cool to tell the kiddo someday.  Thank the LORD, he managed to be off tomorrow.

Oh, before I forget...  I had NO idea that pregnant skin burns a lot easier than just plain crappy white skin.  To you ladies who knew this information and chose not to share it, you are in the dog house!  I rely on you, Girlfriends, to share all the crucial survival tips of getting through 9 (10) months of Human Greenhousing!  I was out in the overcast, dreary, grey day last Saturday for a total of 1.5 hours.  I squeezed (literally) myself into my bikini from last year (imagine a freshly popped can of biscuits) and set up shop at my friend's pool to relax and enjoy the warm day.  Little did I know, I was baking myself and my rascal to a flaky crisp!  The burn (to put it mildly) hurt for SIX DAYS!  I am still shocked I ended up that sunburned, but goodness!  I had no idea that would happen.  So, since none of you dahlings warned ME, I'm putting it out there now for all the up and coming pregnant tanners pasties, WEAR SPF 100 SUNBLOCK WHILE PREGNANT BECAUSE YOU WILL END UP LOOKING LIKE CRISPY BACON OTHERWISE!!!!  Ok, there.  I feel better.

Who knew skin could itch like this, by the way.  I am going through an insane amount of lotion here on  a daily basis trying to avoid scratching the first three layers of skin off my stomach and my tatas ... I've always heard not to scratch but goodness, it's nonstop itching.  Even my legs have joined in on the action today.  I have a feeling a growth spurt is under way.  :)  In other skin news, my epidermis is enjoying being pregnant and I haven't had a single breakout in three months.  How crazy is that?  It's like magic.

Rumor has it my little tot is about 4 inches long right now.  All the weekly updates I've read don't match up so I'm just going to assume 4 inches is about right.  The fruit this week is an apple.  Last week, a lemon.  Why do they use fruit?  Why not a tennis ball or a dessert plate?  I think the baby sights use those subliminal messages to try and get you to eat less mexican pizza and more fruits and veggies.  It works.  I think I've eaten my weight (laughable) in fruit in the past three months.  I'm trying to eat healthy and make good choices.  I am not always spot on, but I am proud of myself for doing so well.  I always ask myself, "What nutritional value is this offering my little one if I eat it?"  If I can't come up with at least a few, I don't eat it.....usually.  That's been tough.   Sometimes, I just want a cheeseburger.  Luckily, my good friend Emily and I set up a double date for us and our hubby's last week and we did just that.  We went to Tremont Tavern and had ourselves a Jalepeno Burger that was very tasty!  Fries on the side!  She is four weeks ahead of me and it's been awesome having her to go to for tips and to find out just what's coming next.  She even felt her little girl move last week for the first time!  So exciting.

My Mom has officially gone baby bananas.  It's so cute.  She has already spent way too much money on this baby (and me).  She bought me a ton of maternity clothes that I can't wait to wear (I may regret that comment in 5 months).  She has also already bought her own car seat, swing and play yard to keep at her house.  She's even moving the tanning bed out of her office so that she can set up a little nursery area for the baby.  Out with the fake bake, in with the crib!  She has signed up for the weekly updates so she always knows what's going on with her newest grandbaby and baby.  I love all the excitement my family and so many of my friends have about this pregnancy.  They all know how much we wanted this and how happy we are with this blessing.

Now, I need more advice from you mommy lovelies.  Two things:  

What is the ONE baby item that you can't imagine living without?  

What is the ONE baby item you haven't used and think is a complete waste of money?

I'm going to make a list so I can make sure I don't miss out on the goodies!  

Love to you all!

Shannon

My baby is a breakdancing fool....yo.

Ok, today was THE coolest day of my life thus far.  I.saw.my.baby.move.  The baby I get to love and kiss and snuggle and hug in just a few months.   And not just barely give us a little wiggle either, I'm talking the kind of movin' and groovin' that shocks the ultrasound tech into recording it for future viewing pleasure and giving us a free copy!  (I'm working on downloading it out here, so bear with me!)  To quote our wonderful tech, "I've seen a lot of babies and I've seen babies move, but I've never seen a baby move like this!"  Looks like the baby is going to be a salsa dancer like his/her mama after all!  :)  Or just really hyperactive.

I cannot even put into words what that was like to see my little scrip scrap in there all by itself, doing its thing, chilling out and being all grumpy at us for disturbing him/her.  The first thing I do every time we have an ultrasound (this is our fourth) is hold my breath while frantically searching for that blinky light showing the blood pumping through my little one's heart.  Once I've seen that, I always relax and can enjoy the show.  Today, I was blown away with the growth in these past two weeks.  The baby went from looking like a seahorse to a BABY.  It even waved at one point and you could see all five fingers!  I think Rik and I were both in awe of what we were seeing.  We knew we might see it move, but we did NOT expect the full-on talent show we got.  Well worth the price of admission.  :)

I kept looking at the pictures all day today and just smiling like an idiot.  I never thought I'd see anything like this.  And here we are.  So blessed.  I can't believe that little hand I saw is the hand I get to hold and kiss and it belongs to our baby.  If you could see me right now, I look like an absolute idiot with this hugemongo smile on my face.  I am so in love already.  That poor baby...in for a TREAT.  Between it's Daddy and me, yeeeesh....smother love.

The heart rate was 162 bpm and the little one was measuring 11 weeks, which we are today so that's great.  I have lost three lbs but since I had gained quite a bit the past few months with the meds, she said it's all good and we're right where we need to be.   The tech didn't really note or look for the placenta previa issue so, lucky me, I get another ultrasound in 4 weeks.  Just in time to see what the sex of the baby will be!  The doctor said since I wasn't having any more spotting of late that she wasn't too concerned and we'd check again at the next appointment.  I'm fine with that.  I hate that we've had issues, but I love the extra ultrasounds we're getting.  You all know how it feels being infertile and dying to know if everything is ok in there every waking minute of the day.  I'll take what little blessings God throws my way to go with this one HUGE one.  :)  It helps my sanity.

Rik was absolutely adorable during the ultrasound.  I wish I could bottle up those moments and share them with our baby one day.  It's so heartwarming to see how excited he is and how much he already loves this kiddo.  I think seeing the baby move today made it more real for him.  I would imagine it's hard for the fella since he's not going through the symptoms, just dealing with the fallout. ;)  It has to seem awfully surreal.  The heartbeat has to be his favorite - every time he hears it he outright giggles and usually says something about it being the best sound in the world.  It's so cute.

I talked to the doctor today about my back pain and she said she'd recommend seeing a chiropractor.  She had the name of one who specializes in maternity but she forgot to give me the name.  We'll have to call and get that tomorrow because I really want to go!  She also gave me some medicine for acid reflux and nausea.  She said the nausea may correct itself just with the acid reflux medicine.  We'll see!

That's all for now!  Keep us in your prayers!

My body & brain are on overload.....

Let's be real here....  I'm pregnant.  That one word STILL fills me full of every emotion you can imagine. Fear, envy, hope, joy, excitement, happiness, sadness, guilt.  Goodness.  Once an infertile, always an infertile.  I am so conscious of the suffering involved with infertility that I cannot let loose and just BE pregnant.  I can't just blog freely about how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing because there are CLOSE friends of mine that are struggling with the loss, the longing and the heartache of infertility that read this blog and because I LOVE them, I hesitate to share certain things already.  I hate the thought of adding to their hurt.  That's where the guilt comes in.  Why us?  Why were we blessed with this when others have been waiting longer, hoping longer.  I will never have those answers.  I hate infertility for all of us.  For those of us who are scared to enjoy what we've always longed for and for those of us who are still waiting and praying.

With that being said, I've prayed about this issue of mine and thought about it and I don't want to shortchange this experience because I have wanted this and waited for this and prayed and hoped and longed for this to happen for us.  I want to share my happiness with all of you because Rik and I deserve it and our baby deserves to be celebrated.  I can't even believe I get to say those words.  This is a BLESSING from God.  It was our time.  For whatever reason, He gave life to this dream and I will continue to give Him praise for it.  So, I am going to find a happy medium for now.  I will give you the information I feel I should share and say that I am sorry if any of it causes any of you any more pain.  I am ever-so-hopeful that you can be happy for us and that you can find hope in our story too.   I know I found hope and happiness through the blogs I have read these past two years.   Maybe now, we can pay it forward a little too.

If you're still reading after all that word vomit (it's not even Thursday!), here is what I have to say about this whole situation.  Pregnancy is NOT glamorous.  Anyone who says it is, is a bold-faced liar.  I said I'd never complain.  I prayed and bargained, "God, you can make me sick as a dog for 9 (10) months and I'll never complain, whimper or ask for it to stop!  I'll take it with a huge smile on my face!"  What an idiot I am.  I didn't whine or whimper for several weeks.  I did a good job reminding myself of my deal with God any time I got close to complaining and would even throw out a, "but I'm not complaining!" just to be sure my comment I made wasn't misinterpreted as a complaint.  See how that works?  Well, slowly, the disclaimer fell off and my voice got a little higher pitched and before I knew what had hit me, I was in full crybaby mode.  Poor hubby.

Here's what's been going down....

Tired?  Understatement of the freakin year.  People should never use that word to describe how you feel during these first weeks.  It's not TIRED.  It's exhaustion.  Pure and simple.  (All you mommies out there feel free to tell me I have no idea what I'm talking about, I'll agree with you wholeheartedly!)  By nine am, I am yawning, bobbing my head, rubbing my eyes and doing every thing I can to stay awake.  I can't concentrate or focus, I can't form sentences that make any type of sense, I lose my train of thought mid-sentence, I repeat myself (the latest one was, "Freeman hit a home run last night last night" - how does that even happen!?) and I put things in places they don't belong (salt in the fridge and stuff).

Nausea is hit or miss with me these days but for a few weeks, it was pretty brutal.  I won't complain though (see how that works?) because I could have had it SO much worse (and still might).  My friend April gave me these sea bands and they have actually worked for me.  They are made for motion sickness and you wear them around your wrists.  I had heard mixed reviews, but so far, no pukey pukey since she gave them to me last weekend.  I will say though that when I'm starving (all the time) and nauseous at the same time but can't eat a bite, I have a bit of a grumpy side.  Thank goodness I have a husband that has been willing to go to Mc.Donalds to grab me chicken nuggets after a long day of starving and nibbling and gagging just so that I could get to sleep.  (Sure, it's not nutritious but it was the ONLY thing I could even think about putting in my mouth without dry heaving that night!)  He also may have wanted away from my comments (not complaints).

Walnut sized bladder.  Wow.  I got up to pee 7 times during the night one night last week.  How is that even possible?  The baby is the size of my thumb, my uterus is the size of a large grapefruit.  HOW is that making me go pee-pee like I drank 3 gallons of tea before bedtime?  It's crazy.  This is one I don't really mind so much except that after I get up around 4, it's really hard for me to go back to sleep. I guess it's practice for once we actually have a baby in our house....which still seems unimaginable.

The only constant these past 3-4 weeks though has been sciatic nerve pain.  I never even knew that was possible.  I heard back pain was common later in pregnancy, but why right now?  I don't understand it at all.  My left leg feels like it's just going to fall right off sometimes and I swear I have slipped a vertebra out of place or something every time I tie my shoe or pick something up.   Has anyone ever gone to a chiropractor while pregnant?  How's that work exactly?

Well, these are my symptoms so far.  I don't really have a BUMP per se yet but I'm definitely a little wider and my lower abdomen has this little hard spot in it.  I can feel it best in the morning when I first wake up.  Rik can tell a difference too and so far, he's said he thinks it's pretty cute.  We'll see if that thought continues as I expand.  :)  We decided we would go ahead and do the baby bump pics after all. I was very hesitant about those, but I love looking at everyone else's so who am I to deny you that pleasure if you want to check out my chunk of love?  I just have to find an outfit that I think I'll be able to fit into for 7 more months.

Thank you for all the comments and well-wishes I've received out here.  They mean so much to me.  It's so wonderful having had your support all this time and I genuinely appreciate you more than you know.  Keep us in your prayers today as tomorrow is our scan to see how the baby is progressing and if the placenta previa has gotten any better.  I'll try to update you again tomorrow after we see the little scrip scrap!  Hugs to you all!

No News Is Good News-Scrip Scrap!

Gosh, it's been a while since I've blogged and I almost don't know how to go about it now.  There has been a lot going on around here so I'll try to catch you up quickly without posting a novella (again).  Who am I kidding?  I'm long winded by nature.  You won't mind, surely.

Ever since we started this fight of ours with infertility, I've read posts by so many of you announcing the arrival of your newborn after years of fighting and hoping for one.   I've read posts about finding out your pregnant and getting to tell your husband and it's always made me wonder, "How would I tell Rik?"  or "How would I tell everyone we finally got what our hearts have been dying for month after month, year after year?" or, "How would I post it on my blog? Would I be funny?  Straight to the point?"

Well, I've thought long and hard about it and I don't think I need to get all creative or insane about it....  We're pregnant.  It worked.  We are going to have a baby.  In November!

*Let that sink in a moment*

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!!??!?!?!?

Goodness....The amount of gratitude I feel can't be measured, the fear I feel in my heart can't be put into words, the joy I feel humming under my skin every day can't be described.  It's like I'm living in a dream.  If I am, I don't want to wake up.  Not ever.

I never truly let myself believe that this could ever really happen for us.  It never truly seemed like a possibility for some reason.  Now, I'm afraid to even talk about it too much.  It's like someone made a mistake and gave us someone else's blessing and if we talk about it, someone might figure it out and rectify the situation.  Crazy, I know.....but it is what it is.  We're going to be parents.  Scared, excited, clumsy parents.  This poor child is in for a treat.  We're already a mess and it's only two months in.

I am ten weeks along.  Ten terrifying weeks, I might add.  We've had several scares and some of you can relate to them.  Spotting, pain, the works.  I have partial placenta previa which has caused quite a bit of spotting and such.  We just found that out last Monday during our first real prenatal visit with our regular OB.  It was rather unplanned and they squeezed us in so it was short and sweet and to the point.  "Check the baby, check the mama (me!) and we'll see you in two weeks for the real visit".  The baby is doing great.  Measuring perfectly every time we've had an ultrasound (three already) and the heart rate was excellent the last time she checked (187 bpm).  The PPP is expected to move up/out of the way in the coming months so let's all keep those prayers coming and fingers crossed that it does.  My OB, we'll call her Dr. Copper, told me not to even research it because she doesn't want me scaring myself to death unnecessarily so I've been mostly good.  Let's just hope it corrects itself and all the bleeding ceases completely.  It's been gone a few days so that's great.  Who knew TP could be scarier than watching any horror film you've ever seen?

We graduated from the fertility clinic 2 weeks ago and I have to say, it was pretty bittersweet.  The whole office came out to hug me and several ladies cried.  When I went in for my first hcg level test, the whole front office staff w/ the nurses called me on speaker phone to tell me the results were 98.4 and they wanted them to be at 50 or above.  They were so excited for us.  I miss them all so much already.

Rik is over the moon.  I'm sure he won't mind me telling you that he got a bit emotional when we heard the heartbeat for the first time.  It was very unexpected and we both jumped because the doctor didn't even give us a warning, he just flipped on the speakers in mid-sentence.  It was pretty crazy.  It was unreal to know our baby had a heartbeat and it was only the size of an orange seed.  God's wonderful miracle, for sure.  We're both in love with that sound.  Rik will just randomly start making the noise walking through the house and it makes me smile one of those smiles that I haven't smiled in such a long time.  I feel real happiness again.  I never thought I'd find that feeling again.  It brings tears to my eyes now just thinking about it!

We've told many of our closest friends and family at this point so I felt better about sharing it online with all of you lovely ladies (and Doc - but you already know).  I was a little concerned about the placenta previa issue, but honestly, the doctor said she sees us at a 5% (or lower) threatened miscarriage rate at this point, so I decided it was time to share our beautiful news.  Six weeks is a long time to keep this quiet.  If you know me IRL, you know what I'm talking about here.  I LOVE good news and I love surprises.

With all that being said, I must say that I still HURTING over this post (isn't that insane?) because I know so many of you out there are still hoping, praying and waiting.  It kills me every time I think of it.  You are the ones that understood how I felt when I heard someone else was pregnant, what it feels like to skip a baby shower to avoid an embarrassing melt down, how you can be so happy for someone but dying inside at the same time, etc.   It's weird being the one with the news after all this time.  There shouldn't be guilt, but there is.  Infertility at its best, I know.  Infertility has taken so much from most of us out here and I hate it that it's even taken some of my joy over sharing this news openly.  I know you'll all be happy for me, I know that, but I want you to know that if you're still waiting and hoping, I am praying for you.  It's not much to say, but it's what I've got.   I had all but given up hope that we'd ever have a family, biological or otherwise.  God decided it was time.  I don't know why now, I don't know why me, but I will thank Him every day for allowing this.

Say a prayer for us if you pray.  If you don't pray, we'll take lots of positive thoughts and energy as we continue down this new path to meeting our baby.  I am smiling sitting here reading that because it just seems so unreal.  Me?  Pregnant?  With a baby?!  Thank you Lord for your beautiful blessing!  I will be welcoming all kinds of advice in the coming months on topics including but not limited to:

• Breast feeding
• Cloth Diapers
• Cures for nausea
• Things you can/can't live without
• Baby names
• L&D tips

If you're still with me, thank you and I can't wait to share more of this journey with you.  More to come....